Failure is viewed by many as the end of the road. It is the disappointing end to a process. Some processes involve a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Some processes don't cost much. You might wonder, which is worse? To have failed after trying so hard or to have failed for not trying. I'd say it is worse to fail for not trying simply because the eternal question will keep eating you even after death. The question of, 'what if?' and that's the very question that's eating me now.
It's been a very long time since I last studied and even longer since I last sat for an exam. Today, I had the privilege of doing both. Yup, even the teacher suffers from the bad habits of a regular student. All right, I'll hold my hands up. I was busy with work. I was spending most of my time and energy helping my students. I was busy with the fight for a free and fair nation. I was busy researching and discussing the effects of the fight for a free and fair nation. I was tired. I wasn't in the mood. I was lazy. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Well, they're all true (especially the last one).
So I finally prove that I'm human after all. Even this old man who can still squeeze in gym sessions between classes four times a week, swim, practise martial arts and party, has his limits. I'm no superhero. I'm just a man. I can fail. I just did.
I know it's ironic that a teacher who advises his students not to study at the last minute should do exactly that himself. I'm such a hypocrite. I only wonder if continually facing the fight to stress the importance of English to students and parents alike has worn me down. I wonder if losing more than half my students to a variety of reasons has made me give up the fight. I wonder if having a tuition center closed down and losing two classes in the process has made me frustrated. I wonder if having to sacrifice the time, energy and money to save one class from closing down has weakened my resolve. I wonder if all these are excuses for failing in my own learning process. Can they be? Should they be?
You won't hear me say it but my heart has screamed it louder than thunder - "I feel like giving up!" There... I've said it. So, what's next for me? Well, there's only one thing I can do. If I want to pass this exam, if I really, really want it that badly, then I'll have to work for it. It's the old-fashioned way but hey, it works. Besides, I kind of like old-fashioned. One of my students wrote on her facebook wall, "You don't get what you wish for, you get what you work for."
Failure... it's not the end of the road. It's not the end of a process. It's the end that leads to a new beginning.
