Every year, I dread the month of November. No, it has nothing to do with the rainy weather. I like rainy days... except when I need to go out cause I hate getting wet when I'm out. I guess everybody feels that way too. However, I doubt if everybody feels the way I do each November. I doubt if everybody feels the way I have felt for the past seven years during the cold November rain.
Last night, I said my first 'Goodbye' to my graduating class at Sri Wawasan. It was difficult, as it always is. Perhaps the first one is a little more difficult than the rest as I have to make sure all the preparations are ready and organized well. Practice does make perfect but each year's graduation is slightly different so there's always some adjustments to be made.
There are so many things to consider as every class is different. The number of students are different, the classrooms are different in size and shape and the facilities available to each class are also different. So, activities need to be adjusted accordingly to fit in with the schedule.
Complicating things is the chemistry between students. Some classes have a great 'family' rapport while some are not that close. Then, there's also the chemistry between my students and myself which varies greatly from class to class. Factoring all these intangible details into the planning process definitely kills a few brain cells but it certainly gives birth to many unforgettable moments... moments which my students and I will remember forever.
And so I thought, that after last night's difficult 'Goodbye' to my first class, I would have had gotten used to it. But I was gravely wrong. How could I get used to saying 'Goodbye'? How could I get used to seeing them leave one by one, knowing they'll never return as a class? How could I not shed tears when I know things will never be the same again?
Tonight, the feeling was no different. Preparing to say 'Goodbye' to my first graduating class at Mega Yakin, I tried to put on a brave face, just as I had the night before. I held back the tears though inside, I was breaking into pieces. I had to remain positive. I had to embrace this moment and enjoy it... this moment - our last together as a class. And so we laughed and had a great time. Yet, it was a laughter that was punctuated with an air of sadness. Deep down, behind the smiling faces and the twinkling eyes, the cold rain of November was pouring in our hearts.
Then, comes the 'Goodbyes'. I hate it when we have to rush things through. No matter how well I plan it, we never seem to have enough time. I hate having to rush because I can't calm myself down to say what I want to say. However, I know it's the same with every class. We never seem to finish all our activities on time because deep down, we all don't want to leave. We don't want to say 'Goodbye' and as always, that 'Goodbye' comes sooner than expected... it comes sooner than we would want it to and once it comes, all that's left is an empty class decorated with empty tables and chairs. I can only stand there, staring into the empty space before me. The ones I love have left and I already begin to miss their faces, their smiles, their laughter... and even the sound of their breath and I'm helpless to do anything but stand there.
I have another four more classes graduating under me in the next four days... I don't know how I'm going to face this. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know how I'm going to come out of it alive. Of all the creepy and horrifying sounds I fear, the one I fear the most, is the sound of silence. It's deafening.
