So This Is It

And so it was... 2008 came and went. I went out to have a nice crab dinner with my heng tai and chi mui and then for some drinks at a pub. There was lots of laughter and fun and I was happy... but only on the outside. Inside, I was still carrying the burden of hurt, pain and regrets of the past year.

I guess I have to let everything go... the year is already past... but can I let it go? Can I let the old self go?

Inside... I'm curiously and reluctantly looking forward to 2009... and inside... something in me is still missing...

After all the celebration, are the glasses half-empty or half-full?

Who Is This Man I've Become?

I've just returned from my Christmas holiday in Genting with my students and some of their friends. It was a fun-filled 3 days of playing games, swimming and lots of eating and more importantly, a time of discovery. As with every trip I go on, I always make it a point to learn something new which I can then share with my students. This trip however, will go down as one good lesson I learnt about myself.

Genting is known as the City of Entertainment but if you stray off the righteous path... it can turn out to be the City of Temptation. It's turned out to be the case for me so far. On two occasions where I was waiting by myself, I was approached by a man who would discreetly ask me, "yao chien hai shi xiao jie?". My first response is always, "No" but curiosity somehow gets the better of me and I find myself asking, "How much?". For a single guy who's way above the legal age, it would seem all right to "try" this experience (maybe just once?) Afterall, among most guys, this is just one of those things that a guy would do. The question I kept asking myself was, "Am I like most guys?".

As that question continued to play on my mind, I brought myself face to face with another temptation - the one that this mountain-top resort is famous for. Again, for most people, this is just one of those things that anyone above legal age would do. My beliefs strongly oppose this practice but events in my life have shaped and reshaped my views towards the many 'sins' in this world, turning some of them into 'probably acceptable'. Maybe my views are right, maybe they're wrong; or maybe they're neither. Afterall, most people would say it's nothing wrong. Again, the question played on my mind, "Am I like most people?"

After living through one-third of my life, I would think that I knew myself better...

Who is this man I see staring back at me?

Ho... Ho... Ho...liday!

What a day it's been! First up was my Christmas Eve class - my first ever. In all my 5 years of teaching, I've never conducted a class on the eve of my favourite time of the year; not that I was complaining.

I decided to have the class do something meaningful on this special day. So, I let them assign themselves to different 'departments' to think up ideas for a charity fundraiser, to plan a day's activities at an orphanage and to stir up their creativie juices in creating posters and fliers. It was important to remember the gift of giving during Christmas and hopefully, we'll turn today's plan into reality next year.

After presenting their ideas to the class, the Domino's delivery man stepped right into our class with boxes of pizza stacked high. We wrapped up our discussion and laid out the 'yummies' on the table. I then played a slideshow of my Christmas memories with that new classic version of 'Christmas Don't Be Late' as we enjoyed our little pizza party.

After filling our tummies, we had what was the most meaningful part of the day. All of us sat around the table as we lined the presents along the grey surface. We each picked a tiny ball of paper with a number on it. Then, we took turns to take our present as we each said a few words of thanks. Some just said, "Thank you. Uhm... thank you. Thank you." Calling them 'shy' would be an understatement.

We then took photos as usual. I think this generation has something for taking lots of photos anytime and anywhere; something they call 'camwhoring' but I'm not complaining. Afterall, I'm just like them!

Look at all 'MY' presents! I wish - Haha!

Everyone's happy 'cause they had pizza. Poor souls - never seen pizza in their life. Haha!

My Christmas presents - for real! The chocolates and cane candy are from my students. Sweet!

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After going home and being greeted by carollers, I took a shower to freshen up before going out again to fetch my students. The 4 of us were going for the Christmas countdown at Pyramid. Surprisingly, the roads were pretty much clear of traffic 'til we reached Sunway. Again, we were surprised to find parking in the carpark easier than we thought.

We headed down to meet our other friends on the walkway at the main entrance. It was packed like crazy and merry-makers were already chasing one another with spray cannisters, shooting away as noise and foam filled the night sky. It was like a war zone as we each armed ourselves with a minimum of 3 cans each. All night long, random groups attacked each other while I played bodyguard to some of my students. I tried my best to protect them but it was mission impossible as shots of foam showered upon us from every direction. It was messy but a lot of fun.

The next thing was figuring out when the cue for the countdown was going to come. A minute passed on my watch before we heard shouts of 10... 9... 8... from a distance and before we knew it, there were screams of 'Merry Christmas' all around.

The night continued 'til 12:30am before my students and I decided to head back home. I don't think we'll be together again this time of the year in 2009 but I'm not going to let that dampen my mood. We were happy together tonight and that's all that matters.

Check out the butts on those! They were totally clueless. Haha!

The guys - soaked from head to toe in all that soapy foam. Yummy!

The girls - an angel and a little 'devil'.

Reunion: Part 3

Finally, it's done! Today, I got my 3rd group of students together for our reunion. The turnout, just as with previous groups, was not complete but we still managed to get half of the class together, so I was happy enough.

As usual, I picked up a few of my students on the way to our destination while the rest would drive themselves there. That made things a lot easier for me and we were all pretty much on time, although the ones who were there earlier teasingly complained for my being a few minutes late. Well, I only had to show them the number of our friends I was fetching to keep them quiet. Haha!

There was lots of catching up to do and everyone was in a cheerful mood as a chance to meet up was definitely better than what most of them had been doing lately - staring at the tv, the computer and the bed. It seems life has been really boring for most of them, especially those who're not working. So, there was a real sense of excitement and enjoyment as we chatted over dinner and drinks.

We spent most of our time playing 'chor dai tee' where I taught them how to play the 'Loser' version, since there were more than 4 of us. They clearly enjoyed this fresh take on the age-old card game. I can't remember seeing them laughing so much and having such a good time, it only made me ever more eager to organise future gatherings.

Considering the depressed state I was in from last week, tonight certainly capped a wonderful turnaround in my mood. I know my students often say they can't thank me enough but the truth is, I can't thank them enough too.

The guys doing our 'looking-at-the-stars' pose (or is it just 'looking-left'?)

The girls and I doing the classic 'hand-on-cheek' pose (except for the one on the right)

Reunion: Part 2

After having to cancel and reorganise the class reunion for my second group of students, I could be forgiven for wanting to cancel it for the second time. I thought this group would be the easiest to get together as there were only 8. However, nothing is ever simple in getting a whole class together in one spot; not when they don't need to come to my class anymore and a host of incidents turn into obstacles for just a one-day meeting.

So, it was just the lonely 2 students who joined me on our way to our karaoke session, where one more would join us much later. I was close to feeling depressed as the heavy rain stormed down upon us as I drove to Klang, growing fiercer all the time. It was as if the heavens were challenging my determination to see this reunion through.

In our K-room, I had a good 4 rounds of buffet dishes before we started warming up the mics. Then, as the night grew on, we found ourselves naturally having a good time. After our merry time of singing ended at 11pm, I drove us back to Kota Kemuning where we would meet with another one of our friends who couldn't make it due to work. All the way, it was non-stop singing in the car; as if our karaoke session never ended. Soon, the party became 5 as we paid a visit to another member of our group. She was the unfortunate victim of a daylight robbery incident the day before; one which robbed her of the chance to reunite with the group today. As soon as we sat down in her living room, things really started to pick up with crazy and funny antics forcing us to keep our voices down. A late night stop-over at McDonald's duly followed.

Sitting with them on those bright orange benches, chatting, joking and laughing over 4 large fries, it was like the good old days. It was a precious moment for us to savour, especially as some of them will be going away for National Service duty soon. By 1am we'd left our empty trays behind at McD's as I proceeded to send them home. As I said "good night" to the last one, a message popped up on my cell. It was from a student who I'd just sent home earlier,

"Thx a lot 4 2day ya.. ahmad! haha.. rly hv fun 2day.. when is d nx time huh? haha.. keep in touch la.. tk care"

I may have been a few dollars poorer after tonight but with gratitude like that, I feel like the richest guy on Earth!

A Day of Elegance

It was the perfect cure to my recent blues - a day out with my students!

I'd promised my graduated class of '08 that I'd take them out for the orchestra after SPM. Well, I fulfilled it on Sunday. It's been hard to get everyone together these days. Everyone's got their own plans and obstacles, so to get almost half the class together must be good. Of course I'm disappointed the rest couldn't make it but I'd rather focus on the positive things in life.

Getting there wasn't easy. There was heavy traffic and heavy rain. Even the KLCC car park was closed as it was full. Consider it being a Sunday, the sales, Christmas shopping and the last day of PC Fair and you'll understand why.

We managed to park our cars across KLCC Park and made it just in time for the concert. There was an adrenaline rush as we stepped into the beautifully illuminated orchestral hall. I guess it's usually the case when you're anticipating something new. The musicians looked elegant in their black suits and gowns and as the conductor appeared to enthusiastic applause, I sank stiffly into my chair. It was an absorbing experience and it made me recall the last and only time I was there, back when I was still in Taylor's. It was so long ago that I can't remember when I had to sit so still and so quietly for so long. My students clearly found it difficult to conform to such a disciplined environment. They're so used to fidgeting and making noise in class I guess you could say the adjustment was almost torturous for them!

Hearing their opinions after the 2 hour concert, it clearly showed they'd experienced something different from their usual outings. I hope this experience will encourage them to open their senses to new discoveries. Life's boring if it becomes routine. We should always give ourselves a chance to explore new things (well, as long as it's beneficial and legal!).

We ended a long day having pasta and some expensive window shopping at Pavilion; not to mention, meeting my 'Angel'! By the time I sent everyone in my car home, it was close to 10pm. Once I reached home, I sat in the darkness in my car. Feeling tired and sleepy, I could still hear the music lingering in my ears. I smiled a contented smile. I guess no matter what I face in life, I'll be all right as long as I have my students by my side.

The smart gentlemen in formal attire.

The lovely ladies in elegant evening wear.

Feeling Loveless In A Week Of Love

The past week has been something of a blue week for me. I happened to catch an update on my ex-girlfriend's profile and clicked on it to find out more. What I saw pierced right through my heart.

As I looked through her engagement photos, something swelled up inside me. Suddenly, feelings that I thought were buried and long forgotten started reappearing. I never thought I'd feel pain like this again but I did and it hurt.

Our relationship back then should never have started. Not because she was not the right one for me. Rather, I was just wrong for her (or anyone for that matter). Having just returned from a difficult experience in the States, I was upset, angry and bitter. I just wasn't myself. Trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to be near me then. Unfortunately for her, since she was the closest person to me at that time, she clearly saw the ugly side of me and suffered. Even though it was so long ago, our friendship of 8 years has been permanently damaged, destroyed and beyond repair; all because of a relationship of 9 months. It's for this reason that I'll never forgive myself.

While trying to get over this terrible feeling, I had to emcee a wedding and attend another back to back. Needless to say, I couldn't help thinking about my own past love life in an environment where it's all about love. I also had the opportunity to meet with a former student during the week. Again, it was about love as we talked about her relationship with her boyfriend. I gave her my opinions, sharing from my own experience. As a friend, I try my best to advise my students in hope that they don't repeat the mistakes I made. I think it's the least I can do. Then, just a moment ago, another one of my students texted me, asking how he could go about wooing a girl. I smiled and replied it would be very difficult to advise him through the phone. We arranged to meet one of these days to talk about it. I'm always glad when my students seek me for advise other than studies. Afterall, life is so much more than just getting 'A's.

As I prepare to retreat to bed at this late hour, I can only look back at a week that's been so much about love but which has left me loveless. Well, at least I love my students and I guess they love me too.

I lay my heart down... and let it be washed over by a sea of love...

Foot Balls!

I started playing football regularly when I went to US. Funny huh? When I was in Malaysia, I didn't really play much although I was an avid fan. But when I got to America, a country where football is a sport in which you wear a full-head helmet and shoulder pads and charge your way through the field with the ball in your hand, I rediscovered the joys of playing the beautiful game.

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Ive continued playing futsal consistently back home ever since I returned. Come to think of it, it's been five years now since my high school friends and I started playing in that small futsal court in Teluk Pulai. These days, we play at the bigger and better turfed rubber grass courts in Pandamaran. Every Tuesday night, I would drive my heng tai and I to the court at 11pm and we would sweat it out and have a good laugh till 12.30am.

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Recently, I've played in goal 'cause I've not been going to the gym. I'm not going to say I'm getting old and not as fit as I used to be. I've just not been going to the gym (trying to console myself here). Anyway, since I'm a fast runner on the pitch, I love attacking down the right wing but I've played in different positions before - central defence, right back, left back, central midfield; and somehow or rather, I keep getting hit in the balls! Whether it's a clearence shot, a shot at goal or a chip, the ball somehow ends up smack in between my balls. Man, I tell you, you don't know what pain is until you've been hit in the balls, that's all I can say.

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Well, here's the funny thing - whenever I play in goal, I seem to get hit less often in the balls. In fact, I think it's happened only once or twice so far. Those of you guys who've played as a goal-keeper in futsal would know it's the most dangerous position to play in. Shots are flying everywhere, coming at you from right, left centre, top and bottom. I'm quite good in goal and so I manage to block most of the shots with my hands, legs, feet, chest and even my head. Well today, I topped all that. I blocked a goal-bound header with my balls! Enough said!

Well, this guy knows what it feels like! For some real Foot Balls action click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOBiw36ljIw

Tagged Again!

I've never been tagged my whole life and now suddenly, I've got 2. Hmmm... let's see how this goes...

(Tagged by Bev)

1. What's your ambition?
To be Batman. But seriously, I just want to be the best teacher I can be.

2. Which is more important to you? : Friends/Boyfriend/Girlfriends
I've lived long enough to know that girlfriends will come and go but true friends will always be there. They are the one constant thing in my life.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Siau ah!

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Come on, ask me another question :p

5. How many babies do you want?
Am I allowed to have babies? Well, if the question is when and IF I get married, how many babies would I want my wife to have, I'd say 2.

6. What is your goal for this year?
To work out and get fitter. I've achieved half of that so far.

7. Do you believe in eternal love?
I have my doubts about finding my own eternal love but I still believe it's out there somewhere; if I'm lucky enough to find it!

8. Do you want to change your real name?
From Caleb to what? Carrot? No thanks, I like my name the way it is.

9. What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling I get when I know the person holding my hand loves me for who I am; just the way I am. I've only come close to that feeling just once in my life but it was too short and I hope I get to feel it again.

10. What are your bad habits?
Does laughing too loud count?

11. Is there anything you want to tell people who hate you?
I ain't into hatin', I'm into lovin'.

12. Do you cherish every friendship you have?
Only the ones that matter to me. I can't choose my family but I can choose my friends.

13. What does flying mean to you?
Ah Ma! Ah Pa! Get me down from here!

14. Who do you love?
My family, my friends and my students.

15. Who do you hate?
Cristiano Ronaldo!

16. Describe the person who tagged you in nine words.
Cheerful, mature and beautiful inside out (and sometimes 'sampat'!) xp

17. What would you really like to do now?
Go clubbing at Quattro!

18. What will you be in the next ten years?
OMG... old!

19. Coffee or Tea?
Uhhh... no hot chocolate? Ok, Jasmine green tea then.

20. What are you wishing for right now?
More money so I can spend it on my students. Think I'll go sell some of my toenails. Freshly cut toenails anybody?

I tag: Vi Vian

Reunion: Part 1

Tonight was a good night. I finally had the chance to meet up with my graduated class again. Though only half the class managed to make it, it was good enough for me. Just seeing their faces again and being with them gave me such a lift! I was so excited about tonight, it was pretty much the only thing on my mind today.

We had a few drinks, played a few rounds of 'chor dai tee' and of course had a few silly laughs. While deep down I know things will never be the same again, at least I can hope that we'll continue to keep in touch and meet from time to time. In fact, we've already planned to meet again next week!

Being with them today, it really felt like we were a bunch of old friends. Slowly, I'm sensing that since I'm no longer their teacher, they're starting to treat me as a friend first and foremost, which is great!

As, I sent the last guy home, he turned round and said, "Thank you, Sir." I told him, "You don't have to call me that." but he said he'd gotten used to it. Well, I guess some things never change.

The "Losers" table.

The "Winners" table.