It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was happy, minding my own business when out of a sudden, the tiny thought of someone who used to mean everything to me, invaded the deep recesses of my mind. I guess this person still means a lot to me, even if she isn't supposed to anymore.
Amidst the euphoria of seeing my students finding their 'new love' and some, reuniting with their 'old love' , I fell deep into my own depressive state of still not having found my own. I was fine before this. I didn't need to think about this nor have this feeling pollute my mind but it did. Inevitably, inescapably, it drilled itself into my mind's core and then somehow found a way to worm itself into my heart; leaving me utterly incapacitated.
I hate this feeling of wanting and yet not having; of longing and yet not finding. I guess it's time I face reality - I might never find that special feeling ever again; not with anyone I know right now, not ever.
So goes the famous saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Being in my current state, I would tend to disagree. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to have someone understand you and accept you wholeheartedly. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to sit together with someone and feel like the world is a better place simply 'cause she's there. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to find someone who completes you in a way no one has ever done before. Maybe it's better...
I got a taste of what love, in it's simplest and sweetest sense, feels like and I want to hold it in my arms again but I am paralyzed by the fear that I may never find it again...
... and it is the fear that consumes me...
... it is the fear that drowns me and pulls me under...
... to where I may never surface again...
5 comments:
Hi Caleb. Hmn.. Reading your post somehow made me feel down o.. Don't know why though. But hmn, all i can say is.. Be strong..
GDU C:
Feel better soon. As much as I'd like to comfort you by saying I understand how you feel, I can't. I'd be lying, as I've never loved that way before. I do agree with you on the saying though. I, too, believe that it's better off not knowing sometimes. Ignorance is bliss.
But know that you're not alone. Many others feel the same way you do. Like I've said before, feel better soon. I'm sad to know you're down.
Yvette: Thanks for dropping by just to say a few words. It helps to know my sadness is understood. I'll try to be strong.
Resha: Thanks for your honest words. I know many others feel like I do but in times like these, it doesn't matter how many other people share this same feeling 'cause what matters is how I feel, not what others feel.
I hope you never have to experience this feeling. Look at me... it's almost 6 in the morning and I'm still up... not even sure what I'm doing thinking about something that can't be mine. Sigh... oh well... I'll try to feel better. Thanks.
heard your story
you're a good man...hahaha
Cheer!!!
Caleb, i ain't that brave..my eldest sis was the one making the decision actually. I'm just following orders here. hehe. anyway, GOOD NEWS!! i'm offered :) UTAR, PJ campus, offered for Foundation in Arts leading to Bachelor of International Business :)
And yes, pls help :S i still haven't found a place to rent :(
p/s: i know it's weird to reply here. haha
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