It's one of those weeks again... where everything seems to be going wrong. It also happens to be the week I say my 'goodbyes' to my Form 3 students who will be facing their PMR next week. These 'goodbyes' are easier to handle since most of them will return next year (well, at least I can only hope). Some have already told me they won't be coming back to my class next year, although they never really tell me why. It leaves me with a saddened heart... it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough.
You'd think I'd be used to facing these short-term goodbyes by now but I don't think I can ever get used to it. I will really be facing an uphill battle in November when my Form 5 classes graduate 'cause then it's 'goodbye' forever. Yeah, some will say they will come visit from time to time. Some will say they will ask me out for dinner when they're free. Well, for the past 8 years, experience has told me that 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words.' Of the many who have proudly boasted they will be my good friends, well, less than 10 percent actually do what they promise. I would rather they not promise me anything.
And so my week started as such. A simple promise from one of my ex-students whom I count as a true friend, was broken even before I had a chance to respond. We were supposed to watch a movie together. Nowadays, it's hard for me to find the time or the friends to watch a movie with. So, I value these moments very much. Perhaps she didn't know that I had rejected other people's invitations to watch that movie since I had promised her. Perhaps watching a movie isn't such a big deal to her, as it is to me. On the day I so badly needed to be with a good friend, to watch a movie that would make me laugh despite my tears inside, I found myself abandoned, alone and awake.
Then comes one of my favorite classes of the week and a familiar face is missing again. This is someone I call my 'sister'. Someone I care a lot about but I guess my class is not worth coming to if there's shopping fun to be had. I really can't understand how teenagers think these days. I remember how I would hate missing my English teacher's class every Thursday night. Mr Gerald is one of the greatest lights in my life and my inspiration to be the best teacher I can be. I would try my best to attend his classes simply because he was such a dedicated teacher who communicated so well with his students. He was more than a teacher. He was a friend. And that's what I've been trying to be for the past 8 years of my teaching life. Yet, I have students who can't seem to grasp that. Am I pissed? No. I'm brokenhearted.
Already, my entire week is filled with that tinge of temporal sadness of not seeing my Form 3 students. I really could have done without any more sadness nor disappointments and yet it happens. Seriously! I feel like breaking something and screaming!
After all the 'goodbyes' have been said and the guitar laid to rest, I just wanted to make myself happy. For a single guy of my age, there's really not much I can do to make myself happy when I'm alone other than pampering myself with an expensive and delicious meal. So, I head over to a fancy restaurant nearby for some wonderful western steak. Well, what a nightmare meal it turned out to be. The waitress got my order wrong one after another. The corn came despite me requesting it to be substituted with vegetables, two sets of steak came when I only ordered one, my butter was taken away when only half-finished and I had to request for another one (I hate wasting food), my steak was more like medium rare when I wanted it to be medium well, some parts of the steak were inedible as it was so hard, my coffee came without any sugar and I had to go to the counter myself to get it. In the end, even my favorite dessert - chocolate ice-cream wasn't the least bit satisfying. Despite my complaints to the supervisor on duty, I had to pay the full price of 81 ringgit (service tax included). That's when I swore I would never go there to dine again.
And so it was... driving back home after a long day, tired... my tummy filled yet unsatisfied, my heart all but an empty shell... and tears of loneliness streaking down my veins... I am left here alone... abandoned... with only my shadow as my only friend... and even that, will soon leave me as I put myself to bed... with silent tears heavier than the rain...
4 comments:
Aw man, do I know how that feels (Or DO I? I'm sorry! I know its really presumptuous of me to say that. You know what, I'll take it back. There. Never said a word. What word?? Haha, just trying to make you smile. It's not working? DAMMIT. Ah screw this, I'm out of here. No wait, I'm back. So you were saying?)And I've been there before. Just know that no matter what, you're never alone. Just lonely, and you're the only person who can change that.
It'll get better (I know that sounds really superficial but its the best I can come up with) Trust me, it will. And when it does, tell me so I can be there to say HAH I TOLD YOU SO!
But in the meanwhile, I've realized that getting yourself busy is the best way to beat the blues. Maybe after SPM we can hang out some time (darn it, if only I didn't live so far away)
But till then, keep yer head up.
Ciao!
Punky, no, you are absolutely right to say whatever you want, especially if you know how it feels.
I appreciate your thoughts and words of encouragement. It's really nice to know that someone I haven't even met in person can say these things to me. Really, I'm touched. So, thank you.
I'm slowly trying to get the disappointment out of my system and good thing that I'll be busy these coming weeks. Am giving extra lessons to my tuition center students as SPM is right round the corner.
Well, good luck in your preparation for it. I'm sure you'll try your best. As for living so far away, if I can travel 5 hours down to Singapore on a regular basis, what's going up north in Malaysia? We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, study smart! ;)
I kinda agree with Clarissa (that's Ms Punk, in case you didn't know :)). Not wholly, but partially. I do think that loneliness is mainly a state of mind. For Clarissa it's getting busy which works, but for me it's rediscovering my hobbies, and in a way, I guess, keeping myself busy with them.
Besides that, don't you have any other friends who are more available to hang out with you? Like, someone who isn't a student or ex-student? I mean it IS really nice that you care so much about your students, but... it does seem that that's just about all you talk (...and maybe think? =x) about. And hey! If you two meet up after SPM, mind if I tag along? :D ...Oh wait, I'd have to know what the exact date is first, as I have my own exams. x3
Anyway Caleb, chin up. Don't let yourself stay down in the dumps. You get to decide how you feel, for the most part. Don't dwell on the past nor the future (unless it's something to be happy about :D), but just live the present. We (myself and others who care about you :]) worry about you, y'hear? Take good care of yourself :)
Dear Resha,
Thanks for dropping your thoughtful note. I can't help it if I think or talk about my students all the time since my work is all about them. And since I love my work, so, naturally, I would think or talk about them.
Even if I didn't want to think about them, do you know how hard it is for me not to? What with numerous students and ex-students looking for me to help with their essays, assignments, projects, presentations, scholarships, etc. it's kinda hard not to think about them.
I do have my good buddies from high school and we are close but everyone's everywhere - Penang, Singapore, Hong Kong, Australia... and those who are here are slowly getting sucked into their careers or girlfriends, wives and children. There aren't that many single working adults who are willing to eat dinner at 10:30pm with you when they have to join the rat race early next morning.
Even when we do hang-out, it's football and the occasional dinners but mostly it's drinking, which I don't do. So, there's not much to go around in terms of friends I can sit down and hang out with on a regular basis... at least not in the capacity that I want to. And no 'uncle' friend of mine is going to go clubbing with me at teenage haunts, that's for sure!
So, yeah... maybe you have a better idea of how tough it's been for me these past few years of loneliness... and it's creeping in all the time while I try my best to keep it at bay, whilst focusing on so many other things in my life.
I just wish... I could have someone to hold and call my own... right now... right this instant... cause the loneliness is eating me inside.
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