Time After Time

Time after time, my nerves start to shake, my nights become sleepless and my mind can't seem to focus. Everytime I have to say "goodbye", I become a nervous wreck. So much so that my students have to tell me, "Don't be so kan cheong."

I spent the past few nights preparing for tonight's class... just as I prepared for my previous 2 classes. Every year as November nears, I find myself having so much to do and so little time to do them. I guess I can never do enough for my students. I always want to do so much more.

As it was with the previous 2 classes, I was late for tonight's graduation. Every year... somehow, this happens. No matter how much I prepare in advance, I never seem to have enough time on that day. I guess it's also because part of me is reluctant to go to class because I know exactly what it means - goodbye.

I'm a strange character. The nights before the final class arrives, I will get so emotional and cry in my room. However, when the day comes, I'm the coolest person around. I remember last year's graduation when a few of my students cried and yet I stood steady as a rock. I can't understand that part about me. Being the emotional person that I am, I should be crying the moment I step into class. I guess I have to somehow force myself to be strong in front of my students. As a teacher, I can never let them see me cry.

I stayed behind long after class was over at 10:30. I washed the cups and plates, wiped the tables, cleaned the floor, threw away the rubbish... and I was happy to do it all. By the time I was done, it was almost 11:30 but I still didn't want to go home. I stood in my class staring at all the empty tables and chairs, knowing that my students will never take their places there again. It seemed like the perfect moment to cry but I held it in. I hadn't had my dinner and was going to meet my student later. So, I walked out and closed up the center at 12:12am.

It was strange seeing my student so soon after saying "goodbye" and he did ask me how I felt when he came into the car. Of course I told him I was sad but other than that, I really didn't know what to say. We had our meal and talked about a lot of things but we didn't stay out long.

After dropping him off at his house, I turned up the music and sped away. Throughout the short journey home, I saw nothing in front of me. My mind was blank and I just stared into space. The moment I drove my car into the porch and stopped the engine, it started... the tears... slowly one by one... and then, without warning, in one big wave, it came bursting out. I remember the last time I cried like this... it was 2 years ago when my girlfriend left me. It's a feeling I don't want to remember but tonight I did. Tonight, I felt pain in my heart - pain I had not felt in a long, long time.

As the tears began to slow down, I reached for my phone in my pocket. I looked through my phone messages and read a text from my student. I smiled as a tear touched my lips - she wrote, "... dun b sad because it is over, b happy because it happened..."

I looked up into the millions of tiny tears shining in the silent sky and knew she was right. Our time together should be celebrated. Our time together should be cherished and we should be happy because we've created a friendship that will last... time after time...

After the darkness has turned to grey...