Sigh... so much has happened since that wonderful day of January 1st. I met someone whom I thought could be more than just a friend. She was someone whom I really liked and someone whom I was willing to give my all for. In three weeks, it grew into a whirlwind romance and ended with a huge hole in my heart, before the cracks started to appear before nearly every part was shattered into pieces... pieces which I've painstakingly tried to recover and mend back into a whole again.
Within those three weeks, I had to get over the loss of my dear grandma - my last surviving loved one from the first generation of my family. And in the midst of tears, there was joy too as the celebration of my birthday arrived only a week after - a birthday that I could finally celebrate with someone special; something I haven't been able to do for four years.
But people change, and some faster and stranger than others. On my supposedly happiest day, she broke my heart with three simple words. No 'I love you', that feeling was certainly missing. Not even 'I like you' as I could vaguely guess by then. But these three - 'Let's be friends.' Words which would cut so deep into my heart because I had thought otherwise with hopes placed so high.
It didn't help much that my ex-students gathered in one huge group to surprise me that night - a surprise which I'd figured out earlier. On other days, I would be so happy but on this one day, my lips tried in vain to stretch a smile. Even if I did, it was laced with irony and pain. And so my birthday came and went...
Chinese New Year soon arrived and I had hoped it would add some much needed fun and colour into my life. At least perhaps, just to paper over the recent cracks of my life. But then comes the fun killer - traditional Chinese superstitious beliefs which forbid me from visiting friend's houses due to my grandma's recent passing. I was deemed to be a bringer of bad luck. Being a Christian, I do not hold to any sort of superstition or 'pantang', as it is called among our community but respect their beliefs, I had to. What other choice did I have? And so, there went any potential saving grace to my recent heartbreak. I was cut off from having any sort of fun I would have had from visiting my friends and being with my ex-students, who I missed so dearly.
If that wasn't bad enough, my mother's side was also forbidden to give 'ang pao's this year. What I received from my father's side amounted to no more than RM 50. Would you believe that? While most people my age would dare not complain, well, I figure, if people are so steadfast about certain Chinese traditions, then according to Chinese tradition, I'm still considered a kid since I'm not married and so I deserve my 'ang pao'. What's there to be ashamed of? Sure, on the surface I say stuff like, 'It's okay...' or 'There's no need to...' or 'Oh come on, I'm already thirty so and so...' but deep down, I'm all for receiving 'ang pao's during Chinese New Year. Who would say no to that, huh?
And so, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. The plans I had, the gifts I bought... now all thrown into the thrash. For there will be no special someone to celebrate with me this year, as it has been for the past four years. So, why don't I just go to a corner and cry?
Nah! It's much more fun celebrating the fact that I'm still single, that I've got no beer belly, that I'm still fit as a twenty-something and that I still look and live like a twenty-something. Getting over is hard to do but baby, is it time to partay!
