Monday 22 November 2010

Farewell & May Love Bring Us Together Again

Well, all my 'goodbyes' have been said... all the hugs and wishes given, all the thanks and handshakes received, all the smiles and laughter faded, all the tears wiped away and all the memories locked inside my heart. To give, to receive, to hold onto, to let go - all these have come and gone. And now, all that's left is this lonely soul... hoping to receive some form of encouragement, a glimmer of hope, a spark of joy given to birth from a tiny shed of a tear filled with gratitude or a tiny speck of love - whichever that will never cease to lift this empty soul.

In a few hours' time, as the clock ticks and the nightly shadows slowly ebb away... I extend my forlorn hands to grant you this wish - that you each do your best, not try... that you open your eyes to the reality set before you, not close your eyes and dream... that you go forth and conquer this battle and stake your claim in this war, not step back, retreat and surrender to your fears.

My dear friends, I wish you well. Now, make me proud. More importantly, make yourselves proud. I'm with you, near or far, seen or unseen, heard or unheard... you are always remembered and will always be loved.

Seri Wawasan Form 5 Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5A Class of 2010

Alam Gemilang Form 5 Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5D Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5B Class of 2010

Mega Yakin Form 5C Class of 2010


Tuesday 16 November 2010

The Sound of Silence

Every year, I dread the month of November. No, it has nothing to do with the rainy weather. I like rainy days... except when I need to go out cause I hate getting wet when I'm out. I guess everybody feels that way too. However, I doubt if everybody feels the way I do each November. I doubt if everybody feels the way I have felt for the past seven years during the cold November rain.

Last night, I said my first 'Goodbye' to my graduating class at Sri Wawasan. It was difficult, as it always is. Perhaps the first one is a little more difficult than the rest as I have to make sure all the preparations are ready and organized well. Practice does make perfect but each year's graduation is slightly different so there's always some adjustments to be made.

There are so many things to consider as every class is different. The number of students are different, the classrooms are different in size and shape and the facilities available to each class are also different. So, activities need to be adjusted accordingly to fit in with the schedule.

Complicating things is the chemistry between students. Some classes have a great 'family' rapport while some are not that close. Then, there's also the chemistry between my students and myself which varies greatly from class to class. Factoring all these intangible details into the planning process definitely kills a few brain cells but it certainly gives birth to many unforgettable moments... moments which my students and I will remember forever.

And so I thought, that after last night's difficult 'Goodbye' to my first class, I would have had gotten used to it. But I was gravely wrong. How could I get used to saying 'Goodbye'? How could I get used to seeing them leave one by one, knowing they'll never return as a class? How could I not shed tears when I know things will never be the same again?

Tonight, the feeling was no different. Preparing to say 'Goodbye' to my first graduating class at Mega Yakin, I tried to put on a brave face, just as I had the night before. I held back the tears though inside, I was breaking into pieces. I had to remain positive. I had to embrace this moment and enjoy it... this moment - our last together as a class. And so we laughed and had a great time. Yet, it was a laughter that was punctuated with an air of sadness. Deep down, behind the smiling faces and the twinkling eyes, the cold rain of November was pouring in our hearts.

Then, comes the 'Goodbyes'. I hate it when we have to rush things through. No matter how well I plan it, we never seem to have enough time. I hate having to rush because I can't calm myself down to say what I want to say. However, I know it's the same with every class. We never seem to finish all our activities on time because deep down, we all don't want to leave. We don't want to say 'Goodbye' and as always, that 'Goodbye' comes sooner than expected... it comes sooner than we would want it to and once it comes, all that's left is an empty class decorated with empty tables and chairs. I can only stand there, staring into the empty space before me. The ones I love have left and I already begin to miss their faces, their smiles, their laughter... and even the sound of their breath and I'm helpless to do anything but stand there.

I have another four more classes graduating under me in the next four days... I don't know how I'm going to face this. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know how I'm going to come out of it alive. Of all the creepy and horrifying sounds I fear, the one I fear the most, is the sound of silence. It's deafening.

Thursday 11 November 2010

Living A Teenage Dream

My heart raced as I drove to Kwang Hua High School. One of my ex-students called earlier to tell me that the school guards had turned them away at the school gate. Outsiders were not allowed to witness the Graduation Day Concert; only parents were allowed "What the. . . damn those stupid school rules!", my heart screamed in anger as my hands clenched tightly onto the steering wheel. There was no way I was missing my students' graduation. I'd promised them weeks ago that I would be there and to me, a promise is a promise. I stepped harder on the accelerator.

I found a spot a good distance away from the gate and parked there regardless. I ran as fast as I could, the fear of being turned away at the school gate, fueling my every step. I reached the gate to find my 'brother' waiting for me. After a few moments, the gate opened and the guard let me in. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My 'brother' and I waited at the gate for the approval letter to arrive and it took a while. Then, my 'brother' received a phone call. The performance had begun! We hesitated and then, in plain rationality, I asked the guard if we could go ahead without the letter. . . he said 'OK'. God bless his soul.

So, we ran, up the steep road, round the bend, onto the straight, up the stairs and into a crowd of people watching in the hall. I pulled my camera out as soon as I found a seat and started recording. I was still in time to witness the second half of the performance and I immediately took in the atmosphere of the moment. It was electric!

I spent the next few hours recording my students' performances and cheered them on by shouting out their names. I was a teen again. Then, during the last performance, my students persuaded me to join them in a chain-running frenzy and I duly obliged as we held onto each other's shoulders and swarmed the stage and back down again in one swift flow. I was really a teen once more and I loved it!

At the end of the ceremony, many of my students started crying and I went around hugging and consoling them. I don't know why but in that moment, I felt like crying too but I held back. Seeing them cry because the realization of separation had set in, it made me think of how naive and childish I once was and how I yearn to be that again... to be young again. What a joy it would be if in that moment, I could be transported back to my school days and be surrounded by familiar faces once more. . . faces which have now grown old and weary. Growing up has a way of sucking the life out of us as we chase our dreams. So much innocence is lost in our pursuit of a better life that sometimes, we forget that the better life has already come and gone. A student's life is the better life. . . a student's life is the best life.

I felt the rush of exhilaration racing through my veins and my heart thumped with the beat of youthful energy as my students mischievously grabbed my arms and legs and threw me up into the air with screams of delight. It was the first time I'd experienced it and it took me by surprise how much I enjoyed it. Being mercilessly thrown into the air, it was at once ridiculous and empowering. Even now, at my age, I've managed to experience something only a teen could go through and in that very moment, I knew that I was indeed living a teenage dream.










Wednesday 3 November 2010

Standing On The Edge

The heart pounds... stronger and stronger with each passing second... it's thumping harder against the wall of my soul... I can almost feel it burst out screaming! I feel like running, kicking and screaming but then... nothing... nothing but silence...

Nothing seems to satisfy me anymore. I flick through my pile of DVDs, so new the plastic still wraps itself around so tightly. I don't have the mood to watch anything. I've not had the mood to watch anything for a long time. All they do is sit there, collecting dust by the day and the day has turned into weeks, which have turned into months...

I go out for a drink with my students. That's always fun. I order an ice-cold fresh fruit juice and it refreshes me... but only for a while. Once the glass is empty, the satisfaction is drained with it. Let's see what else is on the menu... Ahh... my favourite comfort food - ice-cream; something I love and haven't had for a long time. It arrives - tall glass of icy creamy goodness looking splendidly delicious. Disappointing; the blueberry sauce is sour and not what I'd imagined. Looks can be deceiving. I should have ordered chocolate instead.

Okay, fun time's over. Time to send my students home. Back at my house, I'm still feeling dissatisfied. I stumble into the kitchen and rummage through the fridge. Let's have a few chunks of chocolate - my second favourite comfort food. Too sweet. I prefer dark chocolate... but there's only so little left. Sigh...

Upstairs to my room then. Let's play my favourite computer game - Football Manager. This should be satisfying. Finally, my Liverpool team is awesome enough to beat any team. Team selection -set, tactics -set. Play... Damn! My team can't even beat Manchester City. A lousy draw after my captain is sent off for a vicious tackle. Argh!

What now? Okay, let's go for a drive through this sleepy town and listen to some good music in the car...

All right, I've been circling the same area thrice. There must be something satisfying I can do at 3am in the morning. Let's watch some real football then. It's Champions League night and the big game is on - AC Milan vs Real Madrid. My team's not playing but Madrid disgusts me, so it should be fun watching Milan thrash them. Oh... wait, I don't think that's going to happen. Might end up disappointed, again. Skip!

Okay, back in my room again. 4 in the morning. Let's listen to some sad love songs as I ponder... what else is there to do? Play my guitar? Check my Facebook profile for the eighth time today? Ah... screw it! Just sleep then.

Nothing seems to satisfy me anymore.