Sorry, I Can't Join You For Dinner

For the millionth time, I find myself sitting in a crowded restaurant that's buzzing with laughter... and like a sore thumb, I stick out among all the merriment. I choose to sit by a quiet corner, as if it would make it less obvious that I'm having dinner alone. "Xi guan jiu hao"(As long as you get used to it, then it's fine) , so I tell my students whenever they heave a collective sigh when they hear that I'm having dinner alone, yet again. Well, is it really possible to get used to being alone so often, for so long? I find myself challenging the notion of being alone all the time... with each passing stare as I boldly defy all odds by being the only person to consistently have dinner all by myself. "Xi guan jiu hao" - I shudder.

I sit there alone as I wait for my drink to come. My table is empty except for the plates and cutlery laid out neatly for a table of four. The waitress raises her index finger, asking me if I'm eating alone. She had already asked me that when I entered the restaurant a few moments ago. I guess she's just making sure before she removes the remaining plates and cutlery, leaving just one in front of me. Again, the passing stares surround me. I sink into my chair and sigh. It's becoming a habit lately.

As I'm left to my own devices, I turn my head to scan the entire room to see if there's anything interesting. Usually, when there's something interesting in the room, she's often accompanied by a guy or worse; a group of guys. So, I turn my attention to the television - 'Ah great! Sports news on mute. Time to test my lip-reading skills.' It doesn't take long before I realise I fail horribly at lip-reading. Let's browse my text messages then. Oh, I remember this one from my ex-student - it's the one I read earlier but didn't have the time to delete. I decide to erase it later. I'd better try my luck staring at the table then. My food seems to take forever to arrive when the last I checked, it's only been 10 minutes since I smiled at the waitress. Sigh...

Finally, my 'usual' arrives according to my specifications - no Parmesan cheese. It smells mouth-watering and being on a strict non-carb diet, this is a weekly treat for me. I dive in without hesitation despite the hot wafts of aromatic steam permeating the air. I'm tired and I'm hungry and I just want to enjoy my meal and get it over with. Apparently, I'm quite a fast eater as I'm done within 10 minutes. I wash it all down with a cold glass of lemon-tinged iced water and promptly call for the bill. I feel rather satisfied with my tummy feeling all warm and fuzzy having not eaten properly for the entire day. Then, in a succession of visits, the waitress and I exchange ringgit notes, trading a blue one for a few red ones and I'm off.

The short drive home seems to last the whole night as I sing along to one of Lee-Hom's heart-wrenching love songs of unrequited love. The song seems to last the entire journey home when in reality, I press the 'rewind' button on the stereo at the end of the same song. Somehow, it feels like that every night... every night that silently passes me by as I listen to the sound of my own breath pausing in-between each line of the song.

As I drive my car into the porch, I pick up my phone once again and erase the last message I received tonight. It's the one from my ex-student - the one that says, "Sorry, I can't join you for dinner tonight."

If 'Goodbye' Was 'Hello'

Last week, I said 'goodbye' to another group of Form 3 students as we enjoyed our last class together. Of course, there's always a chance of seeing them return for Form 4 next year but I've been in this business long enough to know that nothing lasts forever. I know that not everyone will return to my classes, whether it's because of a clash of schedules, transportation problems, financial problems or just being plain tired from taking too many tuition classes.

So, as I do every year, I try my best to make our last class a little extra special - something to remember from the times we've spent learning and laughing together. This year, we had a good laugh at our creative group writing project and as usual, there'll be a few naughty ones who write about 'ahem ahem'. Well, teens being teens, I allow that bit of freedom to express themselves, as long as they know to keep it under control. On one hand, I want to encourage their creative expression and on the other hand, I want to suppress their 'naughty' side when they express themselves in a not so polite manner. It's a tough balancing act but I guess I've done all right so far. Still, I can always improve and I know I need to cut down on joining in with their jokes though it's hard to resist a good laugh at something 'naughty'. Haha!

Well, before the sun sets on every class, I know that my students can learn to differentiate between being funny in a 'naughty' way and being serious when they need to. Even if they don't, I believe as adults, we need to guide them and give them some space to be independent. They've got to learn to grow up sooner or later. If we keep controlling every aspect of their learning life, how will they have the chance to prove us wrong? That's the challenge I lay down for all my students - that they prove to me they can be mature when they need to. Well, let's hope they prove me wrong and do their best in this year's PMR!

Fight the good fight, my dear friends. This is it - The fight of our lives! Gambateh!