When The Stars Go Blue

As some of you know, something hasn't been right in my life. I've never felt so down in a long, long time. Most of my students don't realise that I'm going through a rough patch because I'm my usual cheerful self in class. I have to - I have a job to do and that's to inspire and educate young minds. As a teacher, I try to help a lot of people with their problems, whether in studies or in life but when it comes to my own problems, I have to help myself.
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To the few who have realised that something wasn't right in my life, thank you for your concern and encouragement. Even though your words couldn't make the pain go away, they brought me some comfort. I'm really lucky to have you as my friends. Thank you.
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As a teacher, a lot of people look up to me. Some expect me to be perfect. But I'm not. I try to be the best I can but I'm still only human. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I make mistakes and some of these mistakes are stupid and inexcusable. Everyone makes mistakes but when I make them, somehow they seem bigger or worse than when others make them. I'm not denying what I did was stupid and wrong. I admit it - I was stupid and wrong. But I also ask for forgiveness and that seems harder to come by for me... simply because I'm a teacher.

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I suffer a lot for my mistakes, not just because others blame me or hate me for my mistakes but because I blame myself and hate myself over and over again for my mistakes. I punish myself so that I won't make the same mistake again. I always tell my students, "It's all right to make mistakes; what's important is to learn from your mistakes and never make the same mistakes again." So, I tell myself that as well. When I can be a teacher and guiding light to others, I can only be my own and it's really hard. It's really hard and it hurts.

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For the past few weeks, I've disconnected myself from almost every form of communication. I've tried to shut myself away from the world. In all that time, I've been like a withered leaf... drifting aimlessly in the water, not knowing or caring where the water takes me. Wherever I've been to in the past few weeks, my body was there but my mind was always somewhere else. I've lived life alone for a long time but these few weeks, I've never felt more alone in my life...

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... and it's time to get up. From where I've been drowning, it's time to swim; it's time to breathe again for I cannot go on like this. I cannot let my mistakes hold me back from living. I'm not young anymore; yet there's so much more to live for. I can't let my life fade away, fade into grey. No, I'm alive and I'm here to stay.

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Now, it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. Inside, I'm hurting... and my heart wants to cry but my tears won't fall. So, I can only sing out my sorrow. Another year has passed and another group of special students have left. I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up - to be strong when it's time to say 'goodbye'.

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Some people may not understand why it's so hard for a teacher to say 'goodbye' to his students, especially since the teacher only teaches at tuition centers. Well, I'm different. I know I am and my students know it too. I don't need to prove to anyone how different I am. I just do my best for my students. Their opinion matters most to me.

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For the past few years, I've been criticised, gossiped about and shot down by parents for my teaching methods, for my 'lack of experience' and for my lack of focus on exams. No matter what I say, no matter how I try to explain, I keep fighting a losing battle. So, I don't want to care so much about what they think. I want to care more about what my students think. Yes, I'm a person who's often misunderstood. Even when I try to do the right thing, I'm misunderstood. That is my curse for being different.

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To my Class of 2009 students who graduated this week, THANK YOU for believing in me, THANK YOU for understanding me and THANK YOU for loving me because I'm different. I love you as my students; and as my friends. I will miss you all dearly; in fact I already am. There's always not enough time to say everything but just to let you know, you will always be in my heart and you will always be a person of worth in my eyes.

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Tonight, in my last Graduation Class, one of my students cried as I dedicated my last gift to them and another cried as she sat down at the end of class. Over the years, a few have cried when leaving my class but these students have cried the hardest. Inside, my heart was breaking but I didn't cry. I would never allow myself to cry in front of my students. I always have to be strong - for them and for me. And when the voices have all left the room and it's only me in there, it gets really hard for me to stay. I have to leave as soon as I can or my heart wouldn't survive.

As I drive home alone in the quiet rain, I recall the very last moments in tonight's class. I guess the biggest compliment I can get as a teacher is when my student comes forward to hug me at the end of class; and as she lets go, she says, with tears almost dry in her eyes, "Thanks friend."

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* MEGA YAKIN CLASS OF 2009 *

* ALAM GEMILANG CLASS OF 2009 *

* SRI WAWASAN CLASS OF 2009 *

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'Where do you go when you're lonely?

Where do you go when you're blue?

When the stars go blue?'