Morning Markets Make My Day

I had the simple yet priceless pleasure of visiting my favourite morning market today. Ironically, it's located right in front of my English learning center in Eng Ann. So, I'm actually there nearly every day, just that by the time I start work, it's the late afternoon and morning markets are exactly that - markets in the morning. So, I never really get to enjoy my early morning ritual that I used to have more regularly when I was younger.

Well, first off, most of you may not know that I'm never a morning person. The fact is, I'm very nocturnal and come alive at the strangest hours. For example, I used to have a weekly game of futsal with my high school mates that would start at 11pm and end slightly after midnight. We did that for five years. Unfortunately, old age and family commitments have ended our late night kick-about. I would still however be up for a game of futsal any night of the week; more so than any morning of the week where I'd be like a zombie.

Ever since my teenage days, I've had the habit of staying up late and waking up late. By sleeping late I mean 4am to 6am. By waking up late, I mean 12pm to 2pm. No joke. I used to piss some of my friends in the corporate world who would call me at lunch break only to discover I'd just got up. Yeah, I'm a lucky boy, I know. So, never being the morning person, it's no wonder I've not had the luxury of visiting my favourite morning market in Eng Ann. So, when I had the opportunity today, having found myself up abnormally earlier than usual, I took my mum along to visit our old hang out.

You see, it's much rarer for us to be in Eng Ann now since we live on the other side of Klang. However, having lived on that side of Klang (Eng Ann) for more than 20 years, it's hard not to miss that place. I still think the best food stalls are over there and complain forever about the lack of good food on our side (Bukit Tinggi). So, what joy it was to finally taste my favourite nasi lemak sotong from the old makcik's stall, those wonderfully large prawn and meat dumplings from the wantan noodle stall and those thick pieces of classic Chinese peanut pancake. The only thing missing was my favourite 'bei huey ji', which wasn't open today. Not sure what to call 'bei huey ji' in English but if you guys know what 'yu tiao' or 'yao char kuai' (fried dough fritters) are, then you might recognise a version which is in the shape of an 'L'. It's sweet with sesame seeds on the inner sides. 'bei huey ji' means 'horse legs' or something to that effect since they look like horse legs that are drawn up as they gallop. Nevermind, I'll just snap a photo and show you guys next time.

However, not having my favourite 'bei huey ji' didn't matter that much when I heard someone shouting my name from across the street. It was my recently graduated ex-student and four others at the Hakka Restaurant. We waved to each other excitedly. Then, barely moments later, as I walked on, a van passed by and another ex-student waved to me from the passenger side. What a wonderful coincidence! And to think - this was my first visit to the morning market after a year. Maybe I'll get luckier next year.

Left In The Shadows

Who sees you when you are crawling alone in the dark, seeking refuge in the arms of none?
Who provides comfort when all the comfort you can find is in a pillow and a blanket?
Who hears your hushed tears trapped between the moon and the sun?
Who listens to your silent tears in the dark, deep inside the residues of your broken heart?

Only I can see myself alone in the dark...
Only I can hug myself to sleep in an ocean of bitter tears...
Only I can hear the smile depart...
Only I can listen to my own private fears...

I am surrounded by own weakness, drowning in my own sorrow, waiting for someone to rescue me, for someone to save me but why can't I rescue me? Why can't I save myself? As hard as I try, as strong as I try to be, weakness finds me at my weakest hour and my loneliest hour is one of loneliness. Loneliness seems to be my only ever faithful friend.

I have to be strong, I have to move on, life is a dance, a song and a tear. Whether you dance together with someone or you dance alone, the music keeps on playing and the rhythm never stops. So too the heart must keep on beating. It must lift its broken wings and lift whatever is left off the ground, into the air and beyond the clouds.

In the end, all I can do is look back and think of the moments we shared, smile at the good times we had while it lasted. All I can do is thank you for the sweet memories, no matter how short and cruelly ended. Thank you for the chance for letting me love you... it was short but it was sweet... and it was...

The End Is A New Beginning

Failure is viewed by many as the end of the road. It is the disappointing end to a process. Some processes involve a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Some processes don't cost much. You might wonder, which is worse? To have failed after trying so hard or to have failed for not trying. I'd say it is worse to fail for not trying simply because the eternal question will keep eating you even after death. The question of, 'what if?' and that's the very question that's eating me now.

It's been a very long time since I last studied and even longer since I last sat for an exam. Today, I had the privilege of doing both. Yup, even the teacher suffers from the bad habits of a regular student. All right, I'll hold my hands up. I was busy with work. I was spending most of my time and energy helping my students. I was busy with the fight for a free and fair nation. I was busy researching and discussing the effects of the fight for a free and fair nation. I was tired. I wasn't in the mood. I was lazy. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Well, they're all true (especially the last one).

So I finally prove that I'm human after all. Even this old man who can still squeeze in gym sessions between classes four times a week, swim, practise martial arts and party, has his limits. I'm no superhero. I'm just a man. I can fail. I just did.

I know it's ironic that a teacher who advises his students not to study at the last minute should do exactly that himself. I'm such a hypocrite. I only wonder if continually facing the fight to stress the importance of English to students and parents alike has worn me down. I wonder if losing more than half my students to a variety of reasons has made me give up the fight. I wonder if having a tuition center closed down and losing two classes in the process has made me frustrated. I wonder if having to sacrifice the time, energy and money to save one class from closing down has weakened my resolve. I wonder if all these are excuses for failing in my own learning process. Can they be? Should they be?

You won't hear me say it but my heart has screamed it louder than thunder - "I feel like giving up!" There... I've said it. So, what's next for me? Well, there's only one thing I can do. If I want to pass this exam, if I really, really want it that badly, then I'll have to work for it. It's the old-fashioned way but hey, it works. Besides, I kind of like old-fashioned. One of my students wrote on her facebook wall, "You don't get what you wish for, you get what you work for."

Failure... it's not the end of the road. It's not the end of a process. It's the end that leads to a new beginning.