Sinking

Well, it's that time of the year again. When it used to come only twice a year - on Valentine's and Christmas, the 'emo season' has struck again. Once more, the emotional roller coaster has strapped me mercilessly into its seat and blazed off at breakneck speed. Like a kid who's been duped into taking a terror ride in exchange for sweets, I've been sucked into this state of 'emo sickness' yet again. Sigh...

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was happy, minding my own business when out of a sudden, the tiny thought of someone who used to mean everything to me, invaded the deep recesses of my mind. I guess this person still means a lot to me, even if she isn't supposed to anymore.

Amidst the euphoria of seeing my students finding their 'new love' and some, reuniting with their 'old love' , I fell deep into my own depressive state of still not having found my own. I was fine before this. I didn't need to think about this nor have this feeling pollute my mind but it did. Inevitably, inescapably, it drilled itself into my mind's core and then somehow found a way to worm itself into my heart; leaving me utterly incapacitated.

I hate this feeling of wanting and yet not having; of longing and yet not finding. I guess it's time I face reality - I might never find that special feeling ever again; not with anyone I know right now, not ever.

So goes the famous saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Being in my current state, I would tend to disagree. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to have someone understand you and accept you wholeheartedly. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to sit together with someone and feel like the world is a better place simply 'cause she's there. Maybe it's better to not know what it feels like to find someone who completes you in a way no one has ever done before. Maybe it's better...

I got a taste of what love, in it's simplest and sweetest sense, feels like and I want to hold it in my arms again but I am paralyzed by the fear that I may never find it again...

... and it is the fear that consumes me...

... it is the fear that drowns me and pulls me under...

... to where I may never surface again...

Sportsmanship Day

I recently had the privilege of attending my students' sports day at SMJK Kwang Hua. I had to cancel my classes but it was worth it. Anyway I'm going to replace those classes next week but I'm never going to get another chance to be at my students' big day. This was, after all, their senior year and their last ever sports day.

For weeks, my students have been staying back after school, marching in the hot sun while some have spent hours designing and making their banners. They've been so tired with practices that a few have even stopped coming to my classes for a month while some have skipped one or two classes. Of course I wish they could attend but I've always kept an open-mind to their situation and I willingly allow them to forgo their classes without any ill-feeling. Rather, I greatly encourage their participation in sports day.

For me, sports day is an experience that every student should participate in. It's one of the most memorable events of a student's life and most of all, it's a non-academic event. Along with canteen day, school concerts and graduation day, sports day should be celebrated as a key contributer to a student's overall development. In our flawed education system that continually bores our students to death with mindless spoon-feeding, sports day is a rare success story. Leadership, teamwork, creativity and determination are great lessons which a book can never teach you. It's a great shame that most schools are not properly funded with well-equipped track and field facilities. One look at the muddied, sand-covered field tells you just how much support schools get from the government.

Yet, despite all these forces working against them, I saw my students march proudly, stomping on mud and turning their white shoes black. I saw them exert every ounce of energy running, slipping, falling and some failing; but never giving up. I saw them cheer their teams as they crossed the finish line while some despaired with bruises on their hands and knees but never once did I see the competition boiling over into a heated rivalry. Instead, there were hugs between competitors and handshakes between house captains. Some of my students failed in their quest for trophies but the true champion of the day was sportsmanship. It's the important tiny details like these that make the whole event such a joy to watch.

As for me, I soaked in all the joy and glory of my students, for they performed to the best of their abilities and for that, they are all winners! "Majulah Sukan Untuk Negara!"