Carrot Juice

Silent Tears Heavier Than The Rain

2011-09-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's one of those weeks again... where everything seems to be going wrong. It also happens to be the week I say my 'goodbyes' to my Form 3 students who will be facing their PMR next week. These 'goodbyes' are easier to handle since most of them will return next year (well, at least I can only hope). Some have already told me they won't be coming back to my class next year, although they never really tell me why. It leaves me with a saddened heart... it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough.

You'd think I'd be used to facing these short-term goodbyes by now but I don't think I can ever get used to it. I will really be facing an uphill battle in November when my Form 5 classes graduate 'cause then it's 'goodbye' forever. Yeah, some will say they will come visit from time to time. Some will say they will ask me out for dinner when they're free. Well, for the past 8 years, experience has told me that 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words.' Of the many who have proudly boasted they will be my good friends, well, less than 10 percent actually do what they promise. I would rather they not promise me anything.

And so my week started as such. A simple promise from one of my ex-students whom I count as a true friend, was broken even before I had a chance to respond. We were supposed to watch a movie together. Nowadays, it's hard for me to find the time or the friends to watch a movie with. So, I value these moments very much. Perhaps she didn't know that I had rejected other people's invitations to watch that movie since I had promised her. Perhaps watching a movie isn't such a big deal to her, as it is to me. On the day I so badly needed to be with a good friend, to watch a movie that would make me laugh despite my tears inside, I found myself abandoned, alone and awake.

Then comes one of my favorite classes of the week and a familiar face is missing again. This is someone I call my 'sister'. Someone I care a lot about but I guess my class is not worth coming to if there's shopping fun to be had. I really can't understand how teenagers think these days. I remember how I would hate missing my English teacher's class every Thursday night. Mr Gerald is one of the greatest lights in my life and my inspiration to be the best teacher I can be. I would try my best to attend his classes simply because he was such a dedicated teacher who communicated so well with his students. He was more than a teacher. He was a friend. And that's what I've been trying to be for the past 8 years of my teaching life. Yet, I have students who can't seem to grasp that. Am I pissed? No. I'm brokenhearted.

Already, my entire week is filled with that tinge of temporal sadness of not seeing my Form 3 students. I really could have done without any more sadness nor disappointments and yet it happens. Seriously! I feel like breaking something and screaming!

After all the 'goodbyes' have been said and the guitar laid to rest, I just wanted to make myself happy. For a single guy of my age, there's really not much I can do to make myself happy when I'm alone other than pampering myself with an expensive and delicious meal. So, I head over to a fancy restaurant nearby for some wonderful western steak. Well, what a nightmare meal it turned out to be. The waitress got my order wrong one after another. The corn came despite me requesting it to be substituted with vegetables, two sets of steak came when I only ordered one, my butter was taken away when only half-finished and I had to request for another one (I hate wasting food), my steak was more like medium rare when I wanted it to be medium well, some parts of the steak were inedible as it was so hard, my coffee came without any sugar and I had to go to the counter myself to get it. In the end, even my favorite dessert - chocolate ice-cream wasn't the least bit satisfying. Despite my complaints to the supervisor on duty, I had to pay the full price of 81 ringgit (service tax included). That's when I swore I would never go there to dine again.

And so it was... driving back home after a long day, tired... my tummy filled yet unsatisfied, my heart all but an empty shell... and tears of loneliness streaking down my veins... I am left here alone... abandoned... with only my shadow as my only friend... and even that, will soon leave me as I put myself to bed... with silent tears heavier than the rain...

Somewhere In Between

2011-09-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Yes, back to blogging more regularly (hopefully), back to Wing Chun after a month-long break and most definitely back in da club. *wink*

It's been a whole year since I last stepped into a club. Last night, I came out of retirement and burned the dance floor. Well, it wasn't a really big fire, not even a flame... perhaps just a tiny spark on the little spot I was dancing on. But nevertheless, I got my groove on and it was good to be back.

A lot of people have misconceptions of why I like to go clubbing but people who know me, know that I go there for one thing alone - dancing! I've been a natural dancer since my kindergarten teacher commented how I could almost move like the late great Michael Jackson. I still remember the song - 'Beat It'. I do not pretend to be the best dancer out there cause I know I'm not even close but what I do know is, I enjoy good music and a good time on the dance floor. It's never been my foremost passion but it definitely is one of my favorite things.

And so, there I was... with a bunch of college teens, on my ex-student's birthday bash. I promised her I would take her clubbing when she reached 18. It's taken more than a year to fulfill that promise but I was there, finally, in my dancing shoes... and it felt like I was coming home. It's funny that the last time I clubbed, which was more than a year ago, was also to fulfill my promise to another ex-student to take her clubbing when she reached 18. I reckon there'll be a few more such promises to be made in the coming years and I'm not complaining.

Clubbing is great fun if done responsibly and this is where people don't get it when I say I go to the club just to dance. For most, it's about drinking (and perhaps getting laid) but not for me. I don't like to drink (never been drunk before) and I hate the smell of smoke, so let's not talk about Marlboros. As for that little matter of getting laid, well, as honest as I already am - I'm not the sort to do that. Not saying I'm an angel or anything. Just saying, that's not my purpose in the club.

Chillin' out after some intense grooving on the dance floor, I watched from the balcony of the club. I saw all those teens jumping about, waving their hands like they just don't care (oh OH! oh OH!) and ladies shaking them asses up on the stage, teasing the guys with every move... and then it hit me - "my little girl", my ex-student, was up there having the time of her life. I mean, I know she's 18 but when I saw her being 18 with my own eyes, it hit me - real hard. She's grown up now. And to jolt my senses further, I ran into another ex-student at the club - this sweet girl I taught when she was just 10 and then from 16 through 17. I looked at her and she's all grown up as well, make up and everything. I guess she was more surprised to see me there than I was to see her there.

And so it hit me - I'm old. Well, I'm not that old but I'm not that young either. Sure, I felt at home, singing and dancing away but there were times when I looked around and saw all those fresh-faced teens jumpin' around, I said to myself, "Man... I'm getting too old for this." But when I get on the dance floor, I realize I'm not that old either cause I've still got my moves. And just to emphasize the fact that I'm really not that old, my ex-student's friends thought I was her college-mate! I'm not pretending to be young - I just feel young and I look young too! (Er-hmm!) So, I end up in this strange place of having been there, done that, yet somehow, I still enjoy reliving that part of my life. But if you asked me if I still have the energy to go on dancing forever like how I used to, then I'll have to admit that I can't anymore. I'm somewhere in between.

As she twirls and sways, her feet moving to the beat, her hair effortlessly flowing in the pounding explosion of rhythm... I see "my little girl" all grown up. I've never been a father before but I can imagine how it feels like. Seeing her there made me happy yet a little reluctantly sad at the same time. She's not a woman yet of course but she's also no longer the little girl who sat down in my class, with her eyes fixed on me as I taught her English and about life... no, she's exactly where I am right now... just somewhere in between.

That's What She Said

2011-05-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

"It's okay, I understand that you're trying to be responsible. You don't have to apologize. We can go our separate ways. Thanks anyway...."

"Don't you know we could have gone all the way? I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way about you anymore. Please, stop coming to see me..."

"I'm sorry but I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to break-up with you. This is where it ends..."

"Thanks for the wonderful times. It's been great being with you. I hope we both find our own places in this world. Take care and hugs..."

"Why don't we just break-up? I can't love you as much as you love me. It's unfair for you. So, please, just let this go..."

"I think you should stop seeing me. It's not fair for you and I don't want you to sacrifice more than you already have. I will always be your friend and always remember that you'll have a special place in my heart..."

These are the words I still keep in my heart. It's not that I want to but for some reason, they remain there, in the deep recesses of my broken heart. I've been through quite a lot in life. Some would say, I've already been through more than some would have gone through in their entire life. Yet, of all the disappointments in my life, nothing depresses me more than the fact that I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Well, actually, I did... once... but that true love was lost in all the uncertainty... lost in all the sacrifices... lost in all the confusion and regret - a regret that I once held her in my arms... a regret that I didn't hold her longer... a regret that I cannot share my life with her anymore...

Love has a way of lifting you up to the clouds and then letting you fall. You might be lucky to fall onto the rocks. All that it will do is break you into half. It is a death, no doubt, but a quick one. It would almost be painless as your head cracks open and your brain gets splattered all over in an instant. The only bad thing is that you won't look very good in your coffin, brainless and all.

If you are less lucky, you might fall into the water. Though depending on how you fall, the water may soften your fall but it will nevertheless drown you in all its sorrow. It would be like drowning in an ocean of tears. That wouldn't be very nice if the last thing you taste is the bitterness of your tears. The pain of it would pierce right through your heart and you would bleed a horrible and painful death.

No, I would much prefer to die in the arms of the one I love. At least then, I can leave this world with a smile on my face and sunshine in my heart. Knowing that I had found my one true love, I would gladly leave this Earth. But that's not the case. No, far from it.

Until today, I still can't forget her. Until today, I still can't find someone to replace her. Until today, I still can't find that one true love that I once had and am still looking for and every day, life gets that much harder to live. So, if you find 'LOVE', please tell her that I'm here, waiting for her... or sometimes I wonder, is she even out there at all?

"You should forget about me. I'm not good for you. You'll find someone better, I'm sure."

That's what she said.

Life... As I Know It...

2011-04-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

I've been having this on my mind for a couple of weeks. "To be or not to be, that is the question...". Just as Hamlet once said of his dilemma, so now am I, the Hamlet of the modern times.

I love my job. That says enough about why I do what I do and how I do what I do. I teach; but as any of my students will tell you, I teach different things, differently. Not all students can accept my method of teaching but those are the same students who do not realise the point of my teaching. Those are the same students who miss out on so much that I have to offer. The majority of my students who stay with me until they graduate, realise and understand the point of my teaching. These are the students who will later go on to college and university and thank me for preparing them for their future. And really, a simple, 'Thank You', is all I ever hope for.

Recently, I've been faced with a choice that has been unexpectedly set before me. It is a choice for me to widen my circle of students and to push myself even harder than I already am. As it is now, my schedule is almost full. I'm currently teaching 20 classes from Monday to Friday, from as early as 8:00am to the late hours of 10pm. Only Friday night gives me some much needed rest and time off for myself. Of course, there is also the weekend - a precious time for myself that I cherish so deeply. Well, it won't be the case anymore.

Ive always been proud to say, "I don't teach on Saturdays and Sundays. Those are my off days." Now, I might have to rephrase that to, "I don't teach on Sunday. That is my off day." The question that has been burning in my mind, has been whether I should take up the offer of teaching at a new place. This was the unexpected choice that presented itself before me. It was something I never thought about but in the circumstances that it has presented itself, I find myself considering something which I thought I would reject outright. Maybe I'm still considering to reject this offer... I don't know. That's why I'm still awake at this hour. I usually am awake at this hour but that is due to me being full of energy and happily commenting away on facebook. Nowadays, I find my energy escaping me. Where it is escaping to, I have no idea and I'm desperate to find it again.

Life, as it is for me now, is good. I'm busier than I used to be but I still have time for myself. I live an active life and most people are surprised to hear that. For most people, the sporting activities I do on a regular basis would seem almost impossible at the age I am and for the hours I work. The sad thing is, I used to do more than this. It used to be gym four times a week, futsal once a week, swimming twice a week, and Wing Chun once a week. Starting from next month, I fear it might turn into this instead - gym once a week, futsal once a week and Wing Chun once a week. That is far from what I would be satisfied doing for myself. I have personal targets to achieve and this new venture means I will have to give some of them up. And for who do I give up my personal goals? My students, that's who.

I don't have anyone else to love besides my family and friends, and so I love my students. I love them because I treat them as my friends. I only wish they would treat me the same. Recently, there have been a few times where I've lost my temper in class and if you know me, you would know that is something that doesn't happen. I used to joke that I would lose my temper once a year. Now, some unappreciative students are trying to break that record and some, unfortunately, have actually succeeded. I hate getting angry and I don't want to get angry - ever.

So there you have it. With my new classes adding onto my already full schedule and with students nowadays behaving worse than before, life... as I know it... is about to change... for better or worse? I'm praying desperately that it is the former.

No Joke

2011-04-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

April Fool's Day is such a fun day. It's a day for watchful eyes and ears, quick hands and quick feet, and an even quicker mind. It's especially fun if you're still a student because of the numerous opportunities that being in a class of 30 can throw up on this 'dangerous' day. Well, I might not be a student anymore but I still get to be in a class of 30. One of the perks of being a teacher, I guess.

My 'dangerous' day started way earlier than expected. I got fooled soon after midnight on April 1st, by an innocent-looking girl on Facebook of all people. I now have serious doubts about innocent-looking girls who appear somewhat nerdy (in an adorable way) - Beware folks! They are not what they seem to be! ><

Aside from that minor 'casualty', I managed to start my day pretty well. My first class at 8am were ripe for the picking as blurry eyes and ears at such ungodly hours of study made for the perfect 'set-up'... or so I thought. Boy, were my 13-year-olds quick to lay the trap for me as soon as I stepped into class. Needless to say, I was well-prepared and did not fall for any of their 'amateurish' attempts. Forgive the egoistic remark but I do pride myself on being a 'professional prankster'. =p

One down, three to go, as my next class came thick and fast. 14-year-olds were just as easy to fool as their younger species. Again, no problem - piece of cake. I waited another two hours for my next class and I plotted my next scheme as I had lunch. I was even able to squeeze in a prank on an ex-student while at it. Damn, I'm good! Class number three came and again, my 15-year-olds were no match for me. Muahaha!

Finally, the last class of the day was in session and this would be the toughest of all targets - my 17-year-olds. Midway through the class, I tried my first prank... it failed. However, it just goes to show how good I am when I managed to immediately fool the student who'd just called my bluff. That was some bit of awesome recovery! I'm sure my entire class would agree. Hehehe!

To make the day even better, I had the good fortune of having dinner with my ex-student and it was great catching up on each other's lives. Just having dinner with someone these days is already a blessing, what more with a cherished ex-student of mine. It simply fills me with pride when I see my ex-students succeeding in life and pursuing their dreams. It kind of makes me feel like a dad, even though I've never been one before.

Then, as I was driving home, with a wonderful smile still etched on my face, my phone alerted me to a new text message received. When I read it, all my cheerful glee evaporated into thin air and a deeply disappointing cloud of emotions rained down on me. One of my favourite students told me that she had made the decision to stop coming to my class. She cited tiredness as her reason. I put away my phone, disbelief shaking my head, as yet another case of 'tiredness' or 'time clashes' robbed me of a student who always brought a smile to my heart. Someone who has a wonderful learning attitude and is a really nice person overall. Yes, these are the ones who are my favourite students - the ones who show a willing effort to learn and improve, the ones who are sincere about it. For me, straight A's mean nothing if you lack any of these attributes. I'd rather teach a student whose best effort results in C's but has the attributes I admire so much than a straight-A student who fails to display any of those attributes. This student was the third I've 'lost' this year due to 'tiredness' or 'time clashes' and it really bothers me that I can't do anything about it. I'm so frustrated! Argh! And at the same time, so sad...

I've always mentioned to my students that I disagree with the tuition scenario in our country. I know I sound like a hypocrite since I'm one of the participants in this scenario but I teach in tuition centers only because I disagree even more with our school scenario. I would love to teach in schools, if not for the restricting, suffocating and passion-killing nature of the job.

Teaching in tuition centers is the only way I can do what is right and best for my students. However, as hard as I try and as much as I give myself to this cause, there are forces beyond my control that leave me helpless to change things. I'm helpless to give my students the energy they need to attend the numerous tuition classes and I'm helpless to give my students financial assistance if that were ever their need. Yet, one lingering bitter after-taste remains... it is the bitter question that has long eaten into the core of my heart and all that I believe in. When there are so many classes that a student could give up, why do they give up mine? Why English? Why me?

As I drag myself into my room after a long fun-filled day, suddenly April Fool's Day doesn't seem so much fun anymore. No joke.

Getting Over Is Hard To Do

2011-02-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

Wow. Has it been THAT long since my last post?

Sigh... so much has happened since that wonderful day of January 1st. I met someone whom I thought could be more than just a friend. She was someone whom I really liked and someone whom I was willing to give my all for. In three weeks, it grew into a whirlwind romance and ended with a huge hole in my heart, before the cracks started to appear before nearly every part was shattered into pieces... pieces which I've painstakingly tried to recover and mend back into a whole again.

Within those three weeks, I had to get over the loss of my dear grandma - my last surviving loved one from the first generation of my family. And in the midst of tears, there was joy too as the celebration of my birthday arrived only a week after - a birthday that I could finally celebrate with someone special; something I haven't been able to do for four years.

But people change, and some faster and stranger than others. On my supposedly happiest day, she broke my heart with three simple words. No 'I love you', that feeling was certainly missing. Not even 'I like you' as I could vaguely guess by then. But these three - 'Let's be friends.' Words which would cut so deep into my heart because I had thought otherwise with hopes placed so high.

It didn't help much that my ex-students gathered in one huge group to surprise me that night - a surprise which I'd figured out earlier. On other days, I would be so happy but on this one day, my lips tried in vain to stretch a smile. Even if I did, it was laced with irony and pain. And so my birthday came and went...

Chinese New Year soon arrived and I had hoped it would add some much needed fun and colour into my life. At least perhaps, just to paper over the recent cracks of my life. But then comes the fun killer - traditional Chinese superstitious beliefs which forbid me from visiting friend's houses due to my grandma's recent passing. I was deemed to be a bringer of bad luck. Being a Christian, I do not hold to any sort of superstition or 'pantang', as it is called among our community but respect their beliefs, I had to. What other choice did I have? And so, there went any potential saving grace to my recent heartbreak. I was cut off from having any sort of fun I would have had from visiting my friends and being with my ex-students, who I missed so dearly.

If that wasn't bad enough, my mother's side was also forbidden to give 'ang pao's this year. What I received from my father's side amounted to no more than RM 50. Would you believe that? While most people my age would dare not complain, well, I figure, if people are so steadfast about certain Chinese traditions, then according to Chinese tradition, I'm still considered a kid since I'm not married and so I deserve my 'ang pao'. What's there to be ashamed of? Sure, on the surface I say stuff like, 'It's okay...' or 'There's no need to...' or 'Oh come on, I'm already thirty so and so...' but deep down, I'm all for receiving 'ang pao's during Chinese New Year. Who would say no to that, huh?

And so, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The plans I had, the gifts I bought... now all thrown into the thrash. For there will be no special someone to celebrate with me this year, as it has been for the past four years. So, why don't I just go to a corner and cry?

Nah! It's much more fun celebrating the fact that I'm still single, that I've got no beer belly, that I'm still fit as a twenty-something and that I still look and live like a twenty-something. Getting over is hard to do but baby, is it time to partay!

And So It Was

2011-01-01T01:14:00.000-08:00

And so it was... the year 2010 ended just like that... a sparrow in full flight across my window, disappearing beyond my bedroom wall. It's going to be hard to recollect every single moment that transpired in my life this year so I'll just take a look at the last week of my life in 2010. Short as it seemed, it was eventful, nonetheless.

I celebrated Christmas eve by going to church, which is really the one the place anyone should be if they were serious about celebrating an event which marks the birth of Jesus Christ. Gone are the days where I would celebrate Christmas Eve in some hip and happenin' club like Zouk or book a room in Genting. I'll save those places for other celebrations. For now, I want to be where I should be on Christmas eve and it wasn't as dull as I feared it would be. Sounds like a sin to say that but what's worse is that I've turned into the very thing which I used to abhor - the annual Christian. Sigh... well, that's a story for another day.

From the quiet and peaceful celebration of Silent Night, I found myself queuing up with a bunch of other strangers the next night. Going to the movies? Nope. Getting into da club? Uh-uh. This was something way better... a once in a lifetime opportunity and the realization of my dream - tonight, on Christmas Night, I was going to meet my dream girl, Tien Fu Chen! My dream girl was in town to promote her debut album, 'To Hebe', and I wasn't going to let this chance slip away. All those years of saying how I would one day meet her, well now was the time to make it happen.

I wasn't alone though, as I was ably supported by my trio of ex-students. It's so nice to have friends who appreciate the beauty, talent and personality of my dream girl. Haha.

... and my dream girl appears...

Getting my 'To Hebe' album and 'To Hebe Live DVD' ready to be autographed.

My attempt to proclaim my love for my dream girl. Haha! Too bad she was too preoccupied with my good looks to notice my t-shirt.

Mission Accomplished! I finally made my dream a reality! Tien Fu Chen, you are so sweet and lovely in person... I melt every time I think of you... Sigh...

After the beautiful night that was Christmas, I looked forward to my next adventure - my year-end holiday away from the city. I was going to enjoy a refreshing three days by the beach and boy was I excited! I try to make it a point to visit the beach at least once a year. I just love the feeling of touching the sand with my bare feet, looking out over the horizon as the sun sets and listening to the recurring sound of crashing waves. It's one of the most beautiful places in the world.

The journey on the bus seemed to take forever but it was punctuated by a delicious stop at Bidor for some duck noodles at that grand-old famous restaurant - Pun Chun. That was nice. Finally, after some 4 hours, we reached Lumut and was greeted by a foul odour. Apparently, that was the dump site and not the sea, thank God! As we waited for the ferry to take us to Pangkor Island, my ex-students and I decided to snap a few photos. Here's me looking every bit the beach traveler.

... as well as going crazy on the ferry. The retarded side of me has a tendency to surface whenever I'm having fun.

As we reached Pangkor rather late in the evening, there was nothing much to do except spend a few hours viewing the sunset by the beach before enjoying our first meal on the island. We were each given a packet of chicken rice by our tour guide on our arrival but I wouldn't call that 'enjoyment' as I've had better. Our dinner was at a typical small town seafood restaurant and though it wasn't the best on the island, it was good enough for the most part.

After that, we were itching to do something fun and decided to head to the beach again. It was nearly 10pm when a crazy idea struck our minds - night-swimming! So, we returned to our rented house, which was only 5 minutes away on foot and rushed back to the beach in swim-wear. I've never gone night-swimming before and it was certainly fun! After some hours of playful fun, we decided to surface from our seaside adventure.

What happened after that was certainly unforseen and left a negative mark on our holiday experience. While we were swimming, we'd noticed a group of unruly kids on motorbikes, setting off firecrackers. They were just a few meters away from us, on the road above the beach. As we set foot for home around 11pm, the group of young bikers left too. As we walked through the narrow path that linked the beach to our rented house, the bikers turned away from us, onto the main road.

My worst fears were confirmed when we reached our rented house and this group of about 10 Chinese youths without helmets, stopped their bikes right outside. One of them confronted my ex-student, accusing him of complaining about their firecracker activity. My ex-student was bullish in his reply and I sensed this could turn ugly. I quickly stepped forward and announced my position as their teacher. I stated we were here to relax after a stressful exam period and apologized for my ex-student's remark. I played the race card, saying we were all Chinese here and there was no need to fight amongst ourselves. I did this all in Ip-Man style and thankfully, they took my polite apology and left us alone. For a moment there, I was dreading having to finish all 10 of them off with my Wing Chun moves. Thankfully, there was no need for battered bodies and broken bones.

Our second day was the most exciting as we would be going out to sea. The weather was wonderful! Just a little bit of sunshine passing through the cloudy sky. We also had the good fortune of not facing any rain despite weather forecasts saying otherwise. Our boat tour guide was a real joker. Time and again, he would surprise us with his humor. He should do stand-up comedy.

Our island hopping adventure took us to several spots and we managed to do a bit of snorkeling and sun-bathing as the sun finally came out after noon. It wasn't long before it went back in for a nap and left us to enjoy a cool day out at the sea. Once we hit the shores, we went for a variety of rides, of which I only took one - the Banana Boat. It was an exhilarating first experience for me and it's something I'll definitely do again.

After cleaning up, we decided to explore the island. We rented mountain bikes for a ridiculously cheap RM 8 each, for as long as we wanted. The nice elderly uncle said we could return them before we left the island and wouldn't even mind it if we rode them until they broke down (seriously). I have to admit, it was a return to my childhood days once more as we huffed and puffed up the slopes and zoomed back down across the seaside. It must have been more than 10 years since I'd ridden a bike! Oh what fun it is to ride a bicycle by the sea!

Our bicycle adventure brought us to Eng Seng Satay Fish Factory, where I met two lovely sisters working there. I accurately guessed their school-going age and they were surprised to discover I was a teacher. They told me, "Itu semua kamu punya murid? Kamu nampak macam sebaya aje." Haha! I always get a kick out of that! I then told the younger sister, who I believe has the looks to be a movie star, "Bila kamu dah besar, jaga-jaga tau? Nanti ramai lelaki akan kejar. Semua berbaris dari sini sampai ke jetty sana." She laughed and appreciated my good-natured humor and promised to add me on Facebook. Haha. We'll see...

After returning from our tiring escapade with bagfuls of delicious dried seafood snacks, it was time to really enjoy a rare dinner experience - barbecue on the beach! There's nothing quite like fanning the flames over the barbecue pit with the smell of roasted chicken and fresh seafood permeating the air to the sound of crashing waves. Ah... this is the life!

Everything seemed to breeze past so quickly, we soon found ourselves getting ready to leave. Our last day was spent touring attraction spots around the island and guess what, it finally rained. Nothing too heavy, just light drizzles which didn't dampen our spirits too much.

By evening, around 4:30pm, it was time to head to the jetty and off we went, back to Lumut, back onto our bus and back home to the city. I miss Pangkor already.

Well, at least here's something for me to remember Pangkor by - a shark bite. (Hah! Just kidding!)

In the span of five days, I'd experienced a star-struck Christmas and an eventful island holiday. What next for New Year's eve? Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out...

Here's a hint...

Farewell & May Love Bring Us Together Again

2010-11-22T12:14:00.000-08:00

Well, all my 'goodbyes' have been said... all the hugs and wishes given, all the thanks and handshakes received, all the smiles and laughter faded, all the tears wiped away and all the memories locked inside my heart. To give, to receive, to hold onto, to let go - all these have come and gone. And now, all that's left is this lonely soul... hoping to receive some form of encouragement, a glimmer of hope, a spark of joy given to birth from a tiny shed of a tear filled with gratitude or a tiny speck of love - whichever that will never cease to lift this empty soul.

In a few hours' time, as the clock ticks and the nightly shadows slowly ebb away... I extend my forlorn hands to grant you this wish - that you each do your best, not try... that you open your eyes to the reality set before you, not close your eyes and dream... that you go forth and conquer this battle and stake your claim in this war, not step back, retreat and surrender to your fears.

My dear friends, I wish you well. Now, make me proud. More importantly, make yourselves proud. I'm with you, near or far, seen or unseen, heard or unheard... you are always remembered and will always be loved.

Seri Wawasan Form 5 Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5A Class of 2010

Alam Gemilang Form 5 Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5D Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5B Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5C Class of 2010

The Sound of Silence

2010-11-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

Every year, I dread the month of November. No, it has nothing to do with the rainy weather. I like rainy days... except when I need to go out cause I hate getting wet when I'm out. I guess everybody feels that way too. However, I doubt if everybody feels the way I do each November. I doubt if everybody feels the way I have felt for the past seven years during the cold November rain.

Last night, I said my first 'Goodbye' to my graduating class at Sri Wawasan. It was difficult, as it always is. Perhaps the first one is a little more difficult than the rest as I have to make sure all the preparations are ready and organized well. Practice does make perfect but each year's graduation is slightly different so there's always some adjustments to be made.

There are so many things to consider as every class is different. The number of students are different, the classrooms are different in size and shape and the facilities available to each class are also different. So, activities need to be adjusted accordingly to fit in with the schedule.

Complicating things is the chemistry between students. Some classes have a great 'family' rapport while some are not that close. Then, there's also the chemistry between my students and myself which varies greatly from class to class. Factoring all these intangible details into the planning process definitely kills a few brain cells but it certainly gives birth to many unforgettable moments... moments which my students and I will remember forever.

And so I thought, that after last night's difficult 'Goodbye' to my first class, I would have had gotten used to it. But I was gravely wrong. How could I get used to saying 'Goodbye'? How could I get used to seeing them leave one by one, knowing they'll never return as a class? How could I not shed tears when I know things will never be the same again?

Tonight, the feeling was no different. Preparing to say 'Goodbye' to my first graduating class at Mega Yakin, I tried to put on a brave face, just as I had the night before. I held back the tears though inside, I was breaking into pieces. I had to remain positive. I had to embrace this moment and enjoy it... this moment - our last together as a class. And so we laughed and had a great time. Yet, it was a laughter that was punctuated with an air of sadness. Deep down, behind the smiling faces and the twinkling eyes, the cold rain of November was pouring in our hearts.

Then, comes the 'Goodbyes'. I hate it when we have to rush things through. No matter how well I plan it, we never seem to have enough time. I hate having to rush because I can't calm myself down to say what I want to say. However, I know it's the same with every class. We never seem to finish all our activities on time because deep down, we all don't want to leave. We don't want to say 'Goodbye' and as always, that 'Goodbye' comes sooner than expected... it comes sooner than we would want it to and once it comes, all that's left is an empty class decorated with empty tables and chairs. I can only stand there, staring into the empty space before me. The ones I love have left and I already begin to miss their faces, their smiles, their laughter... and even the sound of their breath and I'm helpless to do anything but stand there.

I have another four more classes graduating under me in the next four days... I don't know how I'm going to face this. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know how I'm going to come out of it alive. Of all the creepy and horrifying sounds I fear, the one I fear the most, is the sound of silence. It's deafening.

Living A Teenage Dream

2010-11-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

My heart raced as I drove to Kwang Hua High School. One of my ex-students called earlier to tell me that the school guards had turned them away at the school gate. Outsiders were not allowed to witness the Graduation Day Concert; only parents were allowed "What the. . . damn those stupid school rules!", my heart screamed in anger as my hands clenched tightly onto the steering wheel. There was no way I was missing my students' graduation. I'd promised them weeks ago that I would be there and to me, a promise is a promise. I stepped harder on the accelerator.

I found a spot a good distance away from the gate and parked there regardless. I ran as fast as I could, the fear of being turned away at the school gate, fueling my every step. I reached the gate to find my 'brother' waiting for me. After a few moments, the gate opened and the guard let me in. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My 'brother' and I waited at the gate for the approval letter to arrive and it took a while. Then, my 'brother' received a phone call. The performance had begun! We hesitated and then, in plain rationality, I asked the guard if we could go ahead without the letter. . . he said 'OK'. God bless his soul.

So, we ran, up the steep road, round the bend, onto the straight, up the stairs and into a crowd of people watching in the hall. I pulled my camera out as soon as I found a seat and started recording. I was still in time to witness the second half of the performance and I immediately took in the atmosphere of the moment. It was electric!

I spent the next few hours recording my students' performances and cheered them on by shouting out their names. I was a teen again. Then, during the last performance, my students persuaded me to join them in a chain-running frenzy and I duly obliged as we held onto each other's shoulders and swarmed the stage and back down again in one swift flow. I was really a teen once more and I loved it!

At the end of the ceremony, many of my students started crying and I went around hugging and consoling them. I don't know why but in that moment, I felt like crying too but I held back. Seeing them cry because the realization of separation had set in, it made me think of how naive and childish I once was and how I yearn to be that again... to be young again. What a joy it would be if in that moment, I could be transported back to my school days and be surrounded by familiar faces once more. . . faces which have now grown old and weary. Growing up has a way of sucking the life out of us as we chase our dreams. So much innocence is lost in our pursuit of a better life that sometimes, we forget that the better life has already come and gone. A student's life is the better life. . . a student's life is the best life.

I felt the rush of exhilaration racing through my veins and my heart thumped with the beat of youthful energy as my students mischievously grabbed my arms and legs and threw me up into the air with screams of delight. It was the first time I'd experienced it and it took me by surprise how much I enjoyed it. Being mercilessly thrown into the air, it was at once ridiculous and empowering. Even now, at my age, I've managed to experience something only a teen could go through and in that very moment, I knew that I was indeed living a teenage dream.

Standing On The Edge

2010-11-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

The heart pounds... stronger and stronger with each passing second... it's thumping harder against the wall of my soul... I can almost feel it burst out screaming! I feel like running, kicking and screaming but then... nothing... nothing but silence...

Nothing seems to satisfy me anymore. I flick through my pile of DVDs, so new the plastic still wraps itself around so tightly. I don't have the mood to watch anything. I've not had the mood to watch anything for a long time. All they do is sit there, collecting dust by the day and the day has turned into weeks, which have turned into months...

I go out for a drink with my students. That's always fun. I order an ice-cold fresh fruit juice and it refreshes me... but only for a while. Once the glass is empty, the satisfaction is drained with it. Let's see what else is on the menu... Ahh... my favourite comfort food - ice-cream; something I love and haven't had for a long time. It arrives - tall glass of icy creamy goodness looking splendidly delicious. Disappointing; the blueberry sauce is sour and not what I'd imagined. Looks can be deceiving. I should have ordered chocolate instead.

Okay, fun time's over. Time to send my students home. Back at my house, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. I stumble into the kitchen and rummage through the fridge. Let's have a few chunks of chocolate - my second favourite comfort food. Too sweet. I prefer dark chocolate... but there's only so little left. Sigh...

Upstairs to my room then. Let's play my favourite computer game - Football Manager. This should be satisfying. Finally, my Liverpool team is awesome enough to beat any team. Team selection -set, tactics -set. Play... Damn! My team can't even beat Manchester City. A lousy draw after my captain is sent off for a vicious tackle. Argh!

What now? Okay, let's go for a drive through this sleepy town and listen to some good music in the car...

All right, I've been circling the same area thrice. There must be something satisfying I can do at 3am in the morning. Let's watch some real football then. It's Champions League night and the big game is on - AC Milan vs Real Madrid. My team's not playing but Madrid disgusts me, so it should be fun watching Milan thrash them. Oh... wait, I don't think that's going to happen. Might end up disappointed, again. Skip!

Okay, back in my room again. 4 in the morning. Let's listen to some sad love songs as I ponder... what else is there to do? Play my guitar? Check my Facebook profile for the eighth time today? Ah... screw it! Just sleep then.

Nothing seems to satisfy me anymore.

Sorry, I Can't Join You For Dinner

2010-10-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

For the millionth time, I find myself sitting in a crowded restaurant that's buzzing with laughter... and like a sore thumb, I stick out among all the merriment. I choose to sit by a quiet corner, as if it would make it less obvious that I'm having dinner alone. "Xi guan jiu hao"(As long as you get used to it, then it's fine) , so I tell my students whenever they heave a collective sigh when they hear that I'm having dinner alone, yet again. Well, is it really possible to get used to being alone so often, for so long? I find myself challenging the notion of being alone all the time... with each passing stare as I boldly defy all odds by being the only person to consistently have dinner all by myself. "Xi guan jiu hao" - I shudder.

I sit there alone as I wait for my drink to come. My table is empty except for the plates and cutlery laid out neatly for a table of four. The waitress raises her index finger, asking me if I'm eating alone. She had already asked me that when I entered the restaurant a few moments ago. I guess she's just making sure before she removes the remaining plates and cutlery, leaving just one in front of me. Again, the passing stares surround me. I sink into my chair and sigh. It's becoming a habit lately.

As I'm left to my own devices, I turn my head to scan the entire room to see if there's anything interesting. Usually, when there's something interesting in the room, she's often accompanied by a guy or worse; a group of guys. So, I turn my attention to the television - 'Ah great! Sports news on mute. Time to test my lip-reading skills.' It doesn't take long before I realise I fail horribly at lip-reading. Let's browse my text messages then. Oh, I remember this one from my ex-student - it's the one I read earlier but didn't have the time to delete. I decide to erase it later. I'd better try my luck staring at the table then. My food seems to take forever to arrive when the last I checked, it's only been 10 minutes since I smiled at the waitress. Sigh...

Finally, my 'usual' arrives according to my specifications - no Parmesan cheese. It smells mouth-watering and being on a strict non-carb diet, this is a weekly treat for me. I dive in without hesitation despite the hot wafts of aromatic steam permeating the air. I'm tired and I'm hungry and I just want to enjoy my meal and get it over with. Apparently, I'm quite a fast eater as I'm done within 10 minutes. I wash it all down with a cold glass of lemon-tinged iced water and promptly call for the bill. I feel rather satisfied with my tummy feeling all warm and fuzzy having not eaten properly for the entire day. Then, in a succession of visits, the waitress and I exchange ringgit notes, trading a blue one for a few red ones and I'm off.

The short drive home seems to last the whole night as I sing along to one of Lee-Hom's heart-wrenching love songs of unrequited love. The song seems to last the entire journey home when in reality, I press the 'rewind' button on the stereo at the end of the same song. Somehow, it feels like that every night... every night that silently passes me by as I listen to the sound of my own breath pausing in-between each line of the song.

As I drive my car into the porch, I pick up my phone once again and erase the last message I received tonight. It's the one from my ex-student - the one that says, "Sorry, I can't join you for dinner tonight."

If 'Goodbye' Was 'Hello'

2010-10-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

Last week, I said 'goodbye' to another group of Form 3 students as we enjoyed our last class together. Of course, there's always a chance of seeing them return for Form 4 next year but I've been in this business long enough to know that nothing lasts forever. I know that not everyone will return to my classes, whether it's because of a clash of schedules, transportation problems, financial problems or just being plain tired from taking too many tuition classes.

So, as I do every year, I try my best to make our last class a little extra special - something to remember from the times we've spent learning and laughing together. This year, we had a good laugh at our creative group writing project and as usual, there'll be a few naughty ones who write about 'ahem ahem'. Well, teens being teens, I allow that bit of freedom to express themselves, as long as they know to keep it under control. On one hand, I want to encourage their creative expression and on the other hand, I want to suppress their 'naughty' side when they express themselves in a not so polite manner. It's a tough balancing act but I guess I've done all right so far. Still, I can always improve and I know I need to cut down on joining in with their jokes though it's hard to resist a good laugh at something 'naughty'. Haha!

Well, before the sun sets on every class, I know that my students can learn to differentiate between being funny in a 'naughty' way and being serious when they need to. Even if they don't, I believe as adults, we need to guide them and give them some space to be independent. They've got to learn to grow up sooner or later. If we keep controlling every aspect of their learning life, how will they have the chance to prove us wrong? That's the challenge I lay down for all my students - that they prove to me they can be mature when they need to. Well, let's hope they prove me wrong and do their best in this year's PMR!

Fight the good fight, my dear friends. This is it - The fight of our lives! Gambateh!

When Two Worlds Merge Into One

2010-08-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've been looking forward to this day for quite some time... one year to be exact. That's how long I've promised to 'berbuka puasa' with my Muslim students. We tried to organise an outing last year when I first proposed it but due to a combination of conflicting schedules, it never materialised. Well, I'm glad to say that it finally has!

It was supposed to be a group of five but again, conflicting schedules arose. Still, the three of us, Huda, Amalia and I, managed to fulfill this simple mission - to share one day breaking fast together. My mission started early Sunday morning, as I munched on the last bits of my Chachos corn chips and Cadbury chocolate wafers, and gulped down large amounts of Glucolin Glucose

and water, until I heard the morning Azan prayer, which signaled the end of Sahur and the start of my quest. So, I brushed my teeth and off I went to bed.

I'd figured the best way to overcome my hunger and craving for food would be to sleep it through. So, I only woke up at 2pm. Haha! I wondered for a moment if I was allowed to brush

my teeth after waking up (since I might accidentally 'drink' some water) but the thought of smelly breath spurred me on to the bathroom no sooner than I'd yawned.

I then went downstairs and saw my parents sitting on the couch, watching TV. Good. No temptation from seeing them eat or smelling the aroma of food. Still, with my stomach growling, I pondered just how difficult this was going to be. 'Sigh... can't drink water to start my day either' as I loitered around the kitchen. Okay, time to go back into my bedroom and lock myself away from any further sight, sound or smell of food. Then came a thought, 'Ahh... a DVD' - the perfect distraction! So, I watched a movie on my laptop, which I hoped would distract me from thinking about food.

It wasn't long before my eyes wandered off to look at my watch, anticipating the end of my fasting. It was 4:30pm when my alarm finally sounded. Yes, time to go! So, off I went to Kota Kemuning to fetch Huda and Amalia. In the car, the three of us were talking about how I was facing up to my challenge. In between, I clarified certain issues regarding this fasting month such as 'Sahur, Imsak, Magrhib, Tarawih, Zakat and uhm... Uzur (er hem).

We met with some minor traffic hold-up as we approached Bangsar's famous Jalan Telawi Satu. This was where one of the many Ramadan Bazaars was to be found every year. Thankfully, parking was a breeze and we proceeded to walk past the numerous restaurants, cafes and boutiques that Bangsar is famous for. Then, we saw (and smelled) them! - the rows of food stalls lined up along the street. What a sight to behold!

OMG! It was driving my stomach crazy! Haha! Happily, we went shopping for food, picking our way past the numerous stalls. I started with grilled squid, then some keropok lekor (gotta have those!) before ending with Portuguese grilled stingray. In between, the girls and I also picked up some roti john, chicken kebab, apam balik, kuih and of course, drinks! Huda had to get some of her corn juice fix while I settled for cincau.

By 7pm, we were done with our food shopping and walked back to my car. Along the way, I took a wrong turn into Kota Kemuning. That was certainly torturing as we wanted to reach Huda's home by 7:25pm to break fast. Luckily, despite the scenic detour, we managed to reach the house just in time. Phew! No sooner had we reached were we busy unpacking all the food and placing them on plates, on the dinner table. Just as we settled down, the call for Maghrib prayers sounded and I said a little prayer of my own before I dived into all that glorious food! Ahhh... that overwhelmingly good feeling of food and water in my mouth; and I began to experience a new appreciation for food! Even normal tasting cincau tasted like 'THE BEST CINCAU IN THE WORLD'!

Here I am, posing with 'THE BEST CINCAU IN THE WORLD'!

I took a long time to slowly indulge myself in all that food and drink and I was happy to sit at the dinner table for as long as I could stuff myself silly. Haha! Well, I didn't go overboard in the end. I had what I would call, a decent meal, considering it's the first and only meal I had today. As I drove home after spending some time chatting with Huda and Amalia, I thought about all the important lessons I'd learnt today...

One: We should always be grateful for what we have.

Two: We can never know what the other person is going through until we experience it for ourselves, and Three: We should always learn to accept each other's differences and discover that we actually have a lot in common - after all, despite the fact I'm Chinese and a Christian, and Huda and Amalia are Malay and Muslims, when our two worlds merge into one, we realise we're all one and the same - Human.

Up In The Clouds... Down On The Ground

2010-07-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen in a week, what more in a month. The utterly disappointing World Cup month ended on a very low note for me. It's probably the first time I've felt so unexcited about the biggest event of my favourite sport. Anyway, it doesn't matter. There are so many things bigger than football...

... such as my personal love life. For those who've been following me here, you would definitely know that I've been waiting a long, long time to meet the right one. Recently, I thought I did but I was gravely mistaken. I said I would be patient but unknowingly found myself rushing into it. I guess I was just excited about meeting someone I honestly liked after a long, long time and I got carried away. Anyway, there is none to blame except me and I accept my own mistakes. Well, at least I can look back and smile at those exhilarating two weeks of excitement and unbridled joy. It was a great time in my life, and I guess so, for her too. Still, there are so many things bigger than my personal love life...

... such as the shocking and ugly truth of our world. Lately, I've been caught up in a lot of research that has well and truly opened up my eyes and I've been going on a mission to educate and open up the eyes of my students. Needless to say, they were utterly shocked, speechless and dead silent when it dawned upon them that we've been lied to all our lives. I won't elaborate too much here as I don't wish to use my personal space here for this purpose. It's too evil and discomforting to even mention at times but for those who have any idea, I'll leave you with quote from a groundbreaking movie and perhaps, you might know what I'm talking about...

"... It is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth..."

Breathing Again

2010-05-15T09:19:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been through nearly 3 weeks of emotional sadness and I'm finally out of it. My students like to call it being 'emo' but really, there's no such word for it . Sure, I got a bit wet drowning in all that melancholic wave but things will dry up pretty soon.

I didn't see it coming at first. I was fine, going about my life as usual... but I was suddenly hit by unexpected moments of new-found love and renewed love in many of my students' lives. I found myself surrounded by 'love is in the air' feelings all around me but I wasn't able to breathe-in any of it.

Sure, I was happy for all my students who were now happily holding hands with their 'Mr Right' or Ms Right' but it also made me very conscious of the fact that my own love was nowhere to be found. So, I started reminiscing of my happy days... the days when love was simple and sweet and there was only one true love I've ever known in my life and she was a million miles away. Naturally, my heart started leaning towards her again... but I only got crushed by the same hardened wall in her heart... and I know it's only because she truly loves me.

Love is a funny thing. She knows she's finally found someone who can make her laugh, who can understand her, respect her and cherish her but she denies herself the chance of this perfect love because she thinks she's not good for me. Well, that's what she thinks but I don't. I've always thought of her as the best. In fact, she still is... and probably will be until I find someone new who can make me feel love in the same way again.

Well, until that beautiful day finally arrives, I'm going to swim up to the surface and get out of the water because it's cold and wet and my body is getting numb. I want to be out of the water, forever if it's humanly possible and I want to stand on the edge of life and I'm not going to just stand there. No, I'm going to walk, I'm going to run, I'm going to jump and damn am I going to dance!

Sinking

2010-04-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time of the year again. When it used to come only twice a year - on Valentine's and Christmas, the 'emo season' has struck again. Once more, the emotional roller coaster has strapped me mercilessly into its seat and blazed off at breakneck speed. Like a kid who's been duped into taking a terror ride in exchange for sweets, I've been sucked into this state of 'emo sickness' yet again. Sigh...

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was happy, minding my own business when out of a sudden, the tiny thought of someone who used to mean everything to me, invaded the deep recesses of my mind. I guess this person still means a lot to me, even if she isn't supposed to anymore.

Amidst the euphoria of seeing my students finding their 'new love' and some, reuniting with their 'old love' , I fell deep into my own depressive state of still not having found my own. I was fine before this. I didn't need to think about this nor have this feeling pollute my mind but it did. Inevitably, inescapably, it drilled itself into my mind's core and then somehow found a way to worm itself into my heart; leaving me utterly incapacitated.

I hate this feeling of wanting and yet not having; of longing and yet not finding. I guess it's time I face reality - I might never find that special feeling ever again; not with anyone I know right now, not ever.

So goes the famous saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Being in my current state, I would tend to disagree. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to have someone understand you and accept you wholeheartedly. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to sit together with someone and feel like the world is a better place simply 'cause she's there. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to find someone who completes you in a way no one has ever done before. Maybe it's better...

I got a taste of what love, in it's simplest and sweetest sense, feels like and I want to hold it in my arms again but I am paralyzed by the fear that I may never find it again...

... and it is the fear that consumes me...

... it is the fear that drowns me and pulls me under...

... to where I may never surface again...

Sportsmanship Day

2010-04-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

I recently had the privilege of attending my students' sports day at SMJK Kwang Hua. I had to cancel my classes but it was worth it. Anyway I'm going to replace those classes next week but I'm never going to get another chance to be at my students' big day. This was, after all, their senior year and their last ever sports day.

For weeks, my students have been staying back after school, marching in the hot sun while some have spent hours designing and making their banners. They've been so tired with practices that a few have even stopped coming to my classes for a month while some have skipped one or two classes. Of course I wish they could attend but I've always kept an open-mind to their situation and I willingly allow them to forgo their classes without any ill-feeling. Rather, I greatly encourage their participation in sports day.

For me, sports day is an experience that every student should participate in. It's one of the most memorable events of a student's life and most of all, it's a non-academic event. Along with canteen day, school concerts and graduation day, sports day should be celebrated as a key contributer to a student's overall development. In our flawed education system that continually bores our students to death with mindless spoon-feeding, sports day is a rare success story. Leadership, teamwork, creativity and determination are great lessons which a book can never teach you. It's a great shame that most schools are not properly funded with well-equipped track and field facilities. One look at the muddied, sand-covered field tells you just how much support schools get from the government.

Yet, despite all these forces working against them, I saw my students march proudly, stomping on mud and turning their white shoes black. I saw them exert every ounce of energy running, slipping, falling and some failing; but never giving up. I saw them cheer their teams as they crossed the finish line while some despaired with bruises on their hands and knees but never once did I see the competition boiling over into a heated rivalry. Instead, there were hugs between competitors and handshakes between house captains. Some of my students failed in their quest for trophies but the true champion of the day was sportsmanship. It's the important tiny details like these that make the whole event such a joy to watch.

As for me, I soaked in all the joy and glory of my students, for they performed to the best of their abilities and for that, they are all winners! "Majulah Sukan Untuk Negara!"

What's Wrong With Fun?

2010-03-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

Recently, I had another case of 'Parental Obstruction'. That's what I call a situation when a parent stops a student from coming to my class, even though the student wants to stay in my class. It's happened before in the past, it's still happening now and I'm afraid it will still happen in future.

I'm fully aware that as a non-parent, I have no experience in raising a child. I also believe that a parent knows what's best for his/her child... most of the time. We are all humans after all and do make mistakes from time to time... such as what this parent did by pulling her child out of my class.

My boss, who's a very understanding lady, told me this, "Her mother said your class is too much fun. So, she stopped her daughter from coming to your class. Her daughter is now taking English class at another center. I asked her how is the class? She said, 'boring'." While my boss doesn't fully understand my concept of teaching, she accepts it and supports me. She advises me to balance my learning and fun, which I just nod to. Despite the fact that I've been balancing learning and fun all along, I don't blame her for not fully trusting in my teaching methods sometimes.

The problem with a lot of Malaysian parents is this - they think that LEARNING = BORING. So, when class is FUN, then there is NO LEARNING - which is totally WRONG! It's very difficult to change this perception that has been ingrained into their minds. To them, all that really matters is the string of 'A's their child gets in PMR or SPM. We can thank our "wonderfully intelligent" education ministry for this mentality that most Malaysian parents have. Let's not also forget the "fantastic" new English syllabus that they've changed to this year. Ugh! All right, I should stop here or else I might start breaking something.

It's funny to think that parents would rather subject their child to torture than let them enjoy their learning experience. When I hear my ex-student say that her new English class is 'boring', it kills me. It really does. Well, I'm disappointed but not devastated. I learnt from my bad experience last year that I've just got to keep fighting the system. Our education system is greatly and painfully flawed and I will continue to fight it! I would be a hypocrite if I were to give up all that I've stood for and give-in to parents' demands for "more exam practises". Gawd! I'm going mad just thinking about it!

Well, if there's one way I can prove to any parent that students will learn more by having fun in my class, it's in their exam results. I've lost count of how many students who've graduated under me, who got 'A's for English in their PMR or SPM. Yet, I'm never too proud of that fact. Rather, it's when my students grow up to be good people, instead of just good students, that I'm really proud. Nothing beats the joy of seeing young minds opening up to a whole new world of knowledge and life's lessons that no book can ever teach them; and to see them having fun while at it! How cool is that?

I hate sounding boastful but sometimes, I have to stand up for what I believe in and defend my teaching methods. If they say LEARNING = BORING, well, I say LEARNING = FUN! And we shall have it!

Speaking of 'fun', well, I sure had plenty with my ex-fifth formers a few days ago. Bet they had lots of fun too. I've always tried to be a friend to my students and every year, I put in more effort and make more sacrifices too as the number of students who graduate under me increase. Now, instead of just three class reunions a year, I have to organise nine! But I enjoy it and it goes without saying that my students appreciate the effort I put in. I'm lucky to have them!

This is actually the second reunion I've organised for this class. Our first reunion was so 'sad', with only six faces, I was determined to get at least half, if not all of the class together. Amazingly, 90% of the class made it - a new record! I couldn't hide my joy. I was going crazy, singing and fooling around in that room that day! Yeah, I'm childish! Haha!

After the singing, we had lots of time to look like lost Japanese tourists (or so I tried to) and even had another round of craziness during dinner at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng. That's where I ate 'Jing Tian' (Oops! I mean, 'Tian Jin') and boy did it taste nice - 'ham ham sap sap' LOL!

We also made time to take one round of what-you-call-that-Japanese-photo-booth-thingy. That was pure childish fun! I loved it! Haha! After that, it was finally time to say 'goodbye'. What was supposed to be just three hours of Karaoke turned out to be a whole day. And what a great day it was! As my ex-student would say, let the pictures do the talking! =)

Seven Days of Cakes

2010-01-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

'Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday... Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday... get, get, get, get, get with us, you know what we say, say 'Party' every day, p-p-p-party every day!'

Before this week began, I always thought those words would only apply to crazy clubbers who would literally party every day and not work. Well, this week, I found myself living life to those same words. No, not that I partied at the club every day of the past week but it was a whole week of parties - my birthday parties, that is!

Oh boy... what can I say? Surprised? Touched? Overwhelmed? I was all of these and much more... grateful and moved beyond what my face could express in their midst.

It all started on Saturday night at Uncle Chilli's. My Heng Tai - Shan, Seong, Teej (and Ai Leen), Jun Fey (and Cynthia) and of course my 'twin' brother Yengs, celebrated my turning a year older with an absolutely smashing meal. I was so full, I nearly burst - and I do mean burst as in I could feel the food coming up to my throat. Okay, that's a bit disgusting but just to illustrate how good the food was and how much I had! I even ended it by sharing a Molten Lava Chocolate Cake. There's always space for dessert! Thanks guys!

Next up, a quick stop at Steffi's house to receive an awesome gift of classic comedy in 'Mind Your Language'. It was something which never crossed my mind. All the more awesome! Then, it was to meet my ex-students, Ying Shien, Seah Ni, Nian Sin, Chi Wah and Pei Sun from Mega Yakin Class of 2008 at Station 1. The surprise was really last Sunday when they booked me one week in advance. Now, that has to be one of the earliest bookings I've ever had. I felt like an eagerly anticipated new movie in the cinema. Haha! Well, it was really good to meet them again as our reunion plan in December had failed to materialise. Thanks dear friends for organising and for the Tiramisu.

Now, on Monday, I really wasn't expecting anything. This turned out to be the biggest surprise for me, especially since my students were such good actors, giving lines like, "Eh, yesterday was your birthday ar? Oh, sorry I forgot!". Yeah, RIGHT! This bunch nearly made me blow my top by purposely not paying attention and then in the next moment, nearly made me cry by presenting me with a coffee cake, a hilarious but meaningful and touching song performance and a huge box of Liverpool merchandise. I was dumbstruck to say the least. Thank you so much Wawasan Form 5 friends. I feel vindicated!

On Tuesday, I was still feeling the after-effects of Monday's wonderful surprise. I set-up my laptop and projector as usual to begin the class and as I turned on the first slide, I breathed a quick smile to myself. My mind rewound to this very same moment yesterday when my dear student Wann Jhuin, walked in with my cake. I quickly brought myself back when suddenly, the lights went out and in walked my dear student Chuan Liong, singing 'Happy Birthday' with a vanilla cake in hand. I couldn't believe it! It was deja-vu! I had to blow the candle out more than a few times though as they naughtily placed one of those trick candles that were impossible to blow-out. It was good fun. Thanks, my friends from Mega Yakin Form 5.

I was smiling all the way as I walked into the hall of Alam Gemilang on Wednesday. After what had happened the past two days, there was no reason not to. The students were late in coming to class but I was happily smiling away. Some were even walking in and out, preventing me from starting my class properly but I was still smiling away. Then, the smile got even bigger. 'Happy birthday to you...' they sang as my dear student Yee Wei, walked in bearing an American Chocolate Cake. It was like a dream. Thank you Alam Gemilang Form 4 friends. This is the 2nd time you've surprised me.

By Thursday, it was all getting a bit sentimental for me. I kept shaking my head at the surprise birthdays of the past three days. I just couldn't believe my students had done all these for me. Surely, nothing was going to happen tonight as I was going through grammar lessons with my Form 4 bunch. By the time the last fifteen minutes of class arrived, I was sure it was back to normal. And then... the all too familiar song filled the air yet again. This mischevious bunch had me blowing the candles three times as they re-lit the candles each time I went out after I had blown them! Haha! You just gotta love them! And so, we shared a Vanilla Koko Crunch Cake that night. Thanks, dear friends from Mega Yakin Form 4.

Early Friday morning. It's the last day of my working week and I was looking forward to hanging out with my ex-students after class. I delivered my introduction to Phantom of The Opera in my usual hyper-self and didn't even smell anything coming. It possibly couldn't. This bunch had already wished me last Friday and two of them had even given me presents. So, no more celebrations. I was sure! That was until my dear ex-student Qao Shaun, walked into the darkened room with my Vanilla Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake. On top of that, I received two cards (one of which was hand-made) and a huge box of Ferrero Rocher. There were no thoughts of crying now. It had been too wonderful a week to cry about it. No, I could only smile from ear to ear. Thank you Alam Gemilang Form 2 friends. For the laughter, the love and the hugs.

For the past seven days, some of them have been filled with a tear or two as I lay myself down to sleep... but for the most part, there has been a huge smile in my heart that will be forever etched into my memory. This has been, quite simply, the most unforgettable seven days of my life so far... and I think it just might get better... I gotta feeling.

The First Week

2010-01-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

So 2009 came and went just like that. In what was considered a tougher year than the rest of my teaching years, 2009 ended quietly and almost unnoticed. No crazy countdown in KL and Sunway like years before and definitely no dancing the morning away at clubs like years much earlier. A sign of old age perhaps?

As much as I wanted the year to pass due to the difficult challenges I faced, coupled with the disappointments in my love life and the pain that often comes along with it, I didn't really want 2010 to come so soon. This year, I will face a host of new challenges and with it, I'm sure disappointments as well. I just hope my love life stays trouble-free. Especially with what happened last year. Phew!

The first week, as every year is, has been a week of uncertainty. There's the need of getting used to a new schedule (remembering it more like it!), the need to prepare new lessons and schedules and the need to search high and low for books; and I do mean, high and low. Some of the bookstores these days stack books up to the roof!

Then, there's the uncertainty of who will show up for class. Over the years, I've learnt to accept that former students might not return for class just as some new ones will show up but this has got to be the first year that NONE showed up! I hadn't gotten any confirmation from any prospective Form 3 student to begin with, so I was more or less prepared to see only one or two brand new faces but I ended up sitting there in class on Tuesday, waiting for no one. I guess that famous saying from Forrest Gump comes to mind, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." (which in this case is none). Haha! Well, I guess I'm still sane enough to laugh about it sadly, if that's possible.

After a rather interesting and surprising first week came to an end, I took the opportunity to unwind during the weekend. So, I headed to an old favourite - the fish ball 'kuey teow' shop under the old Klang bridge. When I reached the shop, I was told by the 'bah kut teh' lady that the two brothers had retired. 'Deeply devastated' doesn't even come close to describing how my stomach felt. I'd been craving so much for that bowl of 'kuey teow tah' that I was almost about to cry. I want my 'kuey teow tah'! Boo hoo hoo!

Sad and lonely, I took the long walk back to my car but not about to give up, I curiously went in search of my 'kuey teow tah' along the old colonial shops. To my surprise, there was an uncle who sold something similar. Actually, it wasn't similar at all. But heck! I wanted my 'kuey teow tah' and I was gonna get it!

After finishing my less than satisfying bowl of 'kuey teow tah', I walked to my car sad and lonely yet again. How I wish I had gone back sooner so that I could have a taste of 'kuey teow' heaven one last time. If only I had known...

That's just how life is, isn't it? We're so busy living our lives that we sometimes take things for granted. We forget the things we cherish and when we want a little piece of what we long for, it's gone before we even know it.

I want so much to post a picture of my favourite 'kuey teow tah' here so that I can share it with you and perhaps, so that I can at least stare at it. Sadly, in all those years of eating it, I never took a picture... and now it's all gone - how delicious it looked, how wonderful it smelled... all gone. Now, all I have is the memory of it, just like all the things that have disappeared in my life. Some things in life... they just don't last.

When The Stars Go Blue

2009-11-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, something hasn't been right in my life. I've never felt so down in a long, long time. Most of my students don't realise that I'm going through a rough patch because I'm my usual cheerful self in class. I have to - I have a job to do and that's to inspire and educate young minds. As a teacher, I try to help a lot of people with their problems, whether in studies or in life but when it comes to my own problems, I have to help myself.
*
To the few who have realised that something wasn't right in my life, thank you for your concern and encouragement. Even though your words couldn't make the pain go away, they brought me some comfort. I'm really lucky to have you as my friends. Thank you.
*

As a teacher, a lot of people look up to me. Some expect me to be perfect. But I'm not. I try to be the best I can but I'm still only human. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I make mistakes and some of these mistakes are stupid and inexcusable. Everyone makes mistakes but when I make them, somehow they seem bigger or worse than when others make them. I'm not denying what I did was stupid and wrong. I admit it - I was stupid and wrong. But I also ask for forgiveness and that seems harder to come by for me... simply because I'm a teacher.

I suffer a lot for my mistakes, not just because others blame me or hate me for my mistakes but because I blame myself and hate myself over and over again for my mistakes. I punish myself so that I won't make the same mistake again. I always tell my students, "It's all right to make mistakes; what's important is to learn from your mistakes and never make the same mistakes again." So, I tell myself that as well. When I can be a teacher and guiding light to others, I can only be my own and it's really hard. It's really hard and it hurts.

For the past few weeks, I've disconnected myself from almost every form of communication. I've tried to shut myself away from the world. In all that time, I've been like a withered leaf... drifting aimlessly in the water, not knowing or caring where the water takes me. Wherever I've been to in the past few weeks, my body was there but my mind was always somewhere else. I've lived life alone for a long time but these few weeks, I've never felt more alone in my life...

... and it's time to get up. From where I've been drowning, it's time to swim; it's time to breathe again for I cannot go on like this. I cannot let my mistakes hold me back from living. I'm not young anymore; yet there's so much more to live for. I can't let my life fade away, fade into grey. No, I'm alive and I'm here to stay.

******************************

Now, it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. Inside, I'm hurting... and my heart wants to cry but my tears won't fall. So, I can only sing out my sorrow. Another year has passed and another group of special students have left. I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up - to be strong when it's time to say 'goodbye'.

*
Some people may not understand why it's so hard for a teacher to say 'goodbye' to his students, especially since the teacher only teaches at tuition centers. Well, I'm different. I know I am and my students know it too. I don't need to prove to anyone how different I am. I just do my best for my students. Their opinion matters most to me.

*
For the past few years, I've been criticised, gossiped about and shot down by parents for my teaching methods, for my 'lack of experience' and for my lack of focus on exams. No matter what I say, no matter how I try to explain, I keep fighting a losing battle. So, I don't want to care so much about what they think. I want to care more about what my students think. Yes, I'm a person who's often misunderstood. Even when I try to do the right thing, I'm misunderstood. That is my curse for being different.

*
To my Class of 2009 students who graduated this week, THANK YOU for believing in me, THANK YOU for understanding me and THANK YOU for loving me because I'm different. I love you as my students; and as my friends. I will miss you all dearly; in fact I already am. There's always not enough time to say everything but just to let you know, you will always be in my heart and you will always be a person of worth in my eyes.

*
Tonight, in my last Graduation Class, one of my students cried as I dedicated my last gift to them and another cried as she sat down at the end of class. Over the years, a few have cried when leaving my class but these students have cried the hardest. Inside, my heart was breaking but I didn't cry. I would never allow myself to cry in front of my students. I always have to be strong - for them and for me. And when the voices have all left the room and it's only me in there, it gets really hard for me to stay. I have to leave as soon as I can or my heart wouldn't survive.

As I drive home alone in the quiet rain, I recall the very last moments in tonight's class. I guess the biggest compliment I can get as a teacher is when my student comes forward to hug me at the end of class; and as she lets go, she says, with tears almost dry in her eyes, "Thanks friend."

******************************

* MEGA YAKIN CLASS OF 2009 *

* ALAM GEMILANG CLASS OF 2009 *

* SRI WAWASAN CLASS OF 2009 *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
'Where do you go when you're lonely?

Where do you go when you're blue?

When the stars go blue?'

Taking A Break

2009-10-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

Guys, I won't be updating my blog for some time. I don't know how long honestly. I will probably be back but for now, I can't say when. I hope everyone will be fine and doing well while I'm gone. Take care.

The Truth Hurts

2009-10-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

How do I go about describing a day where I'm so nervous that I end up sleeping for only 3 hours? For me, that is some kind of record. I usually go to bed around 7 and wake up way after lunch time. Today, I woke up at 10.

I looked myself in the mirror... the wrinkles suddenly become so obvious... the hair suddenly looks thinner and my face is simply a mess. I look away in disgust. If there's one thing I can't stop, it's time. So, I let go and resign myself to the seconds ticking away into minutes, hours and days. I'm not afraid of being old, just afraid of losing my youth.

I gather up my courage and my heart to go meet her - Destiny. She is shinning, shimmering in the bright sunlight like an angel... and she waits for me there. I walk into the sunlight and bathe myself in her afterglow as she walks ahead of me... every step a leap away from me, every movement a vanishing of her presence. The truth hurts - I can never be entwined with Destiny. Our worlds are too far apart and I'm just wrong for her. So , I wave goodbye and head for home, tired and waiting for Death to come for me.

In class, a missing face is haunting me. Where has that smile gone I wonder?

The voice over the phone reveals where the smile has turned into a frown, into an embarrased expression of sadness and perhaps regret?

Inside, my heart breaks into cracks as large as my soul. And with every crack, I patch it up and make it whole again. I make it strong once more to face another day.

The truth hurts - My classes don't focus enough on a student's examination needs. They are a waste of time. So, I wave goodbye and head for home, tired and waiting for death to come for me...

... but I lie awake still... no, I'm not ready to die yet...

"Praise is good, it strengthens the heart; criticism is even better; it strengthens the whole."

- Caleb Ho.

Goodbye For Now

2009-09-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

The past week has been a difficult one for me, as it always is at this time of the year. It used to be much harder but eversince I started teaching Forms 4 and 5 a few years ago, it meant that it didn't have to be 'goodbye forever' after Form 3. Saying 'goodbye' to the graduating classes at the end of this month, however, will be forever, and very hard indeed.

I walked into my Form 5 class today with a cloud hovering over me. I had already said my momentary 'goodbyes' to two Form 3 classes and I had to face another later at night. Nevertheless, I tried to be my usual upbeat self. Being a teacher, it's important that I maintain my professionalism no matter rain or shine. For me, being such an emotional person, it's always a very difficult thing to do - but I do it nevertheless.

So, to see faces half asleep (or perhaps half-awake), quiet, unresponsive and worst of all, not showing any sort of enthusiasm for my class, it kills me. Really, it does. And to think, this is going to be our last month together. I try to understand what they might be going through - exams, family problems, relationship problems, friendship problems, lack of sleep, sick... I don't know; but I try to make excuses for their behaviour. I try to forgive them. I try to not get angry or worse than that, disappointed. Afterall, I try my best to come up with new creative ideas to make learning interesting and fun, such as today's 'Court in Session' for literature. I really hope this is just a one-off. If this is how it's going to be for our last month together, then, it would make no difference to kill me now.

Are my lessons becoming boring? Are they losing trust in my unconventional learning methods? I really don't know...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Now that I've got that out of my heart, I want to dedicate this space to my bubbly, wonderful and crazy Form 3 bunch. You guys continue to make me feel younger than I really should. As if hanging out with 17-year-olds isn't making me young enough, you guys continue to turn back the clock on my youth. Ahh... I'm so going to miss you guys! Until next year and all the best for your PMR! You can do it! I believe in you...

The first 'goodbye' - Alam Gemilang Form 3 Class of 2009

The second 'goodbye' - Mega Yakin Form 3 Class of 2009

The third 'goodbye' - Seri Wawasan Form 3 Class of 2009

I Don't Want To Be UP

2009-09-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

I went to see UP today. It was upon my sister's recommendation and I honestly wouldn't have gone to see it if she didn't speak so highly of it. I'd seen the trailer numerous times before and thought to myself, 'Okay, I guess I'll skip this one'. But as the famous saying goes, 'Never judge a book by its cover'. I guess in this context it would be, 'Never judge a movie by its trailer'.

Movie trailers are often misleading. Usually, it's the other way around, where the trailer makes the movie seem so thrilling but when you actually watch the movie, you wish you'd stayed at home watching lizards crawl.

----------------- The voice (Ed Asner) and the character ------------------

This time however, it was totally unexpected. I think it's great that the trailer gives nothing away. I went into the cinema not knowing what to expect and came away simply awed by it. I can smother the producers with praise for the superb artwork and the clever use of colours to match the mood in the scenes. I could also tip my hat off to the excellent characterization but that would be missing the point; for the best part of UP is its story.

--------------- The character and the voice (Jordan Nagai) --------------

UP is essentially a story of life - the life of a man and a woman, who were both once a boy and a girl. I love how they made the characters speak less as they turned the pages of them growing old together. It's exactly what I believe true love should be. We don't need words to tell the other person how we feel or know how the other one feels; we just need to look at each other and let the silence speak the words we feel. Sometimes, the silence sings more beautifully than words can ever say. I knew a love like that once...

Throughout the entire hour and a half, my eyes were fixed upon each scene that unfolded before me. I laughed, I cried. The more I watched, the more I wanted to be like Carl Fredricksen. I wanted to meet a girl like he did. I wanted to fall in love so innocently as he did. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the one I love, just as he did. Even if I ended up alone in the end, it would all be worth it.

I love the wonderful lesson in UP. It's one that we should all learn. No matter how old we are, we can all learn to be a kid again. It's something I'm doing right now and it's something I hope I'll still be doing for all the years I'm alive.

The movie really made me think of my own life. The only thing is that I'm not as lucky as Carl Fredricksen. He found Ellie as a young boy; I've been looking for true love for as long as I can remember. It's been so long that it's gotten to a point where I've stopped looking. Now, I'm just waiting... waiting for it to come my way. And I'll keep waiting, for as long as it takes.

A lot of people feel I have high expectations for love but actually, what I want is really simple. For all the fun that I might have if I were to float my house UP in the sky, I don't want to be UP. I just want to be on the ground... lying quietly with the love of my lifetime.

"The real adventure of life is the relationship we have with other people, and it's easy to lose sight of the things we have and the people that are around us until they're gone." - Pete Docter

52 Years of Waiting

2009-08-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Growing up as a kid, I never really understood what being a Malaysian was all about. Simply because as a kid, I didn't see people as Malays, Indians, Punjabis or Chinese. They were either my friends or just people I didn't know. Life for me, as a kid was so much simpler and I grew up having Chinese, Indian, Malay and Punjabi friends.

*****

Today, as an adult, I am supposed to be wiser. Today, as a society, we are supposed to be more civilised. So, why are my friends of other races becoming lesser and lesser? We are supposed to be more understanding and 'tolerant' of each other but we seem not to be. Actually, I don't like to use this description of our society, 'to be tolerant of one another' or in our national language, 'mengamalkan sikap bertoleransi di antara satu sama lain' (not bad for someone who scored 'P8' for BM in SPM eh? LOL).

*****

When we tolerate others, it brings to mind a feeling of disgust and annoyance. It's like saying,

"Wah lau... I cannot tahan that stupid song but no choice lah. Have to tahan anyway, if not sure fight wan...".

It's actually a very negative way of looking at things and certainly a very negative way to live in a plural society like ours. That's one term I like - 'plural society'. It reminds me that there's more than one and we all belong to ONE society.

*****

Yes, the radio stations are blaring it, the TV stations are pasting it over the screen 24/7 - this 'Satu Malaysia' message which some might term as propaganda. Some may see it as the government's attempts to air-brush the mess that we are in right now (Yes, boys and girls, we ARE in a mess!) while the more optimistic will see this as a campaign to strenghten national unity. For our current and future generation, I hope the latter is indeed truer than the former.

*****

In previous years, I would most likely be out on the town on Merdeka Eve, with my beloved country's flag draped around me and I'd be running like a madman with my students at Sunway Pyramid screaming 'Merdeka! Merdeka!'. Somehow, this year, the enthusiasm has left me. Not that I don't love my country anymore but recent events have shattered my belief in what's left to hope for in this country. The names 'S. Kugan' and 'Teoh Beng Hock' remind us that we are still a long way from 'Merdeka'. Having independence means being free to live but instead, we live in fear of what's to transpire. Add to those two names, one particularly beautiful soul - the late Yasmin Ahmad, and the mood this year is indeed more sombre than triumphant.

*****

I love my country but there's not much love coming from the other side. Anyone who's experienced unrequited love will know how that feels. Sucks right? I always advice those blindly in love that 'love is not a one way street'. 'It takes two hands to clap' would be the completing phrase for that. I have loved my country for my entire life so far, when will she ever return my love? For those like me, it's been 52 years... and we are still waiting...

KAMI CINTA NEGARA KITA, KAMI ANAK MALAYSIA!

Selamat Menyambut Hari Merdeka kepada semua Anak Malaysia. Live long and prosper!

Disappear

2009-08-22T08:21:00.001-07:00

We used to walk along the same path,
until our roads diverged,
which lead us down separate paths,
from where our lives once merged.

I have kept my end of the promise,
to always be there for you,
to let you know, how much of you I miss,
and how my life without you seems blue.

But where have you gone to?
where is the promise you made?
the words to me you said,
are not where they once laid.

Would you tell me,
how could this be?
Where is your heart and honesty,
for someone who once made you see?

I never asked for a promise,
it was you who gave it,
yet I do not see, hear or feel it,
the words to which you commit.

I am burned in an ocean of fire,
the waves crash onto my heart,
they break and they batter,
crushing me in every part.

I was once your teacher,
your guiding light,
but now i am non other,
than the darkest of night.

I am your friend and will always be,
but I cannot be the one,
to keep the candle burning strong and free,
if you end it before it has even begun.

Now I am neither your friend nor your teacher,
how I wish I was still the latter,
for we used to have so much fun together,
sharing thoughts and laughter.

I am prepared and willing to keep walking,
to keep the candle burning,
for our friendship is worth growing,
and our memories are worth remembering.

I hope things will get better,
I hope there won't be tears,
for I do not want to persevere,
only to see it disappear.

All The World's A Stage

2009-08-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

... and all the men and women merely players. So goes the famous quote from Shakespeare's 'As You Like It'. Shakespeare may have been brilliant to see that life is played out almost like a stage performance but I bet he had no idea that a stage could rock!

Saturday, August 15, 2009 - what a blast it was at MTV World Stage in Sunway Lagoon! I was lucky enough to win 4 passes from VJ Utt at Zouk's Pre-Party the week before and I put them to good use, bringing my cousin and 2 crazy rock fans along. And boy, did we party!

We got there an hour early and were greeted by a slight drizzle which was threatening to turn into a thunderstorm. Luckily for us, the rain faded away soon after. It would've been funny if it poured 'cause Sunway Lagoon specifically drained the entire surf pool just for this event. Imagine having the pool fill up with water during the concert. Haha! That would've been totally insane!

We wanted to sneak in our cameras but were told by the organisers that cameras were not allowed. If only I'd known they hardly enforced the rule. When we got into the concert venue, we saw tons of people camwhoring away. That totally sucked. It was a good thing my student ran into her friend, who was one of those who smuggled in their cameras. So that meant we could camwhore too! Yay!

Local band Estranged were already playing by the time we got there but not many were interested. Estranged actually plays some good music but unfortunately, being a local band, not many people bother. So much for 'Malaysia Boleh'. Hah!

Then, VJs Utt and Tanya appeared on stage to throw some t-shirts and other prizes at the audience before announcing the next act. This was the first of 3 acts many of us had been waiting for and it was definitely a good one to begin with. Boys Like Girls roared off with their infectious new single ,'Love Drunk' which had the crowd jumping and screaming, including yours truly. That was the first official moment of me being 18 again on the night. After a fun-filled set, they capped their performance with 'The Great Escape' - awesome!

Raygun came up next and predictably, a majority of the crowd were like... 'okay...' Not the most enthusiastic, I can tell you!

After Raygun ended their set, the crowd (mostly the guys) started screaming again when the adorable yet foxy Pixie Lott heated up the stage with her presence. My... my... my... what a voice. I can't believe she's only 18. Man... she's HOT! Love the accent!

After a long wait, the 2nd of the 3 anticipated acts came on stage to loud cheers of 'Hoobastank! Hoobastank! Hoobastank!'. Doug Robb, the lead singer mentioned, "Wow, I've never seen so many people in a pool!" I also managed to spot a cheeky poster from one of the female fans which read, 'Can I buy you another drink, Dan?', referring to lead guitarist, Dan Estrin. They rocked the crowd and had us eating out of their hands when they finally performed their biggest hit, 'The Reason'. Man, we were singing like a choir out there!

If that performance was crazy, then the next act totally set the stage on fire! All American Rejects kicked off their set with 'Dirty Little Secret' and they really worked up the crowd throughout their entire performance. It was one hit after another and I just couldn't stop jumping and screaming like an 18-year-old. No, I'm not ashamed to admit I'm in the 'uncle' age group but at the same time, I'm not ashamed to behave like a 'kid' either. Haha!

Their performance was the best of the night and this is where I thought the organisers made a big mistake. A huge percent of the crowd started leaving after AAR ended their energy-sapping performance. I mean, who could blame them? How many of us have even heard of Kasabian? I only know one song - L.S.F., and that's from playing FIFA 2004. True to expectations, the remaining crowd were largely quiet and unmoved throughout the performance. When the band finally played L.S.F., there was suddenly a lot of jumping and singing. Now we know how many people actually play FIFA 2004. Haha!

It was a shame the concert ended in such anti-climactic fashion but I had my fun anyway. Rocking with all the young people out there was such a high. Now, I'll have to get back to being 26 :p

*Photos courtesy of mtv.asia.com and Kin Hoe.

Two Weeks In A Row? Impossible.

2009-08-05T11:54:00.001-07:00

That thought entered my mind as we sat there in a group, laughing 'till our jaws and stomachs hurt.

Last week, I just had a great session with this bunch and today, here we were again, laughing our heads off. I mentioned in the previous post that this class has that rare quality called 'chemistry'. Today, they've proved me right again.

It's not easy to work up a good hearty laugh when we're doing something as tedious, mind-numbing and boring as exams. But it's something we need to do, no matter how boring it is. I feel for my students. Many of them are going through tough times facing exams, strained family ties, problems in friendship and that touchy issue of 'love'. And some are even falling sick. But how do I balance the need for preparing them for SPM and having fun in learning?

Teaching is not as easy as some would think, simply because studying is boring stuff. And making studying fun is a real challenge in itself. I guess I owe it to my upbringing that I had the opportunity to be creative from a young age. My parents had a personal tutor at home, teaching me nursery rhymes when I was merely 3. I believe this was what sparked my interest and love for English, and with it, the passion for languages. And with this passion ingrained in my heart, I started writing poetry, which is an excellent way of expressing creativity. As I grew with an inquisitive mind, my creativity over-flowed into other areas of my life - art, music and drama.

I did not envision to be a teacher at a young age. Those who know me well, know of how I became a teacher. Life is strange in how it leads you to a destination you never expected, where everything falls into place. The skills I had gained since young are now applied shamelessly on a weekly basis. Just ask my students and they'll tell you that these 3 elements are ever-present in my classes. I draw, I sing, I dance, I act, I tell jokes - in many ways, I'm a one-man mobile entertainment machine! Haha!

All this is in good fun but it serves one purpose - my students. I try to make learning fun not for me but for my students. I understand the pressure they have to go through as a young teenager. All that stress just isn't good for young healthy minds. So, I try to inject some fun into their lives, hoping that it will relieve them of their stress. There's fun even when we're doing the boring stuff like discussing exam papers, essay-writing and of course, grammar (I swear I can hear groans from every corner. Haha!).

Not many people realise that I have to seriously crack my head for new ideas all the time. A good example are my group projects and last week's literature exercise, which I designed. Some exercises, like today's group-writing, were ideas I borrowed from the internet but which I modified to suit my classes. And then, there are some which I have to pull out of the hat when Plan A AND Plan B fail. Thank goodness I have quite a bit of creativity in my brains or else I'll be dead. Well, actually, I won't suffer that much but my students will really suffer having to go through a boring lesson if my main plan and back-up plan fail.

In the end, my students are what matters to me the most. A lot of people don't get me when I say this - I was happy to get my pay today but I was happier to hear the laughter and see the smiles on my students' faces. If I were to measure it in terms of money, then I guess this would sum it up:

-
Stationery = $ 2.50
Writing paper = $ 11.90
Tables and chairs = $ 800
Laughing our heads off = PRICELESS

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard. =)

I Love Chemistry

2009-07-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

To most people, it would seem that every day passes by; repeating itself over and over again in a tedious almost routine-like manner. But for me, my days are always different.

I'm lucky enough to work with teenagers, simply because they're a lot of fun. They're young and energetic (well, most of the time, when they're not sleeping in class), talkative and humorous and sometimes, they're as crazy as I am.

So being around them, it's hard not to feel young and energetic like them. I guess that's one of the reasons why I've managed to stay young after all these years. I know my peers will probably feel jealous of me saying this but being with teenagers kind of makes me look (almost) like one too! Haha!

My classes are usually fun and I enjoy all of them but once in a while, there'll be a class which just goes so well, I wish it wouldn't stop. Today was one of them. I prepared a workseet for group discussion as a means of revising for literature and I had such a great time listening to their ideas. Sometimes, teenagers can really blow you away with the way they think. There was so much laughter in the class today, my stomach and jaws were hurting after that. I can only hope we have this much fun every week and for all my classes but of course, that can never be.

Every class is different and special in its own way. I'm lucky to say that I don't have any classes which I dislike teaching and I can see that most of my students enjoy being in my classes too. However, there is this thing called 'chemistry' which, much like being in love, is something that's hard to come by. So far, in the last few years of teaching, I've had only one or two classes which managed to create this 'chemistry'. It's a rare thing and I truly cherish it when it happens - such as today.

It really makes me happy to see a class of students being comfortable with each other and having fun together as we learn. Everyone may not be best friends with each other but there is a willingness to communicate, cooperate and contribute to the learning environment which is something I try to create but one which I can't possibly do alone. So, it's really a joy to see those laughing and smiling faces today 'cause everyone made this fun learning environment possible.

I hope all my classes will one day attain this elusive 'chemistry' and help me create a learning environment that's fun and beneficial for everyone, including me. Afterall, happy students make a happy teacher.

If Only Mondays Were Like Sundays

2009-07-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

I just had a good two days over the weekend. First, was a reunion lunch with my friends. It just so happened that my good friend, Alvin and my best friend, Joyce had returned to Malaysia - the former flying back from South Africa and the latter touching down from Singapore. It was a rare occasion to have those two back at the same time, so we went for a nice little Italian lunch with the heng tai at Flavors in Centro Klang. Despite the smaller servings (due to the current economy, no doubt) and my friend's peculiar-looking risotto, which in fact turned out more like fried rice, we had a good time catching up and joking around.

That night, I would meet up with the two of them again for another dinner gathering, this time with the chi mui. We dined at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. at Sunway Pyramid. It was my first time there and though the food was just all right, I loved every corner of that restaurant. The whole place screamed 'whacky and funny'! I was really impressed with their humour and creativity.

My best friend, my funny-looking friend, my heng tai and the chi mui

Alvin, in one of his crazy mood swings

After spending some quality time with my best friend, talking about life as she drove us back to Klang, I got home in a good mood; waiting for the next day.

It's been a long time since my former students from Wawasan and I met up, so it was great that nine of them agreed to show up. Even though some had to leave early and some had to come late, it didn't matter. It was so good to see their faces again. We spent hours eating, drinking and catching up. It was great to see how they'd all chosen different paths in life - each having a dream to fulfill. I can't say how proud I am of them. Of course, we also had time for 'chor dai tee', which is a must everytime we catch up. It was funny; how we played the game. I'm still laughing now as I recall what happened. It was really nice to see everyone having a good time together. It's something I'll always cherish with each and everyone of my students, from each and every class.

The gang (minus two who were camera shy)

It's amazing to see how we've changed since we first met

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After having such a good weekend, it was always going to be hard to start work on Monday. Even though I enjoy teaching, it doesn't mean it's a holiday. I still have work to do - things to plan and prepare so I can make lessons fun for my students.

Having said that, it's so disappointing and I would say, it even gets me angry sometimes, when my students don't pay attention to what I'm teaching in class. They talk and talk... despite my numerous requests for them to pay attention. And once they quiet down, they'll start talking and playing again, which gets me really mad. But I don't want to get mad. I hate being angry. I hate myself when I'm angry. So, all I can do is keep quiet for a moment... look down and breathe-in slowly to calm myself down; and then resume teaching.

After having two more enjoyable classes after that, I felt a little better. Then, as usual, I had dinner by myself at around 10:30pm. When I came home, I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge... and what did I see?

Hmm... what's this? A box of chocolates?

And then I saw the words and the photo... and my heart sank

...

I opened the box to reveal a delightful assortment of cakes and pastries. They looked so lovely. Everything was colourful and they looked temptingly delicious. I picked the orange glaze cake and took a bite - in my mouth, it tasted soft, creamy and sweet... but in my heart, it was hard, dry and bitter. I've never tasted anything so wonderfully sad... yet so painfully happy.

From The Sun To The Moon

2009-07-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

I woke up early at 7 today. It's the only day of the week I'll ever be up this early. Those who know me well enough will surely laugh to themselves about this fact. Hehe.

Naturally, I dread getting up so early but my young students have slowly become less of a pain and more of a joy and so I'm happier to get up early these days. I'm really proud of some of them who started out as rude and immature kids but have now slowly grown up to be well-behaved teenagers (although they are still a little 'humsup'!) Haha!

Among the boys who used to drive me up the wall are Jowie and Ren Hoe, whose birthdays we celebrated today. The thing that made this ocassion that much more special was that it was initiated by Shaun, another one of those boys who gave me so much stress in my first year with them. He was thoughtful enough to text me days before to plan this little celebration. Although I ended up ordering and buying the cake; and paying for most of it, I didn't mind. These boys have come quite a long way and show that they can change for the better. To me, this is the best gift of all. Students who go on to score straight 'A's make me proud but students who show that they can change their attitude for the best make me prouder.

So, here's to my boys: Jowie and Ren Hoe - Happy 14th Birthday! And to Shaun - Well done!

As soon as the joy of the morning was over, a little sadness started to fill my day; as night approached and the moon started to rise. Tonight, I was going to say 'farewell' to my ex-student, Kay Sern, who would be flying off to Australia. In all my years of teaching, he's the first I've had to say 'farewell' to and what more, so soon after graduating. So, it's with a bit of reluctance and a tinge of sadness as I feel he's still too young to leave. But alas, what's planned is planned and I will just have to accept that.

I didn't mind the long lonely drive to LCCT. It was the least I could do for a friend. Some people don't understand why I, as an ex-teacher would do this. Well, I guess they don't understand how much my students mean to me. And they probably don't understand that I may be a teacher to them in class but outside of it, we're friends. Of course, I don't do this for all my students. Friendship works both ways. It's pointless if I treat my students as friends but they don't feel the same way about me. The last thing I want is to be accused of not being fair or showing favouritism, which I don't practise.

Love can't be forced and so is friendship. So, to my friend, Kay Sern - Take care and enjoy your new Australian adventure. Carpe Diem!

Six Stupid Seconds

2009-06-23T12:51:00.001-07:00

Haih... WHAT was I thinking man?

I was in Centro today to do some quick shopping. I had 1 hour in between classes and wanted to be the first few to get my hands on some great bargains since today was the first day of the BRANDED CLEARANCE SALE - 3 words which make me go 'WOAH!' everytime.

So I quickly locked up the centre and drove 5 minutes to Centro. There were quite a lot of people there as expected but not as many to make it impossible to shop. I browsed through some t-shirts and was pleasantly surprised to see that they were ELLE HOMME. I've never owned an ELLE product before - not when a t-shirt costs RM 199! No way! So imagine my excitement when I saw the sign - '70% DISCOUNT'. Woo hoo! Shop! Shop! Shop! I picked out 4 Ts and tried them on for about 5 minutes before deciding to buy 3 for RM 83. Not bad I have to say!

Happy with my bargain hunting, I decided to walk further down to see if there were any more sales. And then it happened - the six stupid seconds.

My eyes immediately caught sight of the sign - 'G2000 - 70% OFF!' OMG! I couldn't believe it! I rushed into the shop and immediately took up a coat off the rack. I put my plastic bag down as I freed my hands to check out the design and cutting. I've always wanted to own a G2000 suit but as I pondered about whether I should buy one, my eyes caught sight of another sign - 'Pants - RM 49'. That's something I've always wanted too! I rushed to check if they had my size and tried it on. Perfect! Happily, I walked around the shop to scout for more bargains and that's when I realised something was not right...

Oh SH#@&$%!! My plastic bag! My orange plastic bag with the clothes I had just bought! I went back to the coat rack and searched frantically for my plastic bag. It wasn't there! I went round and round in circles. I asked the cashier at the counter, I asked the staff working there - nothing. I circled the shop again, rummaging through piles of clothes and searching the floor - again, nothing. Someone had taken it! WTH! Disappointed and frustrated with myself (and also the inconsiderate person who stole my clothes), I dragged myself to the counter to pay for my pants and then rushed to my car as I had to get back to my centre for my next class, cursing myself as I did. I didn't even have time for dinner anymore.

I shared my stupid (and expensive) mistake with my students hoping they won't make the same mistake as I just did. I managed to get over it momentarily and compose myself to teach. After class ended, I decided to call up a friend to pour out my frustrations (Thanks Doc!). After having a long chat with my friend, I locked up the centre and walked slowly to my car still thinking of my 83 ringgit. Later, at the food court while having my dinner, I was still thinking of my 83 ringgit; and as I was driving home after dinner, the 83 ringgit was still haunting my mind. Now, sitting here... I can still feel a heavy sigh in my heart...

Staring at the receipt, I calculated that even though I bought my G2000 pants for a discount at RM 49 from the usual price of RM 159, the fact that I lost my ELLE HOMME Ts worth RM 83, means that I actually spent RM 132 on my G2000 pants! This equates to only a 16% discount. Argh! How could I be so absent-minded? I don't know whether I should laugh or cry?

The Boys Are Back!

2009-06-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

I've waited 3 weeks for today. It was the date we'd more or less agreed on, that was best for everyone to meet up again. Tonight would be our 4th official reunion and we were going to karaoke for the first time as a group. And so we did... all 6 of us... all guys... Yay! We're going to have a 'gay' party! Haha!

To Kelvin, Wei Keong, Hao Jie, Eric and Bestian, thanks for showing up. It was great fun hearing you guys sing for the first time although I have to admit, a bunch of guys singing emo love songs sounds very gay to me. Haha! Anyway, here's a toast to us guys. Cheers!

Back home after 3 hours of eating, drinking, singing, shouting and screaming our lungs out, I feel a little empty inside as I scroll through my cell phone and delete the messages one by one.

- "Sorry, I have tuition"
- "I've got plans tonight. Sorry I can't make it, Sir."
- "Sorry teacher, I can't come."
- "I can't come tonight. I have family gathering."
- "Sorry I'm not free to go. I have assignments and test next week."

These were just a few of the reasons many of them couldn't make it tonight. I'm not blaming any of them. Rather, I'm blaming the situation. Not that I expected everyone to show up for our class reunion in the first place but neither did I expect so few to turn up.

Nowadays, when I organise class reunions, I think more along the lines of 'I wonder how many CAN'T make it?' instead of 'I wonder how many CAN make it?'. It's a little negative but it's realistic. Everyone's so busy with their own lives, it's impossible to get everyone together in one spot. The days of seeing everyone together is long gone... since the very last time I said to them, "See you next week."

Well, should I keep trying? Regardless of all the text messages I repeatedly send out or the calls I make, should I keep trying to get everyone together? Sometimes, I wonder if I'm organising class reunions for myself? Maybe I am... I don't know... but I'd sure like to think that I'm organising it for us. At least that's the way it should be.

Not One, Not Two, But Three

2009-06-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

I drove to class today filled with a sense of curiosity and anxiety. Last night, my student texted me, telling me that I was in for a surprise.

Everything seemed normal as I stepped into the centre. It was only when I approached my class that the surprise revealed itself. A familiar face greeted me and in his hand, he held out the orange envelope I'd only given him two months ago. I was stunned to say the least. Surprised, elated and overjoyed, I tried my best not to run around like a madman. Qao Shaun had returned - like something precious I'd lost had found its way back home.

I could barely contain my joy, smiling from ear to ear as I opened the door of the class when I was hit with yet another surprise. Sitting there, as she had always used to, was Tiffany! Amazement struck my face. Was I dreaming? As I slowly convinced myself that this was indeed real, I could hear my students talking among themselves, saying that I looked so happy today. I guess it really showed.

I have to say, the two surprises threw me off-balance and I had some trouble putting my words together as I started the day's lesson. It was just too good to be true. But it was. And then, for the third time today, the stunned look was etched on my face as I saw Yan Wei walk into class. I guess my expression was of such great shock that she wasn't sure if she could join us today. "Of course you're welcome to join us." I reassured her as much as I was reassuring myself.

Watching them express their creativity today was a treat. There's nothing like having a roomful of young minds showing that they can produce inventive ideas - as long as they're given the chance and the trust of someone who believes in them.

For the first time in weeks, my heart smiled again...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TAGGED BY Heart & Sweet

1. What have you been doing recently? Hanging out with my students.

2. Do you ever turn off your handphone? Well, do you ever sleep? :p

3. What happened at 10am today? I don't know. I was sleeping. Haha!

4. When did you last cry? Today.

5. Do you believe in Fate/Destiny? I believe that our lives are not in our own hands.

6. What do you want in life now? I want to spend more time with the ones I love.

7. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put up your hood? Neither. I just get into my car. Haha!

8. What's your favourite thing to do on bed? What? You mean MY bed? :p

9. What bottoms are you wearing now? Orange football shorts.

10. What are the nicest things in your inbox? Heartwarming messages from my students.

11. Do you tend to make relationships complicated? No. Unfortunately, it's usually the OTHER person who does. Sigh... I believe love can be easy if you want it to be.

12. Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone? By 'borrowed', do you mean 'stole'? :p

13. What was the last movie you caught? Monsters vs Aliens.

14. What are you proud of? My students.

15. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say and who is it from? Caleb Kor Kor, did you eat my Choki? (My 10-year-old cousin ) :p

16. What was the last song you sang out loud? Right Here, Right Now.

17. Do you have any nicknames? Do I HAVE any nicknames? You have no idea.

18. What does the newest text message say and who is it from? Caleb Kor Kor, did you eat my Choki AGAIN? (My 10-year-old cousin) XP

19. What time did you go to sleep last night? Technically, it should be this morning. Haha!

20. Are you currently happy? Yes! =)

21. Who gives you the best advice? My best friend.

22. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can? Do you have any table manners?

23. Who did you talk to on the phone last night? Oh... just this girl I met recently ;)

24. Is something bugging you right now? No, I use Ridsect.

25. Who was the last person to make you laugh? Oh... you know... this girl I met recently :)

26. Do you like yourself? If I don't like myself, then what's the point of being ME?

27. Do you think you are stupid sometimes? Oh yeah... lots of times actually... Haha!

28. Who is your best, best, best friend? Wah lau, no need to repeat 'best' so many times lah. Satu cukup. Joyce.

29. What will you do if you like that boy? Huh? Which boy? I like girls lah.

30. Who are your favourite stars? Wang Lee-Hom, Hebe, U2, Stephen Chow and Jim Carrey.

31. Do you hate your mother sometimes in some way? Eh, how can you say hate? My mum has sacrificed so much for me, I can only love her.

32. Have you had even stead before? What is an 'even stead'? Huh???

33. What type of boy do you like? OMG, this question is so gay!

34. Now, are you single/attached? Single and loving it! (Well, most of the time anyway) ;p

Pass this tag to 10 people:

1. 10 people

OK, done! Hee hee! =)

17 Again

2009-05-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

No, I've not seen the Zac Efron movie about a a middle-aged married father of two whose life is falling apart. In fact, I'm nowhere near to getting married anytime soon, much less have kids of my own.

However, the fact is, most guys my age are married with kids and have their career soaring (or just about to). I, on the other hand, am still single with not even a girlfriend in sight while my career isn't exactly rocketing into space.

Not that I care.

The truth is, I'm happy to be who I am and to live the life I'm living now. I don't mind being single despite the loneliness of having dinner alone on most nights. I'm happy to be anything but my age. I may fancy living in my own house and driving a nice car but I don't fancy the lifestyle that will have to come with it; and I certainly don't fancy the stress that's packaged with such a career-driven life.

I want to enjoy my life at my own pace. I want to be surrounded by people who won't give me stress but happiness and laughter; because I like to spread happiness and laughter too. I don't want weekends where I have to clock in at the office to finish off work before my boss strangles me on Monday. I don't want to be disturbed by a baby's cries early on a weekend morning (not for another few years at least). I want my weekends to be just like today... waking up just in time for lunch (Haha!) and then joining my students for a talk on drug abuse at the tuition centre before going off to meet my ex-students for a reunion at Station 1.

Our class reunion today was the highlight of my week (and singing impromptu on stage was probably the highlight of the month!) I treasure these moments above everything else. Especially now that everyone is living their own busy lives. I was surprised that many could turn up today and happier still that we had a fun time together. Being with them, I hardly feel like the 'ah pek' that some would think I am. Being with them, I feel like I'm 17 again... and I want to stay this way for as long as I possibly can. Why wouldn't I?

Salvation: Terminated

2009-05-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

What day is it? What year?

Those are two questions we hope we will never have to ask. For it either means that we've lost our memory or we've woken up to a new sinister reality... such as the one portrayed in the long-running saga of The Terminator.

I never got to see the first one in the cinema. That was way back in 1984. I was still a child and knew nothing of the significance of The Terminator as an icon of pop culture. Then, in 1991, I got my first taste of what a powerhouse this saga really is when Terminator 2: Judgment Day was released upon mankind. Until today, it still stands as one of THE best movies ever witnessed on the silverscreen. The younger generation will recall the third installment of this saga more vividly but that is a poor imitation of what The Terminator really is. Most of us would not even acknowledge T3 as part of the saga, which just tells you how much it sucked.

So, it's indeed satisfying to note that the latest installment has made a triumphant return from the 'malfunction' that was T3. I won't spoil it for you. Rather, I recommend that you go watch it. It's not as groundbreaking as T1 or T2 were but it will still set your heart racing. If you understand the core message of what this saga is all about, I think you will appreciate that the film-makers have injected that rather well into this action-packed, character-driven vehicle.

The question that John Connor poses to us at the end - as to what makes us all human, is a message we need to embrace. In the Terminator universe, the war is fought between man and machine. But in our universe, the war is fought between man and himself. Which could be worse I wonder?

The sooner we realise, the better; for we might soon discover that we have led ourselves to a salvation that has been terminated.

deggaT

2009-05-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Bubbly Bev

1. Besides your lips, where is your favourite spot to be kissed?
= My cheeks.

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
= I felt I needed more sleep! Lol!

3. Who was the last person you took a photo with?
= My ex-Monash collegemates.

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled?
= Would you consider someone who's washed public toilets as spoiled? :p

5. Will you ever donate blood?
= Only when I've fainted and am not aware of it. Lol!

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
= What do you mean 'was'? She still is! =)

7. Do you want someone to be dead?
= No one in particular but wouldn't mind a few dead criminals.

8. What does your last text msg say?
= "Haha..."

9. What are you thinking of right now?
= Should I go downstairs and finish the other half of the watermelon I just ate?

10. Do you want someone to be with you right now?
= Yes... someone who will love me for who I am.

11. What time did you go to bed last night?
= What do you mean 'night'? I went to bed this morning. Lol!

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now?
= It was a birthday gift.

13. Is someone on your mind right now?
= Yes... my students.

14. Who was the last person who texted you?
= Peng Yin

Ten lucky people to do this quiz:

1. Jing Tian
2. Xin Hui
3. Wei Le
4. Jia Yin
5. Jia Min
6. Candy
7. Qao Shaun
8. Beverly
9. Vi Vian
10. Ryan

15. Who is no.2 having a relationship with?
= Her camera :p

16. Is no.3 a male or female?
= Female

17. If no.7 and no.1 got together, would it be good?
= Haha! I wouldn't know. You'd have to ask them.

18. What is no.1 studying about?
= SPM in school; English and Life in my class. ;)

19. When was the last time you chatted with them?
= Most of them just today.

20. Is no.4 single?
= No.4, are you single? Haha! Yes, I think she is.

21. Say something about no.2.
= She needs to 'kena rotan' on her butt! lmao!

22. What do you think about no.3 and no.6 being together?
= Hahahahaha! No way! They're not lesbians.

23. Describe no.9.
= A really nice girl. Sweet, helpful, friendly, down-to-earth and adorable. Ryan, you're a lucky man indeed! =)

24. What will you do if no.6 and no.7 fight?
= Nah... won't happen. Candy's too cute to start a fight and Qao Shaun's such a nice guy anyway.

25. Do you like no.8?
= Definitely! (Are you reading this Bev?) Lol!

A Teacher's Day

2009-05-16T14:18:00.001-07:00

I received an unexpected text from my student tonight. It read,

"Happy Teacher's Day! Hope u hav a wonderful day!"

I was totally caught by surprise. I had no idea May 16 was Teacher's Day. I'm aware of its existence and this isn't the first time I've received well wishes from my students but I never made it a point to remember the date. I kind of start to wonder, why is that so? Perhaps I'm afraid of being disappointed that none of my students will remember. So, I guess it's best to just forget the date and let it pass by unnoticed. And if my students remember, then great. But if not, I'm not going to feel disappointed (Ah... do I sense a lie there?)

I guess for someone like me, a person who tries to give his all to the ones he loves, it's quite impossible not to feel disappointed when there is no sense of appreciation on the other part. But this isn't to say that my students don't appreciate me. I know they do and I'm going to sound really big-headed to make a fuss out of this so I'd rather not. I'll just accept whatever gratitude that comes my way and be grateful for that.

So, was today a wonderful day? My plans for a class reunion totally failed. Only 3 could make it out of the 16 and even then, I had to call them one by one to confirm. I'm not complaining so much about that but rather that it's so hard to get everyone together again. Well, not that I didn't know either. It's the same with every graduated class every year... they leave, grow up and live their own lives... I should know better. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss them and I'll take whatever trouble to organise a reunion... if it means we can be together again, then I must keep trying.

After getting over the disappointment of the failed reunion, I had to face the prospect of seeing Manchester United win the Premier League title with a 0-0 draw against Arsenal. Sigh... another season gone and Liverpool still can't win the title. Non-football fans must be scratching their heads about how this can be anything so terrible? Well, football fans, I'm sure you understand exactly how I'm feeling right now huh?

Then, as I was driving home, feeling that today had been a really lousy day, I got another text. Another surprise,

"Happy Teacher's Day. Hopefully i'm not too late."

And then, the disappointment of today's events seemed to roll away... I smiled as I thought to myself, 'How can it ever be too late to be happy?'

=)

*Special thanks to Yan Wei and Jia Min. I appreciate you two a lot.

The Music Man Has Landed

2009-05-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

I've only attended one concert in my entire life. Gin Blossoms' reunion concert in a small pub of a hundred people in Nebraska isn't exactly the sort of experience that makes you beam from to ear to ear; though at that time, it was fantastic for me since it was my first ever. But a real concert of mega proportions? Never. So, I was intent on making my first experience a truly memorable one.

When I heard that Wang Lee-Hom, one of the most influential Asian-Americans of all time and an icon of the Asian music industry, was performing LIVE in KL, I knew that this was the one. It wasn't an easy decision to make though, as the ticket prices were expensive and I wasn't going to waste my first concert experience by squinting my eyes from the cheapest seat. No, I had to make this one worthwhile, so I told myself, it must be the 3 most expensive seats available. Finding someone to go with me, who was willing to pay well over RM 300 was harder than I thought. After countless weeks of searching and asking, I finally found a willing fan in the form of my ex-student, Jin Xiang. Though I have to admit, 2 guys going to a Lee-Hom concert sounds so gay! Haha!

The day of the concert couldn't come sooner. I was up to my head in excitement and we arrived at Bukit Jalil Stadium almost 2 hours ahead of time. We lingered around the stadium compound before we entered 10 minutes before the scheduled start. I've never heard of a concert that started on time and I doubt Lee-Hom's would be the first. True enough, it wasn't until 8:15pm when the first opening acts warmed up the crowd. Then, at 8:30pm, the lights went out and the stage was all set to welcome our hero - Music Man.

The air was swirling with excitement and anticipation as screams of near delirium foretold his arrival. With his US$ 25,000 Bahamut guitar suspended in mid-air, Lee-Hom in his superhero costume descended on his 'spaceship' and set foot on the stage, punctuating the air with a mid-tempo version of 'What's Wrong With Rock?'. Then, in mid-song, he broke into the familiar frenzied tempo as fireworks fired into the night sky. He continued to set the tone for the first half of the night with a re-worked rock version of W-H-Y. It was a fresh take on the old favourite and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

All this while, the US$ 25,000 metal beauty was still sitting on the stand and I wondered when our stardust-haired hero was going to wield it. Well, it wasn't long after. And when he let it rip, my... my... what a roar! It was truly an Irish work of art. About 4 songs into the night, he introduced the first crowd pleaser and how they responded! Quite simply, everyone's heart was beating to this heart-wrenching ballad and no doubt about it, 'Xin Tiao' is his biggest hit from the lastest album. Hearing the guitar solo tear through the sky was worth the price of admission alone.

After a few more numbers, Music Man soon departed the stage and re-emerged in the form of a mellower Lee-Hom, who captivated the crowd with sweet serenades and powerful heartfelt ballads. Throughout the night, he wowed us with his multiple talents. From strumming the guitar, to caressing the violin, beating the drums and jazzing up the piano, we were simply in awe. Here was a man so talented and so good-looking, you wonder if God was being fair. Later however, when Lee-Hom broke into a dance routine, you could look up into the sky and say, "Okay God, thanks for being fair." Haha!

But I've got to give it to him - this man gives his all. From the superb stage design and set-up to every swell of his throat, you can feel every ounce of his effort pouring out to us - his fans. In many ways, I can relate to Lee-Hom, the performer and Lee-Hom, the ordinary man. The passion he puts into his music mirrors the passion I put into my teaching. His conviction in his music as the weapon to fight against the wrong in the music world flows parallel with my mission to stem the tide of our seriously flawed education system. In many ways, we are very much alike. Even in our quest for love, which often seems to elude us.

Now, if only I was as talented and good-looking as him. Haha!

This One Has Claws

2009-05-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly 3 months since I last stepped into the cinema. Not that I didn't want to but I just couldn't get friends to go with me due to timing differences and also a lack of movie 'kaki' these days.

So, it was fantastic that 11 of my buddies and I managed to organise a dinner and movie gathering. The movie in question? X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Man, I've been waiting for this ever since the last X-Men installment ended in disappointment. Pleased to say, this is one good movie.

I've always thought the best casting choice among all the X-Men characters was Hugh Jackman for Wolverine. He nailed the character from the start and it's been hugely satisfying to see him grow into the role with each installment of the X-Men series. While he was the standout character among the many other notable ones in the previous 3 movies, this one however, is all about him. And what a feast Hugh has laid out for us. The ladies especially, will absolutely love some of the scenes (and some might probably swoon while at it) Haha!

I'm not going to spoil it for those who haven't seen it but all I can say is, Hugh's portrayal of the animalistic mutant is wildly intense and filled with rage in its purest form. Comic loyalists may feel dissatisfied with some of the alterations to the original plot but from a movie-goer point of view, this movie will only serve to whet your appetite for more.

One thing I totally loved about this movie is that they FINALLY brought Gambit to life on the big screen. He should have been introduced since the first installment but well, it's been worth the wait. Wolverine rocks for sure but for me, Gambit's da bomb!

Who Invented This Thing Called Tag?

2009-04-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

100 TRUTHS

001. Real name : Caleb Ho
002. Nickname(s) : Carrot
003. Age : 17 (Ha! Ha!)
004. Zodiac sign : Aquarius
005. Male or female : Male
006. Elementary : Bunga Raya
007. Middle School : Sri Inai Klang
008. High School : ACS Klang
009. College : Hmm... where do I start?
010. Hair color : Or tau you
011. Long or short : Short
012. Loud or Quiet : Can be both.
013. Sweats or Jeans : Give me Levi's anytime!
014. Phone or Camera : Make every shot, a Powershot.
015. Health freak : Healthy - YES, Freak - NO.
016. Drink or Smoke? : Neither. I can't understand why people do either or both.
017. Do you have a crush on someone: Maybe...
018. Eat or Drink : Why choose either one when you can have both!
019. Piercings : Ugh!
020. Tattoos : Never thought of having one.
021. Social or Anti-Social : Super Social!
022. Righty or lefty : Righty

FIRSTS
023. First piercing : Never
024. First relationship : 25
025. First Best Friend : Joycey de Superior
026. First Award : Yamaha Kids Colouring Contest (First Prize) Hee hee!
027. First Kiss : Ooh... sensitive ni...
028. First Pet : A dog
029. First Big Vacation : Taiwan (when I was way too young to remember anything)
030. First Love at first sight : 1993
031. First Big Birthday : The one I can actually remember? 21
032. First Surgery : Never.
033. First sport you joined : Badminton

FAVOURITES
034. Orange or Apple juice : Apple (Funny how I don't like eating it but love drinking it)
035. Rock or Rap : Rock it baby!
036. Country or Screamo : Country
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys : S.H.E. (Hah!)
038. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera : Mandy Moore (Hah!)
039. Night or Day : We love come to come out at night... the stars all shine so bright...
040. Sun or Moon : Moon
041. TV or Internet : Internet
042. Playstation or xbox : You can PLAY on my STATION anytime baby!
043. Kiss or hug : Both
044. Iguana or turtle : Iguana-what?
045. Spider or bee : I'll take my chances of becoming Spiderman.
046. Fall or spring : Fall
047. Limewire or iTunes : Pasar malam pirated cd stall.
048. Soccer or baseball : Liverpool

CURRENTLY
049. Eating : Air.
050. Drinking : My saliva.
051. Excitement level : 6/10
052. I'm about to : go to bed once I'm done with this.
053. Listening to : Wang Lee-Hom
054. Plans for today : Class... class... class...
055. Waiting for : my one true love.
056. Energy level : 5/10
057. Thinking of someone : Yes... very much...

IN FUTURE
058. Want to get married? : Must I?
059. When : Perhaps 4 years from now.
060. Want kids? : A little scared.
061. How many? : Maybe 2?
062. Any names in mind? : Ho Leng Chai and Ho Leng Lui
063. What did you want to be when you were a kid?: Hollywood actor
064. Careers in mind : I already have one.
065. Mellow future or wind : What wind? Wind from your ass? No thanks!
066. Something you would never try: Smoking and commiting suicide (which is basically the same thing, really)
067. When do you want to die? : After I've done my part and enjoyed the best things in life.

IDEAL GIRL
068. Lips or eyes : Eyes
069.Romantic or Funny : Romantic
070. Shorter or taller? : Shorter
071. Protective or Caring : Caring
072. Romantic or spontaneous : Spontaneous
073. Nice stomach or nice arms : Both please.
074. Sensitive or loud : Sensitive
075. Hook-up or relationship : Relationship
076. Trouble maker or hesitant : Neither please.
077. Muscular or normal: Normal lah of course! Who would ever want somebody abnormal?

HAVE YOU EVER...
078. Kissed a stranger : Tak de
079. Broken a bone : No
080. Lost glasses/contacts : Don't wear either (but I've lost tons of other stuff. Haha!)
081. Ran away from home : Nope
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense : Hopefully never.
083. Killed somebody : Does imagining it count?
084. Broken someone's heart : Sigh... yes.
085. Had your heart broken : Sigh... yes.
086. Been arrested : Never
087. Cried when someone died : Surely the human heart cries.
088. Liked a friend more than a friend : Oh my... bad memories...

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
089. Yourself : Yeah
090. Miracles : Yes
091. Love at first sight : Not too sure if you can call it 'love'.
092. Heaven : Yes
093. Santa Claus : What? Do you think I'm a kid?
094. Sex on the first date : Hmm... sounds interesting. Haha!
095. Kissing on the first date : This is a tough one...
o96. Angels : Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY (So, I've been lying all along?)
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now : Yes.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life :Yes
099. Do you believe in God : Yes
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people : This is not a question.

TAGGED by Bev and it ends here. Haha!

In Rememberance

2009-04-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I did something which I'd not done for a long time - go to church. Over the years, I've somehow lost the desire to go to church and I really don't know why. I do believe. I just can't practise the habit of going to church every Sunday morning.

As I remember Jesus' sacrifice on Good Friday, I can't help but remember my beloved grandparents who were also Christians. Grandma especially, was a faithful believer and I used to admire her habit of going to church every Sunday morning; even when she was very old.

I go back to my dad's hometown every year for Ching Ming and re-unite with my relatives but this year was special. Somehow, my family managed to convince my dad to follow us back to Tanjung Malim. He doesn't like to travel long distances because of his illness and he's not been back to his hometown for 5 years. So, it's especially meaningful that he went back this year.

Borrowing from my student, Jia Yin's trademark phrase on her blog, "Let the photos do the talking."

I drove my family back to my dad's hometown late Saturday morning as we wanted to avoid the crowd. This is the grand overhead bridge at Sabak Bernam, just before turning into Tanjung Malim.

One thing I love about going back to Tanjung Malim is the grand view of mountains and beautiful cloud-filled sky. It gives me that authentic 'kampung' feeling and the breath of fresh air, away from polluted city air.

My grandparents' not so 'kampung' house. It's actually a nice old-fashioned semi-d house with a huge open balcony on the upper floor. We used to shoot 'rockets' into the sky from the balcony during Chinese New Year.

Standing in the garden of my grandparents' house. These were planted by my grandma many years ago.

The neighbourhood playground which my cousins and I used to play at, all those years ago... it looks so empty and quiet now without us.

At the cemetery, preparing to clean and decorate grandpa and grandma's graves with sunflowers and daisies.

My grandparents' graves are among the handful of Christian graves in the cemetery.

Helping to cut the flower stems to make them shorter so the flowers will fit nicely into the vases.

A stalk of daisies on grandpa's grave, laid with our memories and thanksgiving prayers.

After a sun-soaked afternoon at the cemetery, my uncle took us to this new restaurant which serves pretty good dishes. Here you can see, (clockwise from the top) sweet and sour wine vinegar pork ribs, pork with yam and 'kangkung belacan'. The tom yam steamed fish and steamed tofu arrived later.

After lunch, we rested at our grandparents' house. By evening, my uncle and I drove my cousins and siblings to nearby Proton City to visit the beautiful man-made lake.

The Ho cousins 'bai leng-ing' on the bridge over the man-made lake at Proton City.

On our way back to town from the lake, we passed by the famous Yik Mun pau restaurant. The pau here became famous many years ago (some said even the sultan used to buy pau from here). However, that was many, many years ago. Today, Yik Mun paus are no longer as good as they were before. Since they stopped hand-making them and used machines, the pau quality has dropped. Strangely enough, Malays still love to eat the pau here as they are halal, although they are made by a Chinese!

Once we reached the old town, my cousins and I headed for the night market. I haven't visited the 'pasar malam' in Tanjung Malim for many, many years and was surprised to see the modernisation of the stalls. Just check out the pizza oven here operated by a Malay pizza stall!

Check out the modern kebab-grilling machine. Canggih betul sial! The Malay pizza stall I mentioned earlier is behind me, complete with the Italian national colours on their menu.

I found this hilarious! 'KENAPA TAK PERCAYA'! I bought 5 pieces of my favourite crispy 'apam balik' and told the Malay girl, "Saya percaya." Then she laughed! Haha!

My brother noticed this strange phenomenon and pointed it out to me. It seems the people in Tanjung Malim like to throw rubbish just like every other Malaysian but amazingly, they like to arrange the rubbish neatly by the roadside! We should learn from them! Wakakaka!

I couldn't help buying my favourite fruit - mangoes! Here, they were selling them for only RM 5 for 2 kg. That's cheap man!

My cousins and I made one last stop at the 'pisang goreng' stall before going home. You can see how happy we were with all the food we bought. I hope it's this fun every time I go back to Tanjung Malim.

(All photos courtesy of Timothy)

A Fool In April

2009-04-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day where I would have to face those four empty chairs in front of my Form 5 class... and as I found out a few days ago, yet another chair would remain empty in the corner.

I've had enough with the 'down' days. It's time to go 'up' in spirits and what better way to do it than celebrate April Fool's Day! Being an adult who's last school prank came more than 10 years ago, it's safe to say, I'm a little rusty when it comes to spotting pranks coming my way. Who'd have known I'd fall prey just 10 minutes into April Fool's Day? (Shaun Lee! I'll get you one day!) :p Then, the first call I got in the morning at 10 was another shocker! (Ng Jon Theng! I'll get you one day!) :p

I tried my best to avoid being fooled but got fooled anyway; and quite easily too. The worst was when I got fooled in class and it came so unexpectedly (Bruce Lee! I'll get you one day!) :p The mood in class after that was quite funny 'cause I kept being on guard against any question or comment my students would make. It was a very 'dangerous' day in class! Nevertheless, it was great fun indeed.

Later that night, after my last class ended, I decided to fool two of my closest 'heng tai'. Unfortunately, one took the joke mildly while the other didn't take the joke too well. Maybe I caught them at a busy time or they were tired after a long day at work but it's sad that adults seem to lose their sense of humour as they grow older. Call it stress or whatever but I think a healthy dose of humour goes a long way in making sure you don't grow into a grumpy old person.

Feeling dissatisfied, I decided to trick some of my older students whom I didn't teach today. I wasn't sure if my pranks would prove successful at first but one by one, they fell for my pranks. It was such a fun and satisfying moment as I called them up and texted them. Hearing and reading their responses of "Teacher! You ah..." and "Wahlao A teacher..." simply cracked me up! My victims were quickly adding up. Muahahaha! Some were totally cool however (Chang Mein Yie, you are good!) ;) Sure I got fooled by some of them in return (Khoo Kiat Yap! I'll get you one day!) :p but most importantly, none of them were angry with me. Even one of my students, whom I truly apologise to for waking her up, didn't show her temper. It made me think again of the difference between teenagers and adults...

Does growing old really have to mean we become serious and lose our sense of humour? Has stress at the workplace and monetary burdens robbed us of our ability to laugh? What happened on the way to adulthood that made us such boring creatures? I shudder to think that I'm an adult myself but I guess it's my good fortune and great blessing that I'm surrounded by teenagers who truly know how to be happy.

Meanwhile, I'd better brace myself for some in-coming rockets from my students tomorrow. Hmmm... maybe I'll just cancel class.

Weekend With Friends

2009-03-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

After going through a difficult few days, I needed to go out for some fresh air (well, not that our air is fantastically clean!) and I had the good opportunity to meet up with some of my friends. It was a simple 'yum cha' session at Station 1 to celebrate my ex-student's belated birthday. I texted the whole class (all 15 of them) but only three could make it. While I'm sad that things will never be the way it used to be, when we could all meet every Tuesday in class, I accept that life must go on. So, I give thanks for those who can make it. We had a really good time. Just four guys chatting, teasing and joking over drinks - we were no longer a teacher and three students; we were simply four good friends.

The next night, I was out singing with another group of ex-students at Green Box. We met up to bid farewell to some who are about to begin their college life. Again, only three of them could make it and again, I accepted the situation. We had fun doing silly things in our karaoke room and we sure ate and drank a lot! We were so reluctant to say 'goodbye' so soon, we went for another round of drinks at a nearby 'kopitiam' after our singing session. We were just four friends enjoying each other's company.

The best part of my weekend was that my best friend had returned from Singapore. We had a good lunch and I was able to share my recent troubles with her. We didn't dwell too long on that though and just focused on enjoying our time together. I even accompanied her to her pedicure! I've never been to one before and I thoroughly enjoyed myself (even though I wasn't the one getting the pedicure).

I capped my happy weekend getting my car window fixed, as I chatted with my ex-student over lunch and made a rare visit to IKEA later in the evening to shop for my bookshelf. It was fun even though I went alone. Then, to really get my mood back on track, I received a surprising note from my student on Facebook which gave me the assurance I truly needed. Thanks Aly :)

Well, time for bed. Tomorrow is a new day and the start of another fun-filled week of teaching!

Me, Myself and I

2009-03-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

I drove to class today with the usual feeling in my heart as always - happy and excited to see my students. Strangely, I was in the mood to listen to some sad love songs by Jay Chou and so I played them in the car and sang along as I usually did.

It seemed like a typical day in class. I waited as usual for some of my students as they had to rush from extra class in school but strangely, even after waiting for about 10 minutes, many of them had not turned up. Soon enough, they showed up one by one. However, my mind was still fixed on the empty chairs lying in front.

I concluded that they were probably either too busy or too tired and so, with a heavy heart, I started the day's lesson. I tried to make a difficult and boring story as easy and as interesting as possible but somehow, my usual charm escaped me. There was something in the air today... something uncomfortable and depressing. Even one of my students sensed that I was somehow affected by this strange sense of gloom and texted me in the midst of the lesson. I really didn't know how to answer her but I tried my best, which on this day, seemed especially hard to do.

Towards the end of the lesson, I shared my opinions on our orphanage trip last Saturday and after sharing some funny incidents from my experience in dealing with kids, the mood of the class improved somewhat. I spoke with my student outside class regarding the strange mood in today's class and she had no clue either. I tried not to think too much of it and headed to McDonald's for a quick break before my next class. It was there that I sent a few messages to those who were absent today, informing them of what happened in class today and telling them that we missed them.

What happened after that completely changed my entire day. I was brought down to Earth with a heavy 'thump', feeling like every bone in my body had broken and my heart... lying around in pieces. I guess it's at times like this when being single really sucks. I had no other half to turn to, I could not seek the listening ear of my best friend who was far away and even my closest ex-students were too busy with their own lives to offer any form of comfort. I don't blame any of them. There is no one to blame for this. I accept it as part of life... something everyone goes through and something I just have to go through as well.

I drove the longest drive back to Klang today... and tried to control myself from crying in the car. I had to teach another class soon and could not let my emotions ruin the joy of that class. Sometimes, I just have to push everything aside, be professional and put on that smile.

After successfully navigating through my emotions to complete another fun lesson, I called up one of my students. This student means a lot to me as he has been with me since the first class and has shown great enthusiasm and support for my lessons. We chatted for a while and he helped me to understand the situation better. As we reached the end of our conversation, I realised that this was the end. Very reluctantly, I said "take care".

I tried calling another two students after that but I couldn't get through. After a few more times, I decided to let it be. Nothing could cheer me up - not even the thought of having my favourite meal at my favourite place. And so, I ordered something from the menu which I'd never tried before... not knowing what to expect... as I gazed into the wide open sky... just me, myself and I.

Misery

2009-03-04T08:43:00.000-08:00

"They say misery loves company,
we could start a company and make misery..."

So goes the opening lyrics to one of my favourite songs from my teenage-angst years. I still listen to it once in a while... when I'm in one of my frustrated moods... as I am right now.

Most of you would know that I've moved to a new place recently. Some of you may know that it's not a step up but a step down in terms of home ownership as far as my family is concerned. However, I doubt any of you know that it's been a frustrating 2 weeks of non-stop moving as there are still things left in our old house.

Space has been a major headache for me. My room is incredibly small if compared to my previous room and I'm having trouble fitting things neatly. Those of you who know me, know what an organised person I am. I'm also a clean freak and any bit of mess will drive me up the wall.

Sigh... I have no choice but to accept this situation for the next 2 years... maybe even 4 years. The only good thing is I can now reach Kota Kemuning faster and that's the one thing that's keeping me happy.

Thank God I have such wonderful students. Seeing their faces is enough to chase my blues away. Again... what would I do without them?

Face To Face

2009-02-28T08:13:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning at 7 to complete the last of my replacement classes for CNY. I have to say, it's very rare for me to be up this early on ANY day of the week, let alone a Saturday. However, I was in good spirits as I was going to do group projects with my Form 1 and Form 2 students. I look forward to lessons when I can implement group projects as there are so many real-life lessons I can share with my students. However, I was disappointed with the attitude of some of my students who didn't show much interest in doing the task I assigned them. I won't blame them as they are still young but then again, I've had much younger students who came up with fantastic ideas when doing their tasks. So, maybe I have a good reason to feel disappointed.

Today, I was also going to share some real-life lessons with my Form 5 students through a movie. As much as I enjoy teaching, there are just some things which I can't show my students with a whiteboard and marker pens. As I'm a movie buff myself, I get really excited whenever I have 'Movie Lessons' with my students. I even had the tables pushed aside and the chairs arranged neatly in cinema-style seating to create the ambience. Believe me, I'd even print tickets and collect them at the door if I could afford to! But since I couldn't do that, I did the next best thing - provide popcorn and snacks!

I assume most of my students enjoyed the movie, judging from their laughter and concentration. Most importantly, I hope they went home thinking of the theme and message of the movie.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After rushing to re-arrange the tables and chairs for the next class, I made a dash for KLCC for my facial treatment. Yup! That's right! I was going for my first ever Aster Spring Men's Active Facial Treatment and what more, for FREE! Ah... the good things in life... and even better when they're free. Needless to say, it was a refreshing and relaxing experience at the hands of professionals. The experience was so comfortable I nearly fell asleep in the treatment room. Anyone who knows my terrible habit of deep-sleeping will know that's a dangerous thing to happen in a public place!

After my treatment, I picked up my former student from Pavillion. She had gone to KL to attend a course and since I was on the way back, I offered to give her a lift. It was a chance I wasn't going to pass especially since we don't see each other that often anymore. We had a great time chatting about anything and everything and once I sent her home, I was off to meet with another one of my former students.

This particular student has always been a good listener whenever I needed it and I have been feeling quite miserable at times because we've not had the chance to meet for a long time. It's a strange feeling when you see someone every week for the past few years and then suddenly, you don't see them for a long time. It's something I dread every year and something I expect to happen with all my former students. But it's something I have to accept in life.

We had a great time catching up over 'char kuey teow'. It's not the most expensive meal out there but it's still a delicious meal nevertheless. I sent her home before 9 and then headed to Sushi King as I was still feeling hungry. Once I had my 'takoyaki' and 'tempura' fix, I headed over to my regular Starbucks so I could write this.

It's 5 minutes past 1am now and it's been a tiring day; but it's also been a very happy and fulfilling one and I just can't seem to wipe this smile off my face.

Lost And Found

2009-02-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

She came into my life, there were sparks and then she left. That was 9 years ago. No word of contact ever since... until that fateful Wednesday night...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For days, I was wondering what I'd do on Valentine's Day. I've been single for more than 2 years now and I do miss the experience of that special feeling. If you include my difficult one-and-a-half-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend, I guess you could say I haven't felt loved by someone special for a very long time.

I seriously think God has a sense of humour. Who would've known that he'd send the very angel who I thought I'd lost 9 years ago? Someone who even had trouble remembering who I was. So, I finally got to spend my first Valentine's after more than 2 years; and what a sweet day it was. A day of Strawberry Pavlovas and Chocolate Mousse, scented with memories of years gone past. I savoured every moment of being close with someone who was once special to me and who's still special to me now. Though we're just friends, it's more than enough to make me smile for days.

It's hard to describe what went on in my mind as I gazed into those beautiful eyes, so long after I'd last seen the sparkle in them. I was amazed at how tenderly they still sparkle; amazed even more at the old feelings that somehow found their way back into my heart. Like finding a key I thought I'd never find again, and then finding it at my doorstep, I did what I'd always wanted to do - open the door into my almost forgotten past and re-live those wonderful moments of my youth. And it wasn't just my past... it was OUR past... it was OUR youth.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm writing this now from the corner of a cafe. It's nearly 1am and she's no longer by my side. She's somewhere between my heart and a foreign land... flying further and further away with every word I write, with every breath I sigh...

We're sad to say 'goodbye' a second time after only having just found each other but there are no tears. Even though we may not have the chance of love between us but we're happy. Afterall, we both found a friend who once was lost...

Something So Surreal

2009-02-11T10:48:00.001-08:00

It's funny how life seems to play tricks with us. I've experienced happy days, sad days but hardly ever surreal days; and not one as surreal as this. Of all the years, months, weeks and days... somehow, God decided to make 'that' day, today.

It's ironic how today's topic in class was 'Love'. Afterall, Valentine's Day is approaching soon and I figured this would be a good opportunity to get my students talking about a topic which all of them will face sooner or later (or already are facing) in life. It's a topic which never fails to escape us, even if we don't want to face it. Unless you decide to be a monk or a nun and choose never to marry, you would have to face the question of love. Yes, it's a question (a BIG one!) and no one seems to know the answer to it. What is love?

So, after much discussion, which I hope helped my students to grow in their thoughts, I packed up and drove back to Klang for my next class. As I was driving, a text from my friend reminded me of what I was to face tonight - an old love.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

It was the strangest thing... we met, fell in love, had some of the best weeks of our young life and then, she was gone. She was out of my life... no telephone number, no address, no e-mail... only her name and memories of what we once had.

Well, in a strange twist of fate which God must have surely planned way, way in advance, we finally met again tonight... She was seated at the table with our friends and I walked up to her from behind. She was talking and laughing, unaware of my presence. I gave her a little poke and she turned and looked at me in a strange, curious way. Her face grew an expression which read 'Who are you?'

Then, after a few moments' pause, she broke into a familiar smile and burst out in surprise...

"Caleb!"

We hugged and I knew then, that this was the day when I found my friend again... after 9 years...

The Best Chinese Moo Year Ever!

2009-02-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

Eversince I returned from US, I've come to love Chinese New Year. I used to be very anti-CNY. Maybe 'cause I was brought up with an English-educated mentality or maybe I just never understood the beauty and richness of Chinese culture. How foolish was I then!

Well, the 2 years in America totally changed my mindset. I missed home so much when Chinese New Year was around the corner. I missed seeing the colour red plastered everywhere, I missed seeing mandarin orange boxes stacked high, I missed the smell of 'bak gua' being grilled by the roadside, and most of all, I missed the 'ang pau's! In fact, I had to even go for class during Chinese New Year! Thus, I was indeed grateful that my university had a large Chinese community and we certainly celebrated in some style with nearly 600 Chinese from all over the world converging at our university hall.

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It's been years since I returned home and each passing year, I look forward to Chinese New Year. I've also slowly added to my growing collection of 'samfu' - a tradition which started when I bought my first from Chinatown in San Francisco. I also make it a point to return to my dad's hometown on the eve, even though my grandparents are no longer with us. This year, I didn't return to my dad's hometown for the reunion dinner. Rather, I had it at home with my family. My dad is unable to return due to his illness and I felt that I should be with him at this time of the year.

My first days were filled with family reunions and visits to my 'heng tai's' homes before my brother and I returned to my dad's hometown on the 3rd day of Niu Year. I had a great time playing 'chor dai tee' with my cousins. This has become something of a tradition among the Ho cousins in recent years and it's just for fun. None of us are really the gambling type.

After a full week of rest and food, food and more food, it was time to get back to work. However, the fun still continued to the following week with more reunions and visitations. That's the beauty of Chinese New Year - the fun lasts 15 days!

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Well, as I'm writing this, it's the start of the last day of Niu Year. I won't get to enjoy it as I'll be moving house (something which I absolutely hate). So, I'm thankful and absolutely thrilled that I got to go for a party at the tuition center in Kota Kemuning. My boss and his wife, Mr and Mrs Lee have really done a wonderful thing with this party - a full buffet spread of Malaysian goodies to fill the tummy and exciting games to fill the heart with laughter. What's more, there's even lots of 'ang pau' to be given away. My utmost thanks to them both for having such generous hearts.

Of course, this party would not be a success without the fantastic organisation and teamwork of the committee members. I only know some of the students in the committee so to be fair, I'm not going to list any names here. You know who you are. Once again, thanks for putting so much time and effort into the party. PTAG's Chinese New Year Party 2009 rocks because of you!

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A precious few words to my 2 wonderful girls who surprised me by walking with me arm-in-arm from my car to the doorstep at the party, "I totally didn't expect that. You girls really made my day!" I'm such a lucky guy! Haha!

As today is Chap Goh Mei, which is Chinese Valentine's Day, let me end my post today by dedicating this to the both of you.

To the ONE who is full of Heart.

To the ONE who is simply Sweet.

The Fourth Day of Birthday New Year

2009-01-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

Well, there's no such thing as a 'Birthday New Year' but this year's birthday celebration has felt exactly like Chinese New Year. Funny that my birthday's right before this year's festivities begin, which was also the cause of my grumbling before this week.

Every year, I check the calendar for when Chinese New Year begins and the day my birthday falls on. Whenever my birthday clashes with the New Year dates, I get upset 'cause I know I won't get to celebrate it as all my friends would either be 'balik-ing kampung' or have already 'balik-ed kampung' (don't think anyone would 'ter'-balik kampung' but that's another story!).

So, I was feeling a little less enthusiastic about celebrating it this year but what a celebration it's turned out to be! Starting with Wednesday's surprise party in class and lasting up 'til tonight's clubbing celebration with my Heng Tai and Chi Mui. In a way, it's felt like celebrating the Lunar New Year... with days and days of celebrations! How lucky am I! And how loved am I!

Just this day alone, I celebrated it 3 times with 3 different groups of friends. There was a free TGIF lunch courtesy of my Heng Tai, followed by a session of karaoke with my Class of 2007 Mega Yakin ex-students. This was something I really cherished as we haven't had the chance to meet up often. Everyone's busy with their own lives after graduating and today was the first time so many of us were together in almost a year. So, I'm thankful and truly happy.

(Even after having graduated for 2 years, we're still friends)

(A very creatively wrapped present from my student. Guess what was inside?)

(I would never have guessed this was wrapped up inside. Love it!)

Immediately after that, my best friend picked me up from my house. She'd come back with her husband just this afternoon from Singapore and her presence tonight made a big difference to me. Eversince we became best friends, she's never been around for the whole year, having lived overseas until now. So, to have her celebrate my birthday with me was just awesome. I even got a present!
(Love the new shirt I got from my best friend!)

We reached the newly renovated Zouk a little before midnight and once inside, I immediately loved it. Mambo Jambo used to be a feature only on Wednesdays but now with Zouk, Velvet and Phuture housed under one roof, it's become a feature on Saturdays as well. As much as I love modern-day music, there's just something about the 70's and 80's that gets me grooving on the dance-floor. It's what I like to call 'Happy Music'. Oh, there was also an interesting incident that happened at Velvet tonight but I'm saving this story for my students in class.

To everyone who made my birthday this year such a great experience, thanks once again. It's been one of the best I've had!

Today's Special Thanks goes to:

Srimen
=====
Candy
Nian Sin
Melody
Seah Ni
Wei Jun
Poh Li
Teong Aik
=====
Joyce
Jason
Shan
Teej
Chin Seong
Ban Cheong
Pei Ling
=====
... and here's one special thanks to 'Girl-Who-Dances-In-Black-Cheongsam'. You gave me that simple joy which I'd been looking for but haven't been able to find for so long. My dancing shoes burned the dancefloor tonight thanks to you. Thanks for ending my wait and making my birthday such an enjoyable and memorable one.

A Day of Surprises

2009-01-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

Having just experienced a wonderful surprise yesterday, I was showered with not one, not two but three today.

As I arrived for class today, I found the room dark and the door locked. Now, this wasn't a surprising thing 'cause the form 3 kids were always a little mischievous. I really didn't expect anything but the moment I stepped in, they all burst into a birthday song. With a single candle in the middle of a plain chocolate cake, it was simple and sweet. Then, when I thought that was it, somewhere in the middle of class, the lights went out again and another candle-lit cake made its way into the class. I couldn't believe it. I practically made the same wish twice today so I guess I'll get two of what I wished for!

There was even a present for me. I was curious what my students had gotten for me and when I went home after a long day and opened it, I couldn't help but burst out in laughter! What I discovered put such a smile on my face. Proof that I really am like a kid to them!

Thank you so much PTAG F3 Class of 2009.

My hugs and love to:

Joanne

Samantha

Joe Lin

Jing Wuen

Pong

Chang Yih

Eugene

Zheng Zhe

Xiao Bing

Yik Sheng

Heng Jun

Jack

Hui Ping

Zi Hao

Chris

See Yen

Guess what was inside?

. . . . .

Ta da! Hahaha!

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After my last class today at Mega Yakin, I went to fetch two of my students to Station 1, where we would meet up with a few others. I only learnt minutes before the gathering that there were more than just the two or three who I knew were going. I thought it was just another 'yum cha' session with my ex-Form 5 students so I didn't really think anything of it. Afterall, some of these students were supposed to join me for my birthday celebration on Saturday.

Then, in the middle of our get-together, the lights went out. Again, I didn't think too much of it since lots of people celebrate their birthdays at Station 1. In fact, moments later, there was another birthday celebration a few tables away from us. But then, I saw my friends looking behind me and I knew then, they had organised this gathering for me.

The coffee birthday cake placed before me with 3 large candles and 1 small candle (signifying that I was 13 no doubt!) as I listened to them singing 'Happy Birthday', I was so touched once again. And sure enough, I closed my eyes and wished for the same thing for the third time today! But that wasn't all. A black Adidas bag was then passed to me and when I saw what was inside, my eyes popped! On Wednesday, my PTAG F5 students had surprised me by wearing my favourite colour and now, my ex-Mega Yakin F5 students had surprised me with my favourite team T! I was speechless to say the least.

We left the place around 12 and when I got back after sending some of them home, I couldn't wait to put on my new T. I'll leave you guys with a shot of it below.

To my ex-Mega Yakin Form 5 students who are now solely my friends, thank you for making tonight happen. You know how much you guys mean to me and just seeing you tonight is all the present I'll ever need and want.

My hugs and love to:

Stephanie

Beverly

Peng Yin

Hao Jie

Wei Keong

Kelvin

Nicholas

Kay Sern

Chay Ann

Washed Over With Rain

2009-01-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I last wrote. The reason for my long absence? Well, at times, it felt like I had nothing to write about. At other times, I had much to say but I couldn't find the right person to talk to. And so... I just kept quiet.

My life hasn't been the same since the end of last year. I'm reluctant to say it but the truth is... something is missing in my life. Whether it's the familiar faces I no longer see walking through the door or perhaps that 'Special Someone' who is still to be found, I'm not even sure myself. I've been single for quite some time and it feels like I could go on being single... maybe even forever. But I know my heart yearns for love yet I'm not desperate to look for it. I just let it come if it does and go on if it doesn't. My students keep wishing and hoping I'll find one soon. They're such sweet angels; they care so much for this old fart of an English teacher.

And speaking of 'old', I was taken by surprise by my students today. It seemed like an ordinary day (except for that strange request to wear blue today. Hmmm...) So, I was a little excited and curious about what my creative bunch of geniuses would come up with today.

It was not 'till the end of class when we were suddenly thrown into darkness and a dim light appeared from behind the door. In came my two angels and I realised then what today was all about. The sound of their voices filled the quiet air with wishes of 'Happy Birthday to you' as I steadied myself to remain cool. Inside my heart, it was raining. It was the rain of the sadness and loneliness I'd been feeling since late last year. Now, all those feelings were being washed away by a new cloud of rain. It was the rain of tears from a simple and carefree teacher, touched by a group of sweet angels. Someone, who on the outside was cool and smiling because he didn't want his students to see him cry... and smiling because he was truly happy.

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'I've been carrying this burden of sadness and loneliness for far too long', I kept thinking to myself as I drove home. As the heavy rain poured from the sky and battered the roof above me, I decided it was time to finally let go...

'Let the rain fall from the sky... but never, in my heart'.

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In my 6 years of teaching, I've celebrated my birthday with my students but I've never had students who celebrated my birthday with me. Thank you so much PTAG Class of 2009. You are the first and only group of students who have done this for me and I truly appreciate it. You are the colours of my happiness; you are the rain that washed away my sadness.

My hugs & love to:

Wei Le

Jia Min

Yan Wei

Connie

Tiffany

Xin Hui

Jing Tian

Jia Yin

Ken

Qao Shaun

Edwin

Natalie

Chee Hong

Wee Kiat

Jun Hao

As a teacher, I never ask for anything from my students except to pay attention, participate and enjoy learning. What you have done today is what a teacher can only dream of. Thank you for this sweet dream which has come true.

So This Is It

2008-12-31T11:54:00.003-08:00

And so it was... 2008 came and went. I went out to have a nice crab dinner with my heng tai and chi mui and then for some drinks at a pub. There was lots of laughter and fun and I was happy... but only on the outside. Inside, I was still carrying the burden of hurt, pain and regrets of the past year.

I guess I have to let everything go... the year is already past... but can I let it go? Can I let the old self go?

Inside... I'm curiously and reluctantly looking forward to 2009... and inside... something in me is still missing...

After all the celebration, are the glasses half-empty or half-full?

Who Is This Man I've Become?

2008-12-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

I've just returned from my Christmas holiday in Genting with my students and some of their friends. It was a fun-filled 3 days of playing games, swimming and lots of eating and more importantly, a time of discovery. As with every trip I go on, I always make it a point to learn something new which I can then share with my students. This trip however, will go down as one good lesson I learnt about myself.

Genting is known as the City of Entertainment but if you stray off the righteous path... it can turn out to be the City of Temptation. It's turned out to be the case for me so far. On two occasions where I was waiting by myself, I was approached by a man who would discreetly ask me, "yao chien hai shi xiao jie?". My first response is always, "No" but curiosity somehow gets the better of me and I find myself asking, "How much?". For a single guy who's way above the legal age, it would seem all right to "try" this experience (maybe just once?) Afterall, among most guys, this is just one of those things that a guy would do. The question I kept asking myself was, "Am I like most guys?".

As that question continued to play on my mind, I brought myself face to face with another temptation - the one that this mountain-top resort is famous for. Again, for most people, this is just one of those things that anyone above legal age would do. My beliefs strongly oppose this practice but events in my life have shaped and reshaped my views towards the many 'sins' in this world, turning some of them into 'probably acceptable'. Maybe my views are right, maybe they're wrong; or maybe they're neither. Afterall, most people would say it's nothing wrong. Again, the question played on my mind, "Am I like most people?"

After living through one-third of my life, I would think that I knew myself better...

Who is this man I see staring back at me?

Ho... Ho... Ho...liday!

2008-12-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

What a day it's been! First up was my Christmas Eve class - my first ever. In all my 5 years of teaching, I've never conducted a class on the eve of my favourite time of the year; not that I was complaining.

I decided to have the class do something meaningful on this special day. So, I let them assign themselves to different 'departments' to think up ideas for a charity fundraiser, to plan a day's activities at an orphanage and to stir up their creativie juices in creating posters and fliers. It was important to remember the gift of giving during Christmas and hopefully, we'll turn today's plan into reality next year.

After presenting their ideas to the class, the Domino's delivery man stepped right into our class with boxes of pizza stacked high. We wrapped up our discussion and laid out the 'yummies' on the table. I then played a slideshow of my Christmas memories with that new classic version of 'Christmas Don't Be Late' as we enjoyed our little pizza party.

After filling our tummies, we had what was the most meaningful part of the day. All of us sat around the table as we lined the presents along the grey surface. We each picked a tiny ball of paper with a number on it. Then, we took turns to take our present as we each said a few words of thanks. Some just said, "Thank you. Uhm... thank you. Thank you." Calling them 'shy' would be an understatement.

We then took photos as usual. I think this generation has something for taking lots of photos anytime and anywhere; something they call 'camwhoring' but I'm not complaining. Afterall, I'm just like them!

Look at all 'MY' presents! I wish - Haha!

Everyone's happy 'cause they had pizza. Poor souls - never seen pizza in their life. Haha!

My Christmas presents - for real! The chocolates and cane candy are from my students. Sweet!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After going home and being greeted by carollers, I took a shower to freshen up before going out again to fetch my students. The 4 of us were going for the Christmas countdown at Pyramid. Surprisingly, the roads were pretty much clear of traffic 'til we reached Sunway. Again, we were surprised to find parking in the carpark easier than we thought.

We headed down to meet our other friends on the walkway at the main entrance. It was packed like crazy and merry-makers were already chasing one another with spray cannisters, shooting away as noise and foam filled the night sky. It was like a war zone as we each armed ourselves with a minimum of 3 cans each. All night long, random groups attacked each other while I played bodyguard to some of my students. I tried my best to protect them but it was mission impossible as shots of foam showered upon us from every direction. It was messy but a lot of fun.

The next thing was figuring out when the cue for the countdown was going to come. A minute passed on my watch before we heard shouts of 10... 9... 8... from a distance and before we knew it, there were screams of 'Merry Christmas' all around.

The night continued 'til 12:30am before my students and I decided to head back home. I don't think we'll be together again this time of the year in 2009 but I'm not going to let that dampen my mood. We were happy together tonight and that's all that matters.

Check out the butts on those! They were totally clueless. Haha!

The guys - soaked from head to toe in all that soapy foam. Yummy!

The girls - an angel and a little 'devil'.

Reunion: Part 3

2008-12-19T10:02:00.000-08:00

Finally, it's done! Today, I got my 3rd group of students together for our reunion. The turnout, just as with previous groups, was not complete but we still managed to get half of the class together, so I was happy enough.

As usual, I picked up a few of my students on the way to our destination while the rest would drive themselves there. That made things a lot easier for me and we were all pretty much on time, although the ones who were there earlier teasingly complained for my being a few minutes late. Well, I only had to show them the number of our friends I was fetching to keep them quiet. Haha!

There was lots of catching up to do and everyone was in a cheerful mood as a chance to meet up was definitely better than what most of them had been doing lately - staring at the tv, the computer and the bed. It seems life has been really boring for most of them, especially those who're not working. So, there was a real sense of excitement and enjoyment as we chatted over dinner and drinks.

We spent most of our time playing 'chor dai tee' where I taught them how to play the 'Loser' version, since there were more than 4 of us. They clearly enjoyed this fresh take on the age-old card game. I can't remember seeing them laughing so much and having such a good time, it only made me ever more eager to organise future gatherings.

Considering the depressed state I was in from last week, tonight certainly capped a wonderful turnaround in my mood. I know my students often say they can't thank me enough but the truth is, I can't thank them enough too.

The guys doing our 'looking-at-the-stars' pose (or is it just 'looking-left'?)

The girls and I doing the classic 'hand-on-cheek' pose (except for the one on the right)

Reunion: Part 2

2008-12-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

After having to cancel and reorganise the class reunion for my second group of students, I could be forgiven for wanting to cancel it for the second time. I thought this group would be the easiest to get together as there were only 8. However, nothing is ever simple in getting a whole class together in one spot; not when they don't need to come to my class anymore and a host of incidents turn into obstacles for just a one-day meeting.

So, it was just the lonely 2 students who joined me on our way to our karaoke session, where one more would join us much later. I was close to feeling depressed as the heavy rain stormed down upon us as I drove to Klang, growing fiercer all the time. It was as if the heavens were challenging my determination to see this reunion through.

In our K-room, I had a good 4 rounds of buffet dishes before we started warming up the mics. Then, as the night grew on, we found ourselves naturally having a good time. After our merry time of singing ended at 11pm, I drove us back to Kota Kemuning where we would meet with another one of our friends who couldn't make it due to work. All the way, it was non-stop singing in the car; as if our karaoke session never ended. Soon, the party became 5 as we paid a visit to another member of our group. She was the unfortunate victim of a daylight robbery incident the day before; one which robbed her of the chance to reunite with the group today. As soon as we sat down in her living room, things really started to pick up with crazy and funny antics forcing us to keep our voices down. A late night stop-over at McDonald's duly followed.

Sitting with them on those bright orange benches, chatting, joking and laughing over 4 large fries, it was like the good old days. It was a precious moment for us to savour, especially as some of them will be going away for National Service duty soon. By 1am we'd left our empty trays behind at McD's as I proceeded to send them home. As I said "good night" to the last one, a message popped up on my cell. It was from a student who I'd just sent home earlier,

"Thx a lot 4 2day ya.. ahmad! haha.. rly hv fun 2day.. when is d nx time huh? haha.. keep in touch la.. tk care"

I may have been a few dollars poorer after tonight but with gratitude like that, I feel like the richest guy on Earth!

A Day of Elegance

2008-12-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

It was the perfect cure to my recent blues - a day out with my students!

I'd promised my graduated class of '08 that I'd take them out for the orchestra after SPM. Well, I fulfilled it on Sunday. It's been hard to get everyone together these days. Everyone's got their own plans and obstacles, so to get almost half the class together must be good. Of course I'm disappointed the rest couldn't make it but I'd rather focus on the positive things in life.

Getting there wasn't easy. There was heavy traffic and heavy rain. Even the KLCC car park was closed as it was full. Consider it being a Sunday, the sales, Christmas shopping and the last day of PC Fair and you'll understand why.

We managed to park our cars across KLCC Park and made it just in time for the concert. There was an adrenaline rush as we stepped into the beautifully illuminated orchestral hall. I guess it's usually the case when you're anticipating something new. The musicians looked elegant in their black suits and gowns and as the conductor appeared to enthusiastic applause, I sank stiffly into my chair. It was an absorbing experience and it made me recall the last and only time I was there, back when I was still in Taylor's. It was so long ago that I can't remember when I had to sit so still and so quietly for so long. My students clearly found it difficult to conform to such a disciplined environment. They're so used to fidgeting and making noise in class I guess you could say the adjustment was almost torturous for them!

Hearing their opinions after the 2 hour concert, it clearly showed they'd experienced something different from their usual outings. I hope this experience will encourage them to open their senses to new discoveries. Life's boring if it becomes routine. We should always give ourselves a chance to explore new things (well, as long as it's beneficial and legal!).

We ended a long day having pasta and some expensive window shopping at Pavilion; not to mention, meeting my 'Angel'! By the time I sent everyone in my car home, it was close to 10pm. Once I reached home, I sat in the darkness in my car. Feeling tired and sleepy, I could still hear the music lingering in my ears. I smiled a contented smile. I guess no matter what I face in life, I'll be all right as long as I have my students by my side.

The smart gentlemen in formal attire.

The lovely ladies in elegant evening wear.

Feeling Loveless In A Week Of Love

2008-12-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

The past week has been something of a blue week for me. I happened to catch an update on my ex-girlfriend's profile and clicked on it to find out more. What I saw pierced right through my heart.

As I looked through her engagement photos, something swelled up inside me. Suddenly, feelings that I thought were buried and long forgotten started reappearing. I never thought I'd feel pain like this again but I did and it hurt.

Our relationship back then should never have started. Not because she was not the right one for me. Rather, I was just wrong for her (or anyone for that matter). Having just returned from a difficult experience in the States, I was upset, angry and bitter. I just wasn't myself. Trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to be near me then. Unfortunately for her, since she was the closest person to me at that time, she clearly saw the ugly side of me and suffered. Even though it was so long ago, our friendship of 8 years has been permanently damaged, destroyed and beyond repair; all because of a relationship of 9 months. It's for this reason that I'll never forgive myself.

While trying to get over this terrible feeling, I had to emcee a wedding and attend another back to back. Needless to say, I couldn't help thinking about my own past love life in an environment where it's all about love. I also had the opportunity to meet with a former student during the week. Again, it was about love as we talked about her relationship with her boyfriend. I gave her my opinions, sharing from my own experience. As a friend, I try my best to advise my students in hope that they don't repeat the mistakes I made. I think it's the least I can do. Then, just a moment ago, another one of my students texted me, asking how he could go about wooing a girl. I smiled and replied it would be very difficult to advise him through the phone. We arranged to meet one of these days to talk about it. I'm always glad when my students seek me for advise other than studies. Afterall, life is so much more than just getting 'A's.

As I prepare to retreat to bed at this late hour, I can only look back at a week that's been so much about love but which has left me loveless. Well, at least I love my students and I guess they love me too.

I lay my heart down... and let it be washed over by a sea of love...

Foot Balls!

2008-12-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

I started playing football regularly when I went to US. Funny huh? When I was in Malaysia, I didn't really play much although I was an avid fan. But when I got to America, a country where football is a sport in which you wear a full-head helmet and shoulder pads and charge your way through the field with the ball in your hand, I rediscovered the joys of playing the beautiful game.

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Ive continued playing futsal consistently back home ever since I returned. Come to think of it, it's been five years now since my high school friends and I started playing in that small futsal court in Teluk Pulai. These days, we play at the bigger and better turfed rubber grass courts in Pandamaran. Every Tuesday night, I would drive my heng tai and I to the court at 11pm and we would sweat it out and have a good laugh till 12.30am.

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Recently, I've played in goal 'cause I've not been going to the gym. I'm not going to say I'm getting old and not as fit as I used to be. I've just not been going to the gym (trying to console myself here). Anyway, since I'm a fast runner on the pitch, I love attacking down the right wing but I've played in different positions before - central defence, right back, left back, central midfield; and somehow or rather, I keep getting hit in the balls! Whether it's a clearence shot, a shot at goal or a chip, the ball somehow ends up smack in between my balls. Man, I tell you, you don't know what pain is until you've been hit in the balls, that's all I can say.

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Well, here's the funny thing - whenever I play in goal, I seem to get hit less often in the balls. In fact, I think it's happened only once or twice so far. Those of you guys who've played as a goal-keeper in futsal would know it's the most dangerous position to play in. Shots are flying everywhere, coming at you from right, left centre, top and bottom. I'm quite good in goal and so I manage to block most of the shots with my hands, legs, feet, chest and even my head. Well today, I topped all that. I blocked a goal-bound header with my balls! Enough said!

Well, this guy knows what it feels like! For some real Foot Balls action click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOBiw36ljIw

Tagged Again!

2008-12-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

I've never been tagged my whole life and now suddenly, I've got 2. Hmmm... let's see how this goes...

(Tagged by Bev)

1. What's your ambition?
To be Batman. But seriously, I just want to be the best teacher I can be.

2. Which is more important to you? : Friends/Boyfriend/Girlfriends
I've lived long enough to know that girlfriends will come and go but true friends will always be there. They are the one constant thing in my life.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Siau ah!

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Come on, ask me another question :p

5. How many babies do you want?
Am I allowed to have babies? Well, if the question is when and IF I get married, how many babies would I want my wife to have, I'd say 2.

6. What is your goal for this year?
To work out and get fitter. I've achieved half of that so far.

7. Do you believe in eternal love?
I have my doubts about finding my own eternal love but I still believe it's out there somewhere; if I'm lucky enough to find it!

8. Do you want to change your real name?
From Caleb to what? Carrot? No thanks, I like my name the way it is.

9. What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling I get when I know the person holding my hand loves me for who I am; just the way I am. I've only come close to that feeling just once in my life but it was too short and I hope I get to feel it again.

10. What are your bad habits?
Does laughing too loud count?

11. Is there anything you want to tell people who hate you?
I ain't into hatin', I'm into lovin'.

12. Do you cherish every friendship you have?
Only the ones that matter to me. I can't choose my family but I can choose my friends.

13. What does flying mean to you?
Ah Ma! Ah Pa! Get me down from here!

14. Who do you love?
My family, my friends and my students.

15. Who do you hate?
Cristiano Ronaldo!

16. Describe the person who tagged you in nine words.
Cheerful, mature and beautiful inside out (and sometimes 'sampat'!) xp

17. What would you really like to do now?
Go clubbing at Quattro!

18. What will you be in the next ten years?
OMG... old!

19. Coffee or Tea?
Uhhh... no hot chocolate? Ok, Jasmine green tea then.

20. What are you wishing for right now?
More money so I can spend it on my students. Think I'll go sell some of my toenails. Freshly cut toenails anybody?

I tag: Vi Vian

Reunion: Part 1

2008-12-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a good night. I finally had the chance to meet up with my graduated class again. Though only half the class managed to make it, it was good enough for me. Just seeing their faces again and being with them gave me such a lift! I was so excited about tonight, it was pretty much the only thing on my mind today.

We had a few drinks, played a few rounds of 'chor dai tee' and of course had a few silly laughs. While deep down I know things will never be the same again, at least I can hope that we'll continue to keep in touch and meet from time to time. In fact, we've already planned to meet again next week!

Being with them today, it really felt like we were a bunch of old friends. Slowly, I'm sensing that since I'm no longer their teacher, they're starting to treat me as a friend first and foremost, which is great!

As, I sent the last guy home, he turned round and said, "Thank you, Sir." I told him, "You don't have to call me that." but he said he'd gotten used to it. Well, I guess some things never change.

The "Losers" table.

The "Winners" table.

My First Tag! Woohoo!

2008-11-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, seriously, I don't know what this 'tag' thing is all about and when or how it started. I certainly never got 'tagged' during my school days. Anyway, I guess there's a first time for everything, so here goes...

I was tagged by:
Bev (having SPM but can still tag people) xp

I tag:
Steffi

1st: What's your name?
Caleb

2nd: How old are you?
Hahaha! More than 10,000 days old.

3rd: What are three electronic devices you can't live without?
Cellphone, computer & MP3 player

4th: Are you amazing?
Somebody thinks I am ;)

5th: What cellphone brand are you using?
Sony Ericsson

6th: What colour is your phone?
A clean glossy white. Cool man!

7th: Have you slept in school before?
I lost count.

8th: How long do you spend on the net each day?
About 4 hours on average.

9th: How would you describe yourself?
I'm patient, emo, optimistic, crazy & cool!

10th: What's your favourite topic to talk about?
Love

11th: Which teacher do you like?
Mr. Gerald, Ms. Juliana, Mrs. Parvinder, Ms. Bessie, Mr. Vijaya "The Great", the late Ms. Sujata, Mr. Corbet Hays & Dr. Tang. These are the teachers who've left a mark in my life. I'm the teacher I am today because of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

12th: Who do you think is the most handsome in your class?
What? You mean like in the classes I teach? Susah loh... I teach so many handsome dudes.

13th: Who are you currently aiming for?
Hebe. Haha! Kidding... No, seriously, Hebe.

14th: Do you know a lot of your sibling's secrets?
Uhm... not a lot... just some.

15th: How do you rate your sibling(s)?
On a scale of 1-10, my bro = 7, my sis = 9

16th: Is/Are your sibling(s) gorgeous?
Oh yeah! My bro has his fair share of female fans and my sis is a real sweetie (a bit crazy though!)

17th: Do you judge people?
I do... but I'm not sure if I'm always right.

18th: Do you run?
No, I crawl. What kind of question is this?

19th: Are you lazy to tag people?
This is my first time dude!

20th: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
My 'heng tai', Wong.

21st: What's 2 + 2 > 4?
The total number of letters (two + two = 6 letters, which is > four = 4 letters) Smart leh? ;)

22nd: Who's your idol?
Fernando Torres

23rd: Are you a monster?
No, I'm human.

24th: Do you play with Barbie Dolls?
No, but I used to play 'masak-masak'. Haha!

25th: What was the last movie you watched?
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa!

26th: What do you think about your English?
Can pass lah.

27th: What do you think about your Bahasa Malaysia?
Sudah koyak loh.

28th: Who do you hate?
Cristiano Ronaldo!

29th: Do you love yourself?
You gotta first love yourself before you can love others.

30th: Blurt out 5 random words
Ice-cream, Love, Memories, Missing, Someone

I Still Like To Move It Move It!

2008-11-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've enjoyed a night out at the movies. The last movie I watched was High School Musical 3 and before that, it was The Mummy 3. That's a record for me considering I used to visit the cinema at least once a month. My hottest streak was when I went to the cinema 3 days in a row - alone! Those were crazy days when I was a college kid.

Nowadays, I would do anything except go to the movies alone. I may have enjoyed it back when I was a teen but now, the mere thought of it would be depressing enough to make me cry. So, I was really glad that I got to watch Madagascar 2 with my former student. It wasn't even planned! I had just called her up since we hadn't met for a long time. I try my best to keep in touch with all my former students and I'm glad my simple invitation for 'yum cha' turned into a wonderful night of laughs at the movies. For those who haven't seen it yet, go watch it! It's a fun-filled wild ride that'll have you laughing your socks off!

I get a little sad when I think about going to the movies. Simply 'cause it's getting harder for me these days. It's so much easier when you have a girlfriend; trust me! Not that I don't have friends but my friends are usually either busy, too tired or with their girlfriends. Sure we still catch the occasional blockbuster together in a group but not as often as we used to. It's one of the reasons why I emphasize the importance of cherishing one's youth to my students. The best time of our lives are when we are in school. College and university have their fair share of best days as well but I still feel that life as a young teen really tops it all!

As we grow older, we tend to see things differently. We also tend to behave differently. It's all right if we mature naturally but if we fall into the trap of adhering to society's norms, then that's not being mature. That's just being plain boring. I've said this before in my previous blog - I don't know what it means to act my age. I just act the way I feel inside; and inside this supposedly old body is a guy who's still young at heart and who definitely still likes to move it move it!

Man, I love those penguins! Haha!

You Never Know

2008-11-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

It's been surprising to hear from some of my friends that they are loyal fans of my blog. Seriously, I didn't think many people read, much less follow my blog.

A blog is like a diary but while a diary will forever remain private to the writer alone, a blog is hardly private. In fact, there's zero privacy as any Ali, Ah Chong and Muthu can read your thoughts! That's the reason why I'm personal and sincere in my blog yet I don't reveal too many details. In a way, only those who know me personally or are one of those mentioned in the blog would know what it's about.

I used to be religious in writing diaries. I started in secondary school and only stopped writing once i started my college days. Even then, I had English teachers who encouraged me to write diaries in class as homework; something I've learnt to apply in my classes as well.

Some students have jokingly accused me of knowing everyone's secrets. My students are free to write on anything they wish, so it's untrue to say I'm forcing them to reveal their thoughts in any way. I feel honoured whenever my students share something with me. To me, it means that they must trust me to tell me these things. So, I'm very strict with their privacy. Afterall, trust is not something that can be asked for, it must be gained.

To me, my blog is my way of sharing my personal life with my students. While it often acts as an outlet for me to express my joys and sorrows, the reason of this blog's existence will always be because of my students. It's my way of saying, "thank you for sharing."

To all those who faithfully follow my blog, I really appreciate the time you take to do so. I'm really honoured. Thank you!

Hmm... now where should I hold my autograph-signing session?

Going Off-Key Is Cool!

2008-11-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

I was glad today came soon enough. After having to cancel our original outing last week, I couldn't wait for November to turn 17. I never like to have my students think that I only say I would take them out and then not do it. So today, I delivered my promise.

My students joked that people would think I was a dad bringing his 4 kids out shopping! I told them, if that were true, then people might also think I have 4 wives 'cause all my kids look so different!

We met up with another 1 of my students who was already there singing away with his cousins. After a while of waiting, our room was ready. Not long after entering, we were back outside looting the snacks counter, taking all 6 varieties with us and filling up our glasses while at it. Once we started our K-session, it was non-stop singing and laughter 'til they chased us out at 5:30. One moment which had us all in stitches was when one of my students went off-key in the funniest way you can imagine. He was a good sport and continued singing nevertheless.

We ended our outing with McD's sundae cones and I took them back to the centre to start our lesson for the day. It was group project day and most of them participated well. After having so much fun earlier, it was important to give them the right activity or else they might lose interest. The most important thing was that they had fun while learning. Then again, don't they always?

My student's masterpiece. Judging by this, he's well on his way to becoming an architect!

Reunion

2008-11-12T13:09:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since I last saw my students and I was nervous as much as excited to see them again today. Considering the circumstances I was meeting them again, it was perfectly understandable.

Today's reunion was not one where we sat at a cafe and laughed about the 'good ol days' . It was a brief, tense and rushed meeting at the school canteen minutes in between their SPM English papers. Most people were amazed I was even there at all; and that includes me. I've never done anything like this before. Then again, I've never met students like these before.

At 7:40 in the morning, I found myself waking up to a phone call from one of them asking for advice. Those who know me would go "What?". Quite simply, I'm impossible to wake up when I'm asleep. So, actually responding to my phone ringing early in the morning is quite an amazing feat! I was more than happy to pick up the phone and happier still knowing that I played my part for them.

By 9:45 I was at my student's school helping him go through his literature and barely 10 minutes later, off I dashed to a nearby school where the rest of my students were. Time was in such short supply and I had to quickly say my "Hi"s, go through the paper with them and just as quickly say my "Bye"s.

Barely an hour back home, I was on my way to their school again to find out how they answered the paper. It's a good thing I live so near to their school though I wish I could have been at my other students' schools as well. Then again, teleporting isn't one of my abilities.

Our second meeting lasted longer and was less tense in nature, which allowed me to speak to them one by one. I was so happy to see their smiling faces as most of them were confident they had done well. I can only pray their confidence is merited.

As I walked down the slope towards the school gate, I wonder how much I was really able to help them. I guess even if I didn't, at least my presence would have meant something to them; and that, is all the comfort I'll ever need.

Vrooommm!!!

2008-11-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

Ever been to a race event? Not talking about F1 or one of those illegal street races. I'm talking about one where you use your own car and punish it by slamming the accelerator pedal and speed, drift (or fail trying to) and skid around an obstacle-fitted carpark. Well, today was one such day.

It was something new to me and certainly to the person I was there to show my support for -my student! He was there on his own and rightly so, seeing that SPM is just 2 days away! Anyway, I just did what I could as a friend, even if I didn't really do much by standing there with an umbrella and a camera while my student flung his orange Kancil around the rain-soaked tarmac.

After 2 rounds, we went for a short walk past the many booths set-up by the side. There was a Yokohama tyre stall and obviously a few for the main sponsors Pennzoil. It was the sight of 2 sexy models which made me decide to hang around the booth a little longer. We stood there watching a bunch of kids play musical chairs until it ended (although the attraction certainly wasn't that!). Then, we were surprisingly called onto the tiny stage to take part in a game with another 8 people. We were split into pairs and told to place a can of Pennzoil oil between our heads and keep it there hands-free while doing the 'joget'! Needless to say, we failed miserably but it was good fun.

After taking photos and chatting with the models, we hung around waiting for the announcement of the results. My student didn't win but it was a good learning experience for him. I guess he was a bit downhearted but I'm sure he'll be back next year, stronger and wiser. As for me, I'll be back next year as well, dressed better and smelling nicer!

The consolation prize for my 'Do the Joget with Pennzoil' act

Time After Time

2008-11-04T13:29:00.000-08:00

Time after time, my nerves start to shake, my nights become sleepless and my mind can't seem to focus. Everytime I have to say "goodbye", I become a nervous wreck. So much so that my students have to tell me, "Don't be so kan cheong."

I spent the past few nights preparing for tonight's class... just as I prepared for my previous 2 classes. Every year as November nears, I find myself having so much to do and so little time to do them. I guess I can never do enough for my students. I always want to do so much more.

As it was with the previous 2 classes, I was late for tonight's graduation. Every year... somehow, this happens. No matter how much I prepare in advance, I never seem to have enough time on that day. I guess it's also because part of me is reluctant to go to class because I know exactly what it means - goodbye.

I'm a strange character. The nights before the final class arrives, I will get so emotional and cry in my room. However, when the day comes, I'm the coolest person around. I remember last year's graduation when a few of my students cried and yet I stood steady as a rock. I can't understand that part about me. Being the emotional person that I am, I should be crying the moment I step into class. I guess I have to somehow force myself to be strong in front of my students. As a teacher, I can never let them see me cry.

I stayed behind long after class was over at 10:30. I washed the cups and plates, wiped the tables, cleaned the floor, threw away the rubbish... and I was happy to do it all. By the time I was done, it was almost 11:30 but I still didn't want to go home. I stood in my class staring at all the empty tables and chairs, knowing that my students will never take their places there again. It seemed like the perfect moment to cry but I held it in. I hadn't had my dinner and was going to meet my student later. So, I walked out and closed up the center at 12:12am.

It was strange seeing my student so soon after saying "goodbye" and he did ask me how I felt when he came into the car. Of course I told him I was sad but other than that, I really didn't know what to say. We had our meal and talked about a lot of things but we didn't stay out long.

After dropping him off at his house, I turned up the music and sped away. Throughout the short journey home, I saw nothing in front of me. My mind was blank and I just stared into space. The moment I drove my car into the porch and stopped the engine, it started... the tears... slowly one by one... and then, without warning, in one big wave, it came bursting out. I remember the last time I cried like this... it was 2 years ago when my girlfriend left me. It's a feeling I don't want to remember but tonight I did. Tonight, I felt pain in my heart - pain I had not felt in a long, long time.

As the tears began to slow down, I reached for my phone in my pocket. I looked through my phone messages and read a text from my student. I smiled as a tear touched my lips - she wrote, "... dun b sad because it is over, b happy because it happened..."

I looked up into the millions of tiny tears shining in the silent sky and knew she was right. Our time together should be celebrated. Our time together should be cherished and we should be happy because we've created a friendship that will last... time after time...

After the darkness has turned to grey...

Graduation Days And Farewell Nights

2008-10-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of attending my students' Graduation Day in their school today. In a way, I could also say that I was going for my own. You see, my school never organised such extravagant and fun activities when we graduated. Nope, we just had our own little class party, which we had to organise ourselves and it was 'Bye bye' til we meet again for SPM. So, this was something which has been missing from my life for quite some time now. Well, not anymore!

The moment I walked past the gates, it felt like a homecoming. It was "Hey, how are you?" and "Wah, long time no see!" and "Wow, look at you! All grown up!" For some reason, I seem to have a million students and ex-students from this school. So much so that I looked more like a school teacher rather than an outsider (some even said I looked more like a student. Ha!).

The hall was three-quarters full with mostly fifth formers dressed in their respective custom made class t-shirts. (That's another thing I never had. Damn! I'm jealous!) Students representing their class took to the stage to give their final performance, ranging from hip-hop dances to group singing. I was happily sitting with my "classmates", enjoying the show while recording some of it on video. Some of the guys cheekily suggested that some girls were checking me out. Ha! (and that's the reason why I'm still single?)

The final performance signalled a flurry of flashes as students rushed to snap photos with their friends. I was lucky enough to be one of them. By 1pm, I had said all my 'goodbye's and left for lunch with two of my "classmates". A day to remember but I didn't have too much time to dwell on that.

Tonight would be my 2nd "Farewell" with another of my classes. Considering I just said "farewell" to one of my classes yesterday, the timing couldn't have been more emotionally draining. It's hard to say how I feel as I go through the course of preparing for my class graduations. On one hand, I feel excited preparing for them. On the other hand, I'm reluctant to complete the task.

Each class gives me a different feeling but they're all special in their own way. I don't like to say which class is better but the truth is, different students react differently to my teaching approach. Some like it, some don't. Still, it's most of them who enjoy my classes, so I let them go knowing I've done my best as a teacher; and as a friend. Tonight's group included some who are special to me as they have been with me for the past 5 years. Seeing them grow from boys to men is an unbelievable feeling. It's hard to beat that.

Of course, 5 years would mean nothing if our relationship was passive. It's the effort from both sides that makes the relationship grow. In light of this, yesterday's group of students deserve special mention as I have only been with them for 7 months but our relationship has sky-rocketed to the level of some of my oldest students. My only regret is that I can no longer spend as much time with them as I have all this while...

Dear Blog,
At times like this... when tears form in my eyes and only these 4 walls can see... I'm glad I have you...

The Silence After The Sound

2008-10-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

I had my last extra class with my students today. Next week will be our last. As they had not been going to school for the past few days, it was natural that they were happy to meet up and chatted away during the lesson. It got quite noisy and distracting at one point so I had to tell them to keep quiet... and not just once but a few times. Was I angry? No... somehow, I just can't bring myself to get angry with this class. In fact, I find it hard to get angry with all my older classes. I guess I love them too much to want to spoil the fun of learning. Besides, they know how to behave themselves (well, most of the time anyway).

My thoughts then flew to all the 'last classes' I would be teaching this week and next. Tomorrow, I will be saying my first 'goodbye' and I don't even know how to begin...

Back in the room, it was time to say 'goodbye' and as I said, "See you next week" to each of them, the sound followed them out the door, one by one. Soon... all was left was just my bag, myself and the silence. I paused a moment to look around the class... staring at the silence... I felt so reluctant to go out the door. 'At least, they'll be back again next week' I consoled myself.

By the time next week comes, I won't be able to say the same.

A Magician Who's Lost His Magic Touch?

2008-10-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

I couldn't wait to get my hands on Jay's latest album, Capricorn but wait, I had to. I've been busy marking essays and preparing the final lessons for my Form 5 classes these past few weeks. So, I was glad I finally had the time to visit my local cd seller and get a copy.

I inserted the cd into the player as soon as I got into the car and was immediately hooked onto the fast crunching sounds of 'Long Zhan Qi Shi'. It was a tune that was at once familiar yet new - a signature Jay Chou song.

Back in my room, I continued listening to the cd over and over again on my computer. It was a strange musical journey. Some songs, especially the ballads, were easy on the ear but some others were weird and incomprehensible. The track listing was such that a nice song and an odd-sounding one played alternately. So, it was a somewhat unsatisfying listen. Songs such as 'Mo Shu Xian Sheng' and 'Qiao Ke Shu Shu' were quite awful and didn't warrant a second listen. It wasn't until I ripped the cd onto my computer and put my favourite songs in order that the musical journey became satisfyting.

Some have complained that his musical style has hardly changed in recent years. To me, if you're comfortable doing something you like and it's still good, there's really no need to change anything. Of course, there's the view that you need to constantly challenge yourself to improve and move forward but then, there's also the widely held mantra of 'Don't fix what's not broken'. On this one, I'm with the latter.

Getting some feedback from fans and other music enthusiasts alike, it seems most agree that while still considered 'good', 'Capricorn' pales in comparison to 'On The Run' (and indeed many of his previous albums). However, I think it's still too early to judge Jay's ninth album. As my students and I neared the end of our casual discussion, it was clear that his songs seem to grow on you the more you listen to it. Still in my room with the songs repeating for the 29th time, I find myself swaying and singing along... maybe Jay's still got the magic touch afterall.

Recommended Tracks:
Long Zhan Qi Shi, Gei Wo Yi Shou Ge De Shi Jian, Hua Hai, Shi Guang Ji, Dao Xiang, Shuo Hao De Xing Fu Ne

She Stole My Sushi

2008-10-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of having some pasta for dinner yesterday when I caught sight of a long line outside Sushi King. So, being curious especially when it comes to food, I walked up to see what was going on. It just so happened to be the last day of the 'RM 2 Per Plate Sushi Promotion' and so, without hesitation, I got myself a seat in front of the sushi counter. The place was packed with unsurprisingly, Chinese customers. I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but most Japanese restaurants boast a high number of Chinese customers. Well, at least more compared to Malays and Indians. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

Anyway... so I sat there, gazing at the 'kaiten' to see what was being offered. I started off with 'unagi sushi' and continued with a different type each round. I was content to sit and wait as the plates of sushi made their way past me... that was until the new items were brought out to the sushi counter in front of me. Before I could even take a peek at what was being offered, I found my view blocked by a crowd of on-rushing people, squeezing their way past each other. While they did not push and shove, I found it annoying enough to spoil my mood.

Worse was to follow. As soon as the fresh sushi plates were put down on the 'kaiten', greedy hands sprung out from all around me, grabbing at the plates. I was helpless and disgusted in the midst of all this and really felt like telling them off.

I decided to wait for one last dish before pulling myself out of this mad house and it duly arrived. It was one of my favourites - 'ebi tempura sushi'. This time, the staff were smarter and placed the plates on hand-held trays so they could distribute them fairly to the other tables away from the 'kaiten'. I gave a wry smile as I waited for the arrival of my prized prawns but my joy turned to horror as the crowd swarmed towards the waitress and grabbed the sushi plates off her tray! This went on despite the waitress hopelessly saying,

"Tak boleh ambil ni!"

I nearly lost it when I stared at a Chinese office lady who was one of those idiots but she turned her head away and walked past me with the plate of sushi in her hand as if it was the most natural thing to do! Well, natural if you've not eaten for a week or you've never seen sushi in your whole life. B***h!

Thank goodness one of the waitresses recognised me as a regular at this chain and personally hand-delivered a plate of my prized prawns to me. After having a final sip of 'ocha', I got off my seat nonchalantly and went to the counter to pay. I said, "Arigato" and "Oyasumi" and walked out but not before I gave one last stare at the B***h. Ooh... I felt like slapping her then... but I shrugged it off in the end. Idiots aren't worth my time.

I left the place wondering if this sort of uncouth social behaviour was the trademark of Malaysians in general or just simply the Chinese. Maybe it's a cultural thing.

Music Makes My Heart Go "Mmm..."

2008-10-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

xie yi xou jian dan de ge, rang ni de xing cing kuai le...

Wang Lee-Hom couldn't have sung it better. How true it is that some people say, 'music is the food of the soul'. Just a simple song or a tune can overturn the most complicated and wretched feeling. I certainly believe in the power of music - it just happened to me today.

As I sat there singing my heart out into the microphone, I could feel the worries that had eaten into me, slowly being eaten away by the music. What was left of me after belting out one favourite after another was pure joy and ecstasy. A feeling of having the heaviest boulder lifted off my shoulders. Truly, the magic of music never fails to astound me.

Of course, it wasn't just the music alone but also the company; and what company it was! 3 cheerful and adorable girls accompanied me as I sang but I was not the star of course. That belonged to the birthday girl.

People who know me might gawk at the fact that I'm spending my Sunday evening singing karaoke with a trio of teenage girls when I'm already way past my teenhood. But the thing is, I feel every bit like a teen. When I say this, some might go,

"Please lah... you're already blah blah blah... can you start acting your age?"

And I never know how to reply to that because I'm acting exactly my age! Afterall, how do you act your age anyway? Is age based on the year printed on your I.C. or the year imprinted in your heart? Well, I certainly feel it's the latter and I couldn't be more honest about it than I already am! =)

Chains Around My Heart

2008-10-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a rather disheartening week. The latest results from my students' essays have not been good. Only a few have given me a glimmer of hope that they can score the elusive 'A'. While I had already expected their results to be average by Cambridge's standards, I surely didn't expect their essays to fare so poorly.

As I returned from a briefing on essay grading, my mind was burdened with countless thoughts and questions. Inside, my heart was being eaten away by worries that seemed unending. What have I done wrong? Did I use the correct approach? Have I failed as a teacher...?

I then went on a mad shopping spree, hoping to wash away the frustration and worry inside me, much like how the rain had washed the dirt off my car. I'm such a girl I know... but it's the only remedy I know.

When I returned to my class after that episode, the chains in my heart seemed to tighten further. Looking into my students' eyes, the chains weighed like rocks. It was so hard for me to break the bad news but I had to. Seeing their shocked and worried expressions pained me further but they encouraged me to go on. In their own way, they made me feel much better about myself.

By the end of the class, the chains around my heart had loosened and weighed nothing more than pebbles. This bunch of students - they're really something. What would I do without them? With less than a month before they leave, it's really time I start thinking about what I must do without them...

Goodbye For Now

2008-09-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

I said my first 'goodbye' to my Form 3 students tonight. There'll be 2 more coming up. Phew!

Every year, I have to gather up my courage and strength to do what I feel is one of the hardest things in life - saying 'goodbye' (the other being 'letting go'). While the latter would more aptly describe a parent's biggest worry, sometimes, being a teacher is also like being a parent. We teach, guide, nurture, discipline... listen... comfort... things that most caring parents would do for their children.

While I've yet to experience being a parent, I can imagine how much harder that would be. Afterall, parents have to find some way of letting go of their children, having looked after them for a quarter of their lives.

As teachers, we're not as privileged as most parents are, having only 5 years at most to 'look after' our students. Still, that's not to say the process of 'letting go' for teachers is any easier. For one such as myself... it's extremely hard.

So, as I faced my class of bright-eyed 15-year-olds tonight, I tried my best to console myself of the fact that we might see each other again next year. Though I can't expect all of them to return, the possibility of it still gives me hope... and I guess that's what made it a little easier for me this time. In previous years, I would have gone straight into my car and sobbed right after. Tonight, I managed to even smile to myself as I recalled the good times we've had... and as I drove off, something deep inside told me it would just be 'goodbye for now'.

_____________________________________________________

"I'm only your teacher as long as you're my student; I'm only your friend as long as you're mine."

Let Me Be Here Forever

2008-09-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been difficult for me... my situation has been awkward, uncomfortable and somewhat depressing to see... sometimes all at once they devour me....

It happens every time I step into my Form 5 classes... it happens when I see their smiling faces...
it happens when they leave me staring at empty spaces...

The next few weeks will be our last together... Tuesday and Friday nights will change forever... our classroom ties unwillingly I'll have to sever...

It's happened before, this dreaded time of year... which I cautiously approach with fear... Living day to day, silently fighting tears that appear...

But what can I do but accept this fate? This feeling of joy I find no way to replicate... a feeling that leaves me floating in a helpless state...

Let me lose this feeling, never... let me feel like this, rain or sunny weather... let me be here forever...

___________________________________________________

"Let the wind take me to our special place... let it carry me on its shoulders to the place where eternity will embrace... to the garden of laughter and music where I'll forever see your face..."

Birth Of A Nation

2008-09-16T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today is 16th September... the day our nation united under one name... 45 years ago. On this day, Sabah, Sarawak and Singapore joined Peninsula Malaya to form the Malaysian Federation and with exception to Singapore, we have remained thus eversince.

Let's not delve into the recent political turmoil plaguing our country. Rather, I prefer to focus on celebrating the fact that we have been largely at peace with one another, despite the strong undercurrents of resentment among certain quarters.

I wish this country will improve, develop and progress... not just in physical terms but more so in human terms. Afterall, it is the people who make this land a nation.

Two days ago, the Chinese community celebrated Mooncake Festival. I duly joined in of course and had dinner with my extended family. When the mooncakes were passed around, some of us were amused by the modern versions of our traditional mooncakes. From the humble red bean to the Toffee Chocolate Walnut Brownie melting in my mouth, it became clear to me that this was also how our nation has evolved. We are not just Malays, Chinese, Indians, Bengalis, Melanau, Kadazandusun, Ibani... we are Malaysians. We are a 'rojak' nation - just like this new twist to the traditional mooncake.

So, to everyone who calls herself or himself a 'true Anak Malaysia' - Happy Birthday! =)

Rainbow

2008-08-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

I had a tough time in class this morning. First, I was bombarded by my young students for being old and forgetful. They had every right. Last week, I promised to bring their project materials for their presentation this morning and this week, I somehow forgot. If there's one thing I hate, it's promising something and then not delivering upon that promise. I've been doing that more often than I like lately... perhaps age is really catching up with me? Perhaps I'm not as young as I'd like to think I am?

They then teased me, saying that I should be getting married at my age and asked why am I still single? (I just happen to have three weddings in a row lined up in the coming weeks) Bang! Second bullet straight into my heart. Not my favourite topic in recent weeks since I've been feeling that ugly loneliness starting to creep in again.

The day just got worse as I was further accused by my students of being somewhat "perverted". For those who have never been in my class, they might be shocked at how my students treat me. For those who have, they perfectly understand that I develop a close relationship with my students... to the point they feel absolutely free to say whatever they like, no matter how disrespectful it may seem. Am I offended? On other days, I'm usually not. But this was something different. Sure, they were joking with me but I treat this as more than a joke. I'm not bothered about how others see me but I AM very much bothered by what my students think of me. They mean a lot to me and if this is truly what they think of me, then I am truly saddened to the point of being devastated.

I face a variety of students in my week. Some classes give me joy while some just drive me up the wall! And some classes make me feel totally at ease and contented to be doing what I do. These classes are few and far between and the time spent with these students are the highlight of my week. It's like catching a glimpse of the rainbow after the rain has faded into the big blue sky. If I no longer have that rainbow up in the sky... what else is left for me to look forward to?

A Smile On Sunday

2008-08-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

It's not the norm for me to wake up early on Sunday. Then again, it's never the norm for me to wake up early on ANY day. I'm a night person and if I were rich and had advanced technology at my disposal, I'd be The Dark Knight (anybody want to sponsor me?).

Today, however, was one of those special days. A day where I would be able to go back to 'school'. Canteen Day - Ahh... the good old days. And so, I was up by 9 (which is still too early for me) and got into my jeans and T, coupons in hand. Once I got there, my eyes caught sight of the bustling activities among stalls and my ears were welcomed with the loud thumping of the latest Chinese pop hits. I immediately got into my groove. It's funny how at my age, I still seem to 'fit in' with the crowd. Haha!

I strolled from one stall to the next, taking a peep into what interesting (or bland) dishes students these days can cook up. Some were obviously your run-of-the-mill burgers and fishballs on sticks but there were some with a touch of creativity, such as one of my student's sandwich rolls. It was an interesting take on the age-old sandwich in the form of sushi rolls. I also had a popiah which exceeded my expectations. I usually don't expect much in terms of food quality when it comes to Canteen Days but this caught me by surprise!

But what would a trip back to school be without running into one of my students? Pleased to say, I ran into quite a few and I was absolutely delighted. Some were my current students and some were my former. Regardless of whichever one, I'm always happy to see them and spend some time with them. Some are even surprised that I would be there at all. Seeing a smile on their faces truly puts one on my face as well.

The only thing that somewhat dims my day is when students don't seem eager to see me (am I that scary?). In most cases, I'm usually the one who's so enthused to see them, going on and on about how long it's been and all they can muster is a 'Yeah... mmm... yeah..." and a faint nod. Maybe they're shy? But that would be lying to myself, cause I can certainly tell if someone is happy to see me or not. It's a shame really... to think that after all the effort I put into my teaching, I can't even get a smile on Sunday.

Growing Pains

2008-07-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

Growing Pains was one of my favourite sitcoms back in the 80's. It was a time of teenage discovery and maturity. Life was exciting and fun! I was a young boy and loving it!

Nearly 20 years on... Growing Pains is no longer on TV but I'm still discovering a lot of new things about adulthood and still maturing every step of the way. Life is still exciting and fun... except that I'm no longer a young boy. But here's the problem - deep inside, I still feel like a young boy and I still act like one! Haha!

Unlike most guys my age, I still haven't moved on from my teenage ways. I live a laidback (some would say 'unproductive') life. I'm carefree (some say 'irresponsible') and my life is mostly stress-free (to some, I'm living in Dreamland). So what's wrong with me?

I have to admit, I'm clueless when it comes to financial matters and really need to learn more about making enough money to save for my future. There will be times for emergencies when money will be needed; such as my wedding (IF I ever have one!) and I need to plan for that. I'm thankful I have friends who give me advice, even when it's harsh. Only true friends would go through the awkwardness of 'lecturing' you and I got that right in the face. Thanks guys! LOL! :)

So, another step forward in my learning curve as an adult... but as always, I find that little boy in me crying out, "Gimme a break!", as I look longingly at the cup of Starbucks Ice Tall Chocolate which I've been missing for more than a month...

Sigh... life is a real pain in the ass sometimes... :P

Fountains & Waterfalls

2008-07-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

There are some days when I have to drag myself to work. For most people, this would be an understatement. For me, well... it's a little different.

I count myself extremely lucky to have a job I love and one which pays enough for my single life. However, there are some classes which I dread going into. The ones where students are talking and shouting and fooling around, having almost no interest in learning at all. I wouldn't be complaining if I was the kind of teacher who reads straight from the book, in a monotonous tone that puts even an owl at night to sleep. I'm not. I put in effort to make lessons interesting, creative, informative and most of all, enjoyable; and yet, some don't pay attention. I give up!
These are my 'waterfall days'... where my whole self just crashes down and I have no mood or energy left to go on...

Then, there are my 'fountain days'... where my whole self rises to a higher plane... where my mood and energy shoots up to its height. Those are the days where I can't wait to get into class to see my wonderful students' faces. What makes these students different? Maturity certainly plays a part but ultimately, it's the fact that they appreciate the work I do for them and they show it on their faces. Nothing beats seeing them having a laugh and enjoying themselves in my class. Knowing that they've learned something useful that day and had fun doing it, is the best present I, as a teacher, could ever ask for!

So, here's to you, my wonderful students... the ones who give me the strength and reason to go on...

You Ask Me Why?

2008-06-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

You ask me why I smile
I say it's because of you
Honesty is my style
Yet you don't believe it's true

If you could see what I see in you
Then you will know what I say is true
'Cause if you see what I see in you
Then surely you will be smiling too
(Dedicated to my special ones)
- Caleb Ho @ 8 May 2008

Originally posted on June 15, 2008 at 05:40 AM on What the Blog? (Friendster Blogs)

Born Into This World

2008-06-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

I left the school hall tonight feeling absolutely disgusted and above all, sad and disappointed. No, nothing terrible happened to me... rather, it happened to my students and their friends.

What began as a moment of anticipation at the end of the Talent Competition turned into a moment of tears as the results were announced. My students' group, which performed a fascinating traditional Korean dance infused with modern ballet, had not won any of the 3 prizes on offer. Now, I am not claiming that they were the best performers on the night as I felt the 3rd and 1st prizes were awarded to deserving winners. It was rather the 2nd place winners which shocked me and nearly everyone in the hall. Even if my students' group was not among the best 3 that night, they were certainly better than the 2nd place winners. In fact, there were a few other groups who were certainly better.

While I would like to believe that the judging was fair, the result certainly raises a few questions. It would not be wrong to assume that someone was biased in their judging or had some sort of personal interest in the winners. If neither is the case, then they must be blind!

As a teacher, I am obliged to encourage my students to try their best in all they do. I am also obliged to tell them that as long as they work hard and make honest decisions, their efforts will be rewarded. How then can I continue to tell them so when in reality, what often happens is exactly the opposite?

We are born into a world where the simple laws of hard work and success exist but where injustice often prevails. This was the world I saw that night as I walked out of the hall... unable to offer any form of consolation or comfort to my students. They put their heart into their performance and this world chose to reward them with tears of disappointment and pain.

Can we blame them for not wanting to try?

Originally posted on June 14, 2008 at 01:37 PM on What the Blog? (Friendster Blogs)