Me, Myself and I

I drove to class today with the usual feeling in my heart as always - happy and excited to see my students. Strangely, I was in the mood to listen to some sad love songs by Jay Chou and so I played them in the car and sang along as I usually did.

It seemed like a typical day in class. I waited as usual for some of my students as they had to rush from extra class in school but strangely, even after waiting for about 10 minutes, many of them had not turned up. Soon enough, they showed up one by one. However, my mind was still fixed on the empty chairs lying in front.

I concluded that they were probably either too busy or too tired and so, with a heavy heart, I started the day's lesson. I tried to make a difficult and boring story as easy and as interesting as possible but somehow, my usual charm escaped me. There was something in the air today... something uncomfortable and depressing. Even one of my students sensed that I was somehow affected by this strange sense of gloom and texted me in the midst of the lesson. I really didn't know how to answer her but I tried my best, which on this day, seemed especially hard to do.

Towards the end of the lesson, I shared my opinions on our orphanage trip last Saturday and after sharing some funny incidents from my experience in dealing with kids, the mood of the class improved somewhat. I spoke with my student outside class regarding the strange mood in today's class and she had no clue either. I tried not to think too much of it and headed to McDonald's for a quick break before my next class. It was there that I sent a few messages to those who were absent today, informing them of what happened in class today and telling them that we missed them.

What happened after that completely changed my entire day. I was brought down to Earth with a heavy 'thump', feeling like every bone in my body had broken and my heart... lying around in pieces. I guess it's at times like this when being single really sucks. I had no other half to turn to, I could not seek the listening ear of my best friend who was far away and even my closest ex-students were too busy with their own lives to offer any form of comfort. I don't blame any of them. There is no one to blame for this. I accept it as part of life... something everyone goes through and something I just have to go through as well.

I drove the longest drive back to Klang today... and tried to control myself from crying in the car. I had to teach another class soon and could not let my emotions ruin the joy of that class. Sometimes, I just have to push everything aside, be professional and put on that smile.

After successfully navigating through my emotions to complete another fun lesson, I called up one of my students. This student means a lot to me as he has been with me since the first class and has shown great enthusiasm and support for my lessons. We chatted for a while and he helped me to understand the situation better. As we reached the end of our conversation, I realised that this was the end. Very reluctantly, I said "take care".

I tried calling another two students after that but I couldn't get through. After a few more times, I decided to let it be. Nothing could cheer me up - not even the thought of having my favourite meal at my favourite place. And so, I ordered something from the menu which I'd never tried before... not knowing what to expect... as I gazed into the wide open sky... just me, myself and I.