When The Stars Go Blue

As some of you know, something hasn't been right in my life. I've never felt so down in a long, long time. Most of my students don't realise that I'm going through a rough patch because I'm my usual cheerful self in class. I have to - I have a job to do and that's to inspire and educate young minds. As a teacher, I try to help a lot of people with their problems, whether in studies or in life but when it comes to my own problems, I have to help myself.
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To the few who have realised that something wasn't right in my life, thank you for your concern and encouragement. Even though your words couldn't make the pain go away, they brought me some comfort. I'm really lucky to have you as my friends. Thank you.
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As a teacher, a lot of people look up to me. Some expect me to be perfect. But I'm not. I try to be the best I can but I'm still only human. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I make mistakes and some of these mistakes are stupid and inexcusable. Everyone makes mistakes but when I make them, somehow they seem bigger or worse than when others make them. I'm not denying what I did was stupid and wrong. I admit it - I was stupid and wrong. But I also ask for forgiveness and that seems harder to come by for me... simply because I'm a teacher.

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I suffer a lot for my mistakes, not just because others blame me or hate me for my mistakes but because I blame myself and hate myself over and over again for my mistakes. I punish myself so that I won't make the same mistake again. I always tell my students, "It's all right to make mistakes; what's important is to learn from your mistakes and never make the same mistakes again." So, I tell myself that as well. When I can be a teacher and guiding light to others, I can only be my own and it's really hard. It's really hard and it hurts.

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For the past few weeks, I've disconnected myself from almost every form of communication. I've tried to shut myself away from the world. In all that time, I've been like a withered leaf... drifting aimlessly in the water, not knowing or caring where the water takes me. Wherever I've been to in the past few weeks, my body was there but my mind was always somewhere else. I've lived life alone for a long time but these few weeks, I've never felt more alone in my life...

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... and it's time to get up. From where I've been drowning, it's time to swim; it's time to breathe again for I cannot go on like this. I cannot let my mistakes hold me back from living. I'm not young anymore; yet there's so much more to live for. I can't let my life fade away, fade into grey. No, I'm alive and I'm here to stay.

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Now, it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. Inside, I'm hurting... and my heart wants to cry but my tears won't fall. So, I can only sing out my sorrow. Another year has passed and another group of special students have left. I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up - to be strong when it's time to say 'goodbye'.

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Some people may not understand why it's so hard for a teacher to say 'goodbye' to his students, especially since the teacher only teaches at tuition centers. Well, I'm different. I know I am and my students know it too. I don't need to prove to anyone how different I am. I just do my best for my students. Their opinion matters most to me.

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For the past few years, I've been criticised, gossiped about and shot down by parents for my teaching methods, for my 'lack of experience' and for my lack of focus on exams. No matter what I say, no matter how I try to explain, I keep fighting a losing battle. So, I don't want to care so much about what they think. I want to care more about what my students think. Yes, I'm a person who's often misunderstood. Even when I try to do the right thing, I'm misunderstood. That is my curse for being different.

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To my Class of 2009 students who graduated this week, THANK YOU for believing in me, THANK YOU for understanding me and THANK YOU for loving me because I'm different. I love you as my students; and as my friends. I will miss you all dearly; in fact I already am. There's always not enough time to say everything but just to let you know, you will always be in my heart and you will always be a person of worth in my eyes.

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Tonight, in my last Graduation Class, one of my students cried as I dedicated my last gift to them and another cried as she sat down at the end of class. Over the years, a few have cried when leaving my class but these students have cried the hardest. Inside, my heart was breaking but I didn't cry. I would never allow myself to cry in front of my students. I always have to be strong - for them and for me. And when the voices have all left the room and it's only me in there, it gets really hard for me to stay. I have to leave as soon as I can or my heart wouldn't survive.

As I drive home alone in the quiet rain, I recall the very last moments in tonight's class. I guess the biggest compliment I can get as a teacher is when my student comes forward to hug me at the end of class; and as she lets go, she says, with tears almost dry in her eyes, "Thanks friend."

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* MEGA YAKIN CLASS OF 2009 *

* ALAM GEMILANG CLASS OF 2009 *

* SRI WAWASAN CLASS OF 2009 *

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'Where do you go when you're lonely?

Where do you go when you're blue?

When the stars go blue?'

Taking A Break

Guys, I won't be updating my blog for some time. I don't know how long honestly. I will probably be back but for now, I can't say when. I hope everyone will be fine and doing well while I'm gone. Take care.

The Truth Hurts

How do I go about describing a day where I'm so nervous that I end up sleeping for only 3 hours? For me, that is some kind of record. I usually go to bed around 7 and wake up way after lunch time. Today, I woke up at 10.

I looked myself in the mirror... the wrinkles suddenly become so obvious... the hair suddenly looks thinner and my face is simply a mess. I look away in disgust. If there's one thing I can't stop, it's time. So, I let go and resign myself to the seconds ticking away into minutes, hours and days. I'm not afraid of being old, just afraid of losing my youth.

I gather up my courage and my heart to go meet her - Destiny. She is shinning, shimmering in the bright sunlight like an angel... and she waits for me there. I walk into the sunlight and bathe myself in her afterglow as she walks ahead of me... every step a leap away from me, every movement a vanishing of her presence. The truth hurts - I can never be entwined with Destiny. Our worlds are too far apart and I'm just wrong for her. So , I wave goodbye and head for home, tired and waiting for Death to come for me.

In class, a missing face is haunting me. Where has that smile gone I wonder?

The voice over the phone reveals where the smile has turned into a frown, into an embarrased expression of sadness and perhaps regret?

Inside, my heart breaks into cracks as large as my soul. And with every crack, I patch it up and make it whole again. I make it strong once more to face another day.

The truth hurts - My classes don't focus enough on a student's examination needs. They are a waste of time. So, I wave goodbye and head for home, tired and waiting for death to come for me...


... but I lie awake still... no, I'm not ready to die yet...

"Praise is good, it strengthens the heart; criticism is even better; it strengthens the whole."

- Caleb Ho.

Goodbye For Now

The past week has been a difficult one for me, as it always is at this time of the year. It used to be much harder but eversince I started teaching Forms 4 and 5 a few years ago, it meant that it didn't have to be 'goodbye forever' after Form 3. Saying 'goodbye' to the graduating classes at the end of this month, however, will be forever, and very hard indeed.

I walked into my Form 5 class today with a cloud hovering over me. I had already said my momentary 'goodbyes' to two Form 3 classes and I had to face another later at night. Nevertheless, I tried to be my usual upbeat self. Being a teacher, it's important that I maintain my professionalism no matter rain or shine. For me, being such an emotional person, it's always a very difficult thing to do - but I do it nevertheless.

So, to see faces half asleep (or perhaps half-awake), quiet, unresponsive and worst of all, not showing any sort of enthusiasm for my class, it kills me. Really, it does. And to think, this is going to be our last month together. I try to understand what they might be going through - exams, family problems, relationship problems, friendship problems, lack of sleep, sick... I don't know; but I try to make excuses for their behaviour. I try to forgive them. I try to not get angry or worse than that, disappointed. Afterall, I try my best to come up with new creative ideas to make learning interesting and fun, such as today's 'Court in Session' for literature. I really hope this is just a one-off. If this is how it's going to be for our last month together, then, it would make no difference to kill me now.

Are my lessons becoming boring? Are they losing trust in my unconventional learning methods? I really don't know...


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Now that I've got that out of my heart, I want to dedicate this space to my bubbly, wonderful and crazy Form 3 bunch. You guys continue to make me feel younger than I really should. As if hanging out with 17-year-olds isn't making me young enough, you guys continue to turn back the clock on my youth. Ahh... I'm so going to miss you guys! Until next year and all the best for your PMR! You can do it! I believe in you...


The first 'goodbye' - Alam Gemilang Form 3 Class of 2009

The second 'goodbye' - Mega Yakin Form 3 Class of 2009

The third 'goodbye' - Seri Wawasan Form 3 Class of 2009

I Don't Want To Be UP

I went to see UP today. It was upon my sister's recommendation and I honestly wouldn't have gone to see it if she didn't speak so highly of it. I'd seen the trailer numerous times before and thought to myself, 'Okay, I guess I'll skip this one'. But as the famous saying goes, 'Never judge a book by its cover'. I guess in this context it would be, 'Never judge a movie by its trailer'.


Movie trailers are often misleading. Usually, it's the other way around, where the trailer makes the movie seem so thrilling but when you actually watch the movie, you wish you'd stayed at home watching lizards crawl.


----------------- The voice (Ed Asner) and the character ------------------

This time however, it was totally unexpected. I think it's great that the trailer gives nothing away. I went into the cinema not knowing what to expect and came away simply awed by it. I can smother the producers with praise for the superb artwork and the clever use of colours to match the mood in the scenes. I could also tip my hat off to the excellent characterization but that would be missing the point; for the best part of UP is its story.

--------------- The character and the voice (Jordan Nagai) --------------

UP is essentially a story of life - the life of a man and a woman, who were both once a boy and a girl. I love how they made the characters speak less as they turned the pages of them growing old together. It's exactly what I believe true love should be. We don't need words to tell the other person how we feel or know how the other one feels; we just need to look at each other and let the silence speak the words we feel. Sometimes, the silence sings more beautifully than words can ever say. I knew a love like that once...

Throughout the entire hour and a half, my eyes were fixed upon each scene that unfolded before me. I laughed, I cried. The more I watched, the more I wanted to be like Carl Fredricksen. I wanted to meet a girl like he did. I wanted to fall in love so innocently as he did. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the one I love, just as he did. Even if I ended up alone in the end, it would all be worth it.

I love the wonderful lesson in UP. It's one that we should all learn. No matter how old we are, we can all learn to be a kid again. It's something I'm doing right now and it's something I hope I'll still be doing for all the years I'm alive.


The movie really made me think of my own life. The only thing is that I'm not as lucky as Carl Fredricksen. He found Ellie as a young boy; I've been looking for true love for as long as I can remember. It's been so long that it's gotten to a point where I've stopped looking. Now, I'm just waiting... waiting for it to come my way. And I'll keep waiting, for as long as it takes.

A lot of people feel I have high expectations for love but actually, what I want is really simple. For all the fun that I might have if I were to float my house UP in the sky, I don't want to be UP. I just want to be on the ground... lying quietly with the love of my lifetime.

"The real adventure of life is the relationship we have with other people, and it's easy to lose sight of the things we have and the people that are around us until they're gone." - Pete Docter

52 Years of Waiting

Growing up as a kid, I never really understood what being a Malaysian was all about. Simply because as a kid, I didn't see people as Malays, Indians, Punjabis or Chinese. They were either my friends or just people I didn't know. Life for me, as a kid was so much simpler and I grew up having Chinese, Indian, Malay and Punjabi friends.

*****

Today, as an adult, I am supposed to be wiser. Today, as a society, we are supposed to be more civilised. So, why are my friends of other races becoming lesser and lesser? We are supposed to be more understanding and 'tolerant' of each other but we seem not to be. Actually, I don't like to use this description of our society, 'to be tolerant of one another' or in our national language, 'mengamalkan sikap bertoleransi di antara satu sama lain' (not bad for someone who scored 'P8' for BM in SPM eh? LOL).

*****

When we tolerate others, it brings to mind a feeling of disgust and annoyance. It's like saying,

"Wah lau... I cannot tahan that stupid song but no choice lah. Have to tahan anyway, if not sure fight wan...".

It's actually a very negative way of looking at things and certainly a very negative way to live in a plural society like ours. That's one term I like - 'plural society'. It reminds me that there's more than one and we all belong to ONE society.

*****

Yes, the radio stations are blaring it, the TV stations are pasting it over the screen 24/7 - this 'Satu Malaysia' message which some might term as propaganda. Some may see it as the government's attempts to air-brush the mess that we are in right now (Yes, boys and girls, we ARE in a mess!) while the more optimistic will see this as a campaign to strenghten national unity. For our current and future generation, I hope the latter is indeed truer than the former.

*****

In previous years, I would most likely be out on the town on Merdeka Eve, with my beloved country's flag draped around me and I'd be running like a madman with my students at Sunway Pyramid screaming 'Merdeka! Merdeka!'. Somehow, this year, the enthusiasm has left me. Not that I don't love my country anymore but recent events have shattered my belief in what's left to hope for in this country. The names 'S. Kugan' and 'Teoh Beng Hock' remind us that we are still a long way from 'Merdeka'. Having independence means being free to live but instead, we live in fear of what's to transpire. Add to those two names, one particularly beautiful soul - the late Yasmin Ahmad, and the mood this year is indeed more sombre than triumphant.

*****

I love my country but there's not much love coming from the other side. Anyone who's experienced unrequited love will know how that feels. Sucks right? I always advice those blindly in love that 'love is not a one way street'. 'It takes two hands to clap' would be the completing phrase for that. I have loved my country for my entire life so far, when will she ever return my love? For those like me, it's been 52 years... and we are still waiting...

KAMI CINTA NEGARA KITA, KAMI ANAK MALAYSIA!

Selamat Menyambut Hari Merdeka kepada semua Anak Malaysia. Live long and prosper!

Disappear

We used to walk along the same path,
until our roads diverged,
which lead us down separate paths,
from where our lives once merged.

I have kept my end of the promise,
to always be there for you,
to let you know, how much of you I miss,
and how my life without you seems blue.

But where have you gone to?
where is the promise you made?
the words to me you said,
are not where they once laid.

Would you tell me,
how could this be?
Where is your heart and honesty,
for someone who once made you see?

I never asked for a promise,
it was you who gave it,
yet I do not see, hear or feel it,
the words to which you commit.

I am burned in an ocean of fire,
the waves crash onto my heart,
they break and they batter,
crushing me in every part.

I was once your teacher,
your guiding light,
but now i am non other,
than the darkest of night.

I am your friend and will always be,
but I cannot be the one,
to keep the candle burning strong and free,
if you end it before it has even begun.

Now I am neither your friend nor your teacher,
how I wish I was still the latter,
for we used to have so much fun together,
sharing thoughts and laughter.

I am prepared and willing to keep walking,
to keep the candle burning,
for our friendship is worth growing,
and our memories are worth remembering.

I hope things will get better,
I hope there won't be tears,
for I do not want to persevere,
only to see it disappear.

All The World's A Stage

... and all the men and women merely players. So goes the famous quote from Shakespeare's 'As You Like It'. Shakespeare may have been brilliant to see that life is played out almost like a stage performance but I bet he had no idea that a stage could rock!

Saturday, August 15, 2009 - what a blast it was at MTV World Stage in Sunway Lagoon! I was lucky enough to win 4 passes from VJ Utt at Zouk's Pre-Party the week before and I put them to good use, bringing my cousin and 2 crazy rock fans along. And boy, did we party!

We got there an hour early and were greeted by a slight drizzle which was threatening to turn into a thunderstorm. Luckily for us, the rain faded away soon after. It would've been funny if it poured 'cause Sunway Lagoon specifically drained the entire surf pool just for this event. Imagine having the pool fill up with water during the concert. Haha! That would've been totally insane!

We wanted to sneak in our cameras but were told by the organisers that cameras were not allowed. If only I'd known they hardly enforced the rule. When we got into the concert venue, we saw tons of people camwhoring away. That totally sucked. It was a good thing my student ran into her friend, who was one of those who smuggled in their cameras. So that meant we could camwhore too! Yay!

Local band Estranged were already playing by the time we got there but not many were interested. Estranged actually plays some good music but unfortunately, being a local band, not many people bother. So much for 'Malaysia Boleh'. Hah!

Then, VJs Utt and Tanya appeared on stage to throw some t-shirts and other prizes at the audience before announcing the next act. This was the first of 3 acts many of us had been waiting for and it was definitely a good one to begin with. Boys Like Girls roared off with their infectious new single ,'Love Drunk' which had the crowd jumping and screaming, including yours truly. That was the first official moment of me being 18 again on the night. After a fun-filled set, they capped their performance with 'The Great Escape' - awesome!

Raygun came up next and predictably, a majority of the crowd were like... 'okay...' Not the most enthusiastic, I can tell you!

After Raygun ended their set, the crowd (mostly the guys) started screaming again when the adorable yet foxy Pixie Lott heated up the stage with her presence. My... my... my... what a voice. I can't believe she's only 18. Man... she's HOT! Love the accent!

After a long wait, the 2nd of the 3 anticipated acts came on stage to loud cheers of 'Hoobastank! Hoobastank! Hoobastank!'. Doug Robb, the lead singer mentioned, "Wow, I've never seen so many people in a pool!" I also managed to spot a cheeky poster from one of the female fans which read, 'Can I buy you another drink, Dan?', referring to lead guitarist, Dan Estrin. They rocked the crowd and had us eating out of their hands when they finally performed their biggest hit, 'The Reason'. Man, we were singing like a choir out there!



If that performance was crazy, then the next act totally set the stage on fire! All American Rejects kicked off their set with 'Dirty Little Secret' and they really worked up the crowd throughout their entire performance. It was one hit after another and I just couldn't stop jumping and screaming like an 18-year-old. No, I'm not ashamed to admit I'm in the 'uncle' age group but at the same time, I'm not ashamed to behave like a 'kid' either. Haha!

Their performance was the best of the night and this is where I thought the organisers made a big mistake. A huge percent of the crowd started leaving after AAR ended their energy-sapping performance. I mean, who could blame them? How many of us have even heard of Kasabian? I only know one song - L.S.F., and that's from playing FIFA 2004. True to expectations, the remaining crowd were largely quiet and unmoved throughout the performance. When the band finally played L.S.F., there was suddenly a lot of jumping and singing. Now we know how many people actually play FIFA 2004. Haha!

It was a shame the concert ended in such anti-climactic fashion but I had my fun anyway. Rocking with all the young people out there was such a high. Now, I'll have to get back to being 26 :p

*Photos courtesy of mtv.asia.com and Kin Hoe.

Two Weeks In A Row? Impossible.

That thought entered my mind as we sat there in a group, laughing 'till our jaws and stomachs hurt.

Last week, I just had a great session with this bunch and today, here we were again, laughing our heads off. I mentioned in the previous post that this class has that rare quality called 'chemistry'. Today, they've proved me right again.

It's not easy to work up a good hearty laugh when we're doing something as tedious, mind-numbing and boring as exams. But it's something we need to do, no matter how boring it is. I feel for my students. Many of them are going through tough times facing exams, strained family ties, problems in friendship and that touchy issue of 'love'. And some are even falling sick. But how do I balance the need for preparing them for SPM and having fun in learning?

Teaching is not as easy as some would think, simply because studying is boring stuff. And making studying fun is a real challenge in itself. I guess I owe it to my upbringing that I had the opportunity to be creative from a young age. My parents had a personal tutor at home, teaching me nursery rhymes when I was merely 3. I believe this was what sparked my interest and love for English, and with it, the passion for languages. And with this passion ingrained in my heart, I started writing poetry, which is an excellent way of expressing creativity. As I grew with an inquisitive mind, my creativity over-flowed into other areas of my life - art, music and drama.

I did not envision to be a teacher at a young age. Those who know me well, know of how I became a teacher. Life is strange in how it leads you to a destination you never expected, where everything falls into place. The skills I had gained since young are now applied shamelessly on a weekly basis. Just ask my students and they'll tell you that these 3 elements are ever-present in my classes. I draw, I sing, I dance, I act, I tell jokes - in many ways, I'm a one-man mobile entertainment machine! Haha!

All this is in good fun but it serves one purpose - my students. I try to make learning fun not for me but for my students. I understand the pressure they have to go through as a young teenager. All that stress just isn't good for young healthy minds. So, I try to inject some fun into their lives, hoping that it will relieve them of their stress. There's fun even when we're doing the boring stuff like discussing exam papers, essay-writing and of course, grammar (I swear I can hear groans from every corner. Haha!).


Not many people realise that I have to seriously crack my head for new ideas all the time. A good example are my group projects and last week's literature exercise, which I designed. Some exercises, like today's group-writing, were ideas I borrowed from the internet but which I modified to suit my classes. And then, there are some which I have to pull out of the hat when Plan A AND Plan B fail. Thank goodness I have quite a bit of creativity in my brains or else I'll be dead. Well, actually, I won't suffer that much but my students will really suffer having to go through a boring lesson if my main plan and back-up plan fail.

In the end, my students are what matters to me the most. A lot of people don't get me when I say this - I was happy to get my pay today but I was happier to hear the laughter and see the smiles on my students' faces. If I were to measure it in terms of money, then I guess this would sum it up:

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Stationery = $ 2.50
Writing paper = $ 11.90
Tables and chairs = $ 800
Laughing our heads off = PRICELESS

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard. =)