It's one of those weeks again... where everything seems to be going wrong. It also happens to be the week I say my 'goodbyes' to my Form 3 students who will be facing their PMR next week. These 'goodbyes' are easier to handle since most of them will return next year (well, at least I can only hope). Some have already told me they won't be coming back to my class next year, although they never really tell me why. It leaves me with a saddened heart... it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough.
You'd think I'd be used to facing these short-term goodbyes by now but I don't think I can ever get used to it. I will really be facing an uphill battle in November when my Form 5 classes graduate 'cause then it's 'goodbye' forever. Yeah, some will say they will come visit from time to time. Some will say they will ask me out for dinner when they're free. Well, for the past 8 years, experience has told me that 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words.' Of the many who have proudly boasted they will be my good friends, well, less than 10 percent actually do what they promise. I would rather they not promise me anything.
And so my week started as such. A simple promise from one of my ex-students whom I count as a true friend, was broken even before I had a chance to respond. We were supposed to watch a movie together. Nowadays, it's hard for me to find the time or the friends to watch a movie with. So, I value these moments very much. Perhaps she didn't know that I had rejected other people's invitations to watch that movie since I had promised her. Perhaps watching a movie isn't such a big deal to her, as it is to me. On the day I so badly needed to be with a good friend, to watch a movie that would make me laugh despite my tears inside, I found myself abandoned, alone and awake.
Then comes one of my favorite classes of the week and a familiar face is missing again. This is someone I call my 'sister'. Someone I care a lot about but I guess my class is not worth coming to if there's shopping fun to be had. I really can't understand how teenagers think these days. I remember how I would hate missing my English teacher's class every Thursday night. Mr Gerald is one of the greatest lights in my life and my inspiration to be the best teacher I can be. I would try my best to attend his classes simply because he was such a dedicated teacher who communicated so well with his students. He was more than a teacher. He was a friend. And that's what I've been trying to be for the past 8 years of my teaching life. Yet, I have students who can't seem to grasp that. Am I pissed? No. I'm brokenhearted.
Already, my entire week is filled with that tinge of temporal sadness of not seeing my Form 3 students. I really could have done without any more sadness nor disappointments and yet it happens. Seriously! I feel like breaking something and screaming!
After all the 'goodbyes' have been said and the guitar laid to rest, I just wanted to make myself happy. For a single guy of my age, there's really not much I can do to make myself happy when I'm alone other than pampering myself with an expensive and delicious meal. So, I head over to a fancy restaurant nearby for some wonderful western steak. Well, what a nightmare meal it turned out to be. The waitress got my order wrong one after another. The corn came despite me requesting it to be substituted with vegetables, two sets of steak came when I only ordered one, my butter was taken away when only half-finished and I had to request for another one (I hate wasting food), my steak was more like medium rare when I wanted it to be medium well, some parts of the steak were inedible as it was so hard, my coffee came without any sugar and I had to go to the counter myself to get it. In the end, even my favorite dessert - chocolate ice-cream wasn't the least bit satisfying. Despite my complaints to the supervisor on duty, I had to pay the full price of 81 ringgit (service tax included). That's when I swore I would never go there to dine again.
And so it was... driving back home after a long day, tired... my tummy filled yet unsatisfied, my heart all but an empty shell... and tears of loneliness streaking down my veins... I am left here alone... abandoned... with only my shadow as my only friend... and even that, will soon leave me as I put myself to bed... with silent tears heavier than the rain...
